I do not know if any of these things I write will ever be read but in case this does actually get read I want whomever reads it to know that I wrote this originally in January of 2014 & posted it to my Facebook.
My mind has been twisted. Thoughts swirling and swerving. Everything colliding. I don't know what to say or do. I don't even know how to feel. I feel loneliness, pain, heartache, unbridled joy, love, peace, restlessness, utter despair, happiness, longing, forgiveness, hate, dread, anger, resentment, confusion, doubt, and fear all at once. Thoughts and feelings moving within me like swirls and eddies in a pool of water. I see them in my minds eye as a chaotic swirling mass of colors. Which one will reach out to me next and take hold of my heart? I put out the best parts of me and am confused by what I receive in return. I hear the words but do not speak the language. A part of me is growing cold. Unable to decipher the meaning behind the words and actions of everyone. I feel I am lost and alone in a sea of caring people but at the same time I know I am not alone. I can hear them and feel them around me. It is as if their words cannot penetrate the chaos but yet some words make it through and cut deep and true straight to my heart like a surgeon's scalpel. I try to maintain my distance. Not drawing anyone else closer. Trying to keep the feelings at bay. Confused when what seems like the right words and actions turn out to be the wrong ones. Trying not to fall for yet another person's attempt to deceive me. Not knowing who can be trusted with a piece of me. Who is taking advantage and who truly cares? Who only wants me around when it is convenient for them and who wants to spend time getting to know me and hanging out? Who is there for friendship or for a source of gossip? Do I have to be the one to make all the effort or do new friendships form on their own? How do I maintain current friendships when I don't even feel like socializing? Why do I prefer to be alone when I hate being alone? Why do I push people away when they are getting too close? How do I stop this self defeating and self destructive behavior? Why do I panic and say whatever it is I know will make them leave? I know I am strong and capable of almost anything. I know I should stop over thinking and over analyzing but if I don't stop and think things through then how will I know which action to take? How will I know how to react? How can I plan for a probable outcome to a situation?
