HeedlessBitch's blog: "Temptation, frustration."

Being Gay is a crime against God?
Well here's a few of his rules I find slightly odd..
Accusation, arrogance,
judging, meddling, eating shrimp?
Being baptized as a baby,
seeing a woman with lustful cravings,
wearing a shirt made of two kinds of fabrics,
and waiting till Sunday to gather sticks..
Menstruation, being raped,
anxiety and having rage.
Read the book you preach about,
you'll understand why it fills me with doubt.
You're a bigot, don't deny it.
Stop using this book to justify it.

I roam the streets, night by night. Eagerly waiting with fearfilled eyes. The way you hurt me is a sinful delite, the torture I crave when you're away. When you don't want me I'm so ashamed. I'm back to my safe place, way out of sight. Deep in the graveyard and out of the light. Now I'll sway in the wind with my eyes closed tight, and patiently wait for my master tonight. Headlights? I hide behind a headstone. Then he steps out and my blood runs cold. He staggers twards me and I bow my head, I smile and cry with hopeful dread. What will he do with his blade this time? How many times will I cream on his knife? His hand on my chin I raise to my feet, his lips against mine and my body goes weak, he catches me. A stinging pain in my neck again, I moaned and tiredly grabbed his hand. I opened my eyes to a fires crackle, cuffed to the truck while my feet are shackled. whisky and cigarettes overwhelm the fires scent, shirtless and drunk, he walks out of the tent. Six foot something, with the broadness to match. Something's wrong with my master, he seems so detached. My voice is shaking, my body's aching, I have to ask him before I'm gone.. I can feel myself slipping, so I ask him "what's wrong?" Pure confusion when I express my concern, the smile he hid was worth all the burns.. I know it's my fault, I spoke out of turn.. Then blackness.

When I wake up, I'm bloody and bruised. Warm and cozy in a dim-lit room. My hands uncuffed, Am I in my bed? No, the sheets aren't as rough.. The rooms not as bad.. I feel the movement before I see him, I turn and look and it's master's bed. Sleeping like the sweetest demon I'd evet met.. I run my fingers through his hair, kiss his lips, it's only fair. I can feel him wake. Scared and happy, I know I can take it. Wherever he hits me, however it feels. However much of my sex he steals. He put his hand to my face, I flinched and spasmed, He's kissing me back and it's too much to fathom. I hadn't noticed the wounds on my shoulders, bite marks and cuts, till he pulls me in closer. My body stings again, my clothes are beautifully painted red.. A different scent on the breathe of my devil, He seems to be on a whole new level. Not whiskey, no smoke, I try to find his Jack&Coke. I ask if he's sober, not a word, nor a sigh, just one hand runs up my thigh. The other entangled in my bedhead hair, My body's covered with the bleakest air. Still hot, not warm.. He takes a shot and I squirm. Fearful to ask why he needs to be drunk, I look in his eyes and he gives me a shrug.. Now that he's sober I ask him his name, slamming his drink, "You have to be tamed" ..

Well, as some may know, For the past six months or so I'd been having a fling with my best friend Pete. Even though I knew it was just fun, or supposed to be, I couldn't help myself. I was twisted in his words and movements.. His hands and lips like magic, sigh.. He eventually told me he was thinking about dating me, ecstatic as I was we layed all night together watching movies.. Well I come to find out he was just as confused as I was. Right now he wants to have someone there for him while he can run around with bar skanks, an open relationship, which I'm not down for. It's taken me two months or so to get going with my life, even when he left he made me stronger. Though I still wake up and wish I saw him there again, where he was everynight since I lived here, next to me with sometimes his hand in mine. So secretive, we couldn't tell anyone. Its was so exciting and I think that was our downfall..

Friends with benefits with my best friend was the best and worst idea I've ever had.

I woke up today in love again,
your way with words will be my end..
Forever trapped by your charm and your voice..
I'm here by love but not by choice.
I wish I could leave, I truely do,
I wish you could see in my point of veiw..
I wish you could feel the pain you cause.
I wish you'd help me through my withdrawls
Instead of feeding addictions almost too far to cure,
I wish you could hear the things I hear..
I wish you could here the cries you ignored,
I prayed you'd leave the lock off the door.
Sometimes I feel like you're in my mind,
you know what to say every damn time..
You'll hold me and tell me you're done forever,
Just a few more months and we'll leave together.
........
I woke up today in love again..
Today your abuse will be my end.

My phone starts beeping and I open the message.

"What're you doing?" Such a difficult question..

I'm sitting in the car cause I wanna be alone,

staring at the water run down the window,

listening to the rain splash against the ground,

and wondering if anyone wants me around.

Smoking my cancer and thinking of the past,

realizing my life's flying by too fast.

I'm hoping for a time I can smile all day

and dreaming of a night I can look back and say,

"I'm happy with my life, I can put the knife away. I'm proud of what I've done,

how far I've come, and who I am today. I smile cause I want to, cause it's real.

It's the only way to express how I feel."

When I can close my eyes and sleep through the night

and not have all this shit on my mind.

"Relaxing.. You?"

I wish I could understand this feeling. If only I knew how to cure it, obscure thoughts and promiscuous behavior can't work forever. Just sitting here thinking about that time in my life for some reason. I'm an hour late for work.. Fuck. I suuppose. 

Resting my head on the window pane,

watching those cars go by.

Often I wonder what it's like

to lay to rest and fly.

So often do I wonder how

it feels to be so free.

Yet often do I pray and hope

someday someone may see.

And often do I think about

the tme Ive spent on Earth.

But no one can feel how much I need them,

or hear how much I hurt.

..~~HelpMe~~..

Sometimes there's way to much to take, way to many fake people. Blank stares from strangers and friends, my future is my biggest dread.. Time flys by and scares me shitless, seems as though my fear is pitless.. Lapidary carving my life set in stone, my fear of forever feeling alone. Ill always have someine, I know that for sure, to sit by my side for all I incur.. But being alone and feeling alone are very different things, you can be alone and still feel loved, but the other one sure stings.. See, Im fluent in the language of love, "I love you too" means nothing but lustt..