Temptation, frustration.

continued, unfinished

2013-05-24T19:25:20-07:00

my heart beats faster and faster, though i cant tell if its from excitement or fear.. is there a difference? the step step skip i hear behind me is getting faster as my heart does so. he walks to its rythym, skips with its beat. i start to run, only to get out of site so he may show himself.. maybe he'll take it the wrong way, i stop to explain but something hits the back of my head. hard. i see a bright light and awake in the woods. his hands around me tight, im bleeding, from where? im aroused by the scent of his hair. �excited as i notice the shackles around my ankles. im focusing hard on my location, everythings dark. the moon and stars are covered by tall trees. i tried to squirm into a comfortable position but my sleeping demon grips tighter. so i shake him to awake with me.�

To be continued...

2013-05-13T15:57:48-07:00

Months and months have passed, I can't think straight.. I can't believe he doesn't want me. his lies of someday returning.. There's a man, he cares about me, but at the request of my Master I've avoided him.. If he's moved onto another slave I'm moving on to another Master. I pick up the phone, shaking while I dial the number given to me by Chase. He's handsome, drinks whiskey, smokes.. He smells like my Master. "Hello?" My stomach turns when I hear his voice.. I tell him who I am and he asks me for coffee at one. I agree to meet him at the shop on the corner at one-thirty. Considering it's already twelve I need some time to clean myself up.

After showering and dolling myself up I go to meet my new blonde master. It's ten blocks away so I decide to walk. I lock my house and walk down my steps quickly, I was so excited I almost missed the note taped to my mailbox. I read it on the way;

�

"I wouldn't suggest it. You won't ever find me in another soul. I love you like no one can, and I will keep you in my chains until you realize this."

�

My mind is twisted. I'm attempting to choose between a sweet new blonde and the man I've dedicated my life to for years. Well I go. Everything goes great, we talk, I wait on him. I feed him. Though is he uncomfortable with all I'm doing.. I can't help myself. We have so much fun he asks to walk to the park or get something to eat. Through the whole date I think of my Master.. I can barely recall our conversations and before I know it the sun is setting. He's walking away, so I walk home. The day is such a blur, I hear footsteps behind me as I move further away from civilization. and I know it's him..

eh

2012-12-24T16:27:16-08:00

So many pages never to be turned,
so many cries never to be heard.
so many times I should have never hurt.
So many depths of cuts and burns,
and it sucks being stuck at your will.
It hurt at first and hurts me still.
Please, just one less heart break to be had,
One less reason to be mad,
several days to not be sad..
But face the facts, I fucking can't..
I kiss your lips then vent and rant,
Over and over like a fucking chant.
I need to break free but I'm chained to your feet,
being drug behind the people you meet.
I'm broken and broken and broke again,
Don't have to love me but you could be my friend..

psalm 18:HELL

2012-11-22T08:07:45-08:00

Alone completely, and only fourteen.
Your fierce wrath has gone over me.
Afflicted, so ready to die from my youth,
and the worst part was knowing the truth.
All my loved ones you've cast away from me,
So my time with you was mistaken for glee.
I suffer from your terrors,
I'm punished for every error,
it engulfed me all together,
still dreading the snap of that hateful leather.
I'm in pain, I'm afraid, I'm ashamed.
You claimed, you named, you tamed me.
Your terrors have cut me off, I'm distraught.
You are a devil but you are my god.

Kesha - Tik Tok . My life.

2012-10-11T13:33:48-07:00

Wake every morning to a brand new day.
Got my smile, I'm out the door so get out of my way.
Before I leave, grab my ipod, find the perfect track.
Cause when I'm out, I start my day, I'm not comming backk.

So I find a football to throw, throw.
Won't let you mess with my flow, flow.
Tryin to get to me but don't, don't

[so Not worth it..]

I think most of you will agree
I wanna have fun so let me be.
Sorry to be rude but I'm a bit bussyyy..

Let's rock, Don't sulk,
Let's just turn the speakers up.
Tonight, it's my right
To have fun until the sunrise
Tick tock, on the clock,
but the party don't stop.
woahhh oh oh-ohhhh

Let's rock, Don't sulk,
Let's just turn the speakers up.
Tonight, it's my right
To have fun until the sunrise
Tick tock, on the clock,
but the party don't stop.
woahhh oh oh-ohhhh

Not a care in the world, and I'm being sincere
Cause for you to insult me, is making it clear.
You're unhappy or your heart wouldn't be full of anger
So sit with me and have a drink and don't be a hater..

We're smokin all the finest skunk, skunk,
So quit bein a little, punk, punk.
Don't get so wound up, up..

If you do we'll kick you out, out.
We don't have time to fuck around, 'round.
Take that shit to the pound, pound,
where the other dogs are...

Let's rock, Don't sulk,
Let's just turn the speakers up.
Tonight, it's my right
To have fun until the sunrise
Tick tock, on the clock,
but the party don't stop.
woahhh oh oh-ohhhh

Let's rock, Don't sulk,
Let's just turn the speakers up.
Tonight, it's my right
To have fun until the sunrise
Tick tock, on the clock,
but the party don't stop.
woahhh oh oh-ohhhh

I build you up,
you break me down,
My heart it pounds,
Now you lost mee.

With my hands up,
move to the sound,
I was lost, now I'm found,
yeah, you lost me.

I build you up,
you break me down,
My heart it pounds,
Now you lost mee.

With my hands up,
I'll rise above, I'll rise above

See you used to be great but you've really changed..

Let's rock, Don't sulk,
Let's just turn the speakers up.
Tonight, it's my right
To have fun until the sunrise
Tick tock, on the clock,
but the party don't stop.
woahhh oh oh-ohhhh

Let's rock, Don't sulk,
Let's just turn the speakers up.
Tonight, it's my right
To have fun until the sunrise
Tick tock, on the clock,
but the party don't stop.
woahhh oh oh-ohhhh

�

You know the song http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GQ3f9UfTcVQ

Spur of the moment writing.

2012-10-07T22:16:45-07:00

Tossing and turning to the beat of the clock.
Hours go by, why the fuck am I up?
With you on my mind, I deny that you're there.
My judgement impared by vulnerablity.
The stability I feel when I'm by your side is my drug.
So many songs that need to be sung,
so many words that need to be said.
Fuck it, you won't hear, you don't care.. I'm going to bed.

Souless

2012-10-05T13:02:48-07:00

My life is a walk in the rain.

That stinging pain covers my body.

ice cold shards of my broken heart

melt away and fall from the sky,

All for that demonic fucking guy.

The only one I've ever cared about

built me up just to tear me down.

The only one I've ever let in,

the secret that kept me alive..

Everything about him is my favorite sin.

Some say it was wrong,

I guess they were right.

Sit and think, listening to the whispers of the wind.

Souless house, brightened by moonlight.

He never wanted to know me,

asking for help but he'll never see

why I'm broken.

I'd do anything, goodbye.

2012-10-03T10:30:05-07:00

Somehow I find myself unable to hide my bliss.

For some reason I miss you when you're gone.

Sometimes while I sleep I'm still in your arms.

In it too deep, can't dig my way out..

I gave it my all but you filled me with doubt.

Something inside is starting to stir,

my feelings built up like a storm.

Ready to fall in tears from the sky.

All in all you're the one I need,

The one I'll never have,

The one who sees me as who I can be

but loves me as I am.

The one who stole my heart,

the one who tore it apart,

The start to a life of confusion,

you in my life was the greatest intrusion,

Nothing in the eyes of others,

but everything to me.

I'd do anything to help you smile,

so I guess I'll let you be.

Being gay, against God's wishes..

2012-09-29T21:40:35-07:00

Being Gay is a crime against God?
Well here's a few of his rules I find slightly odd..
Accusation, arrogance,
judging, meddling, eating shrimp?
Being baptized as a baby,
seeing a woman with lustful cravings,
wearing a shirt made of two kinds of fabrics,
and waiting till Sunday to gather sticks..
Menstruation, being raped,
anxiety and having rage.
Read the book you preach about,
you'll understand why it fills me with doubt.
You're a bigot, don't deny it.
Stop using this book to justify it.

Not finished yet, preveiw ;P WARNING: Masochism.

2012-09-03T00:49:51-07:00

I roam the streets, night by night. Eagerly waiting with fearfilled eyes. The way you hurt me is a sinful delite, the torture I crave when you're away. When you don't want me I'm so ashamed. I'm back to my safe place, way out of sight. Deep in the graveyard and out of the light. Now I'll sway in the wind with my eyes closed tight, and patiently wait for my master tonight. Headlights? I hide behind a headstone. Then he steps out and my blood runs cold. He staggers twards me and I bow my head, I smile and cry with hopeful dread. What will he do with his blade this time? How many times will I cream on his knife? His hand on my chin I raise to my feet, his lips against mine and my body goes weak, he catches me. A stinging pain in my neck again, I moaned and tiredly grabbed his hand. I opened my eyes to a fires crackle, cuffed to the truck while my feet are shackled. whisky and cigarettes overwhelm the fires scent, shirtless and drunk, he walks out of the tent. Six foot something, with the broadness to match. Something's wrong with my master, he seems so detached. My voice is shaking, my body's aching, I have to ask him before I'm gone.. I can feel myself slipping, so I ask him "what's wrong?" Pure confusion when I express my concern, the smile he hid was worth all the burns.. I know it's my fault, I spoke out of turn.. Then blackness.

When I wake up, I'm bloody and bruised. Warm and cozy in a dim-lit room. My hands uncuffed, Am I in my bed? No, the sheets aren't as rough.. The rooms not as bad.. I feel the movement before I see him, I turn and look and it's master's bed. Sleeping like the sweetest demon I'd evet met.. I run my fingers through his hair, kiss his lips, it's only fair. I can feel him wake. Scared and happy, I know I can take it. Wherever he hits me, however it feels. However much of my sex he steals. He put his hand to my face, I flinched and spasmed, He's kissing me back and it's too much to fathom. I hadn't noticed the wounds on my shoulders, bite marks and cuts, till he pulls me in closer. My body stings again, my clothes are beautifully painted red.. A different scent on the breathe of my devil, He seems to be on a whole new level. Not whiskey, no smoke, I try to find his Jack&Coke. I ask if he's sober, not a word, nor a sigh, just one hand runs up my thigh. The other entangled in my bedhead hair, My body's covered with the bleakest air. Still hot, not warm.. He takes a shot and I squirm. Fearful to ask why he needs to be drunk, I look in his eyes and he gives me a shrug.. Now that he's sober I ask him his name, slamming his drink, "You have to be tamed" ..