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HooLeeO's blog: "Some One Liners:"

created on 02/10/2009  |  http://fubar.com/some-one-liners/b277087

 

Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn't  you say? 

Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter 

This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this.  It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!!  They put in a correction the next day.   


 


I just couldn't help but sending this along. Too funny.   

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says 

      No crap, really? Ya think? 

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers  

       Now that's taking things a bit far! 

  ----------------------------------------------------------- 

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over  

       What a guy!   

---------------------------------------------------------------  

Miners Refuse to Work after Death 

 No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's! 

------------------------------------------------------  

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant  

See if that works any better than a fair trial! 

  ---------------------------------------------------------- 

War Dims Hope for Peace  

 I can see where it might have that effect! 

 ---------------------------------------------------------------- 

 If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile 

   Ya think?! 

-----------------------------------------------------------------------  

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures  

      Who would have thought! 

 ---------------------------------------------------------------- 

Enfield ( London

) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide   

They may be on to something! 

------------------------------------------------------------------------ 

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges  

      You mean there's something stronger than duct tape? 

  ---------------------------------------------------------- 

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge  

     He probably IS the battery charge! 

----------------------------------------------  

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group  

Weren't they fat enough?! 

-----------------------------------------------   

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft  

That's what he gets for eating those beans! 

 ---------------- ---------------------------------  

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks  

       Do they taste like chicken?

**************************************** 

   Local  High School Dropouts Cut in Half  

       Chainsaw Massacre all over again! 

 *************************************************** 

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors  

       Boy, are they tall! 

 *******************************************  

And the winner is....  

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead  

   

     Did I read that right? 

***************************************************

New State Slogans

  • Alabama: Yes, We Have Electricity

  • Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!

  • Arizona: But It's A Dry Heat

  • Arkansas: Literacy Ain't Everything

  • California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda

  • Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother

  • Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedy's Don't Own It Yet

  • Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water

  • Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids

  • Georgia: We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism

  • Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)

  • Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes ... Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good

  • Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"

  • Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free

  • Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn

  • Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States

  • Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names

  • Louisiana: We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign

  • Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster

  • Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It

  • Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)

  • Michigan: First Line Of Defense From The Canadians

  • Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes ... And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes

  • Mississippi: Come Here, and Feel Better About Your Own State

  • Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work

  • Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, And Very Little Else

  • Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest

  • Nevada: Ladies of the Night and Poker!

  • New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone

  • New Jersey: You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!

  • New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets

  • New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An Attorney

  • North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable

  • North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States!

  • Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan

  • Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing

  • Oregon: Spotted Owl ... It's What's For Dinner

  • Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal

  • Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island

  • South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender

  • South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota

  • Tennessee: The Educashun State

  • Texas: Si, Hablo Ingles (Yes, I Speak English)

  • Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus

  • Vermont: Yep

  • Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?

  • Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds And Slackers!

  • Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?

  • West Virginia: One Big Happy Family ... Really!

  • Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese

  • Wyoming: Where Men Are Men ... and the sheep are scared!!!

 1. A man comes into the ER and yells, 'My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!' I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to
 the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly, I noticed that there were several cabs -- and I was in the wrong one.
Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio , TX

 
2. At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. 'Big breaths,' I instructed. 'Yes, they used to be,' replied the patient.
Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle , WA
 
 
3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.
Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg
 
 
4 During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. 'Which one?' I asked.

'The patch, the nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours, and now I'm running out of places to put it!'
 
I had him quickly undress, and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St . Clair, Norfolk , VA.
 
 
 
5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, 'How long have you been bedridden?' After a look of complete confusion, she answered...'Why, not for about twenty years -- when my husband was alive.'
Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis , OR
 
 
6.. I was caring for a woman and asked, 'So, how's your breakfast this morning?' 'It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem To get used to the taste,' the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly, and the woman produced a foil packet labeled 'KY Jelly.'
Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit , MI
 
 
7. A nurse was on duty in the emergency room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis,so she was scheduled for immediate surgery.

 
When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, 'Keep off the grass.'


Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, 'Sorry, had to mow the lawn.'
Submitted by RN, no name

 
AND FINALLY!!!...
 
8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB , I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment, I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, 'I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?'


She replied, 'No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, 'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener.'
Doctor wouldn't submit his name (Can't blame him!)


*****************************************************************************
The young coconuts can be used as a substitute for
Blood plasma.


***************************************************************************
No piece of paper can be folded in half
more than seven (7) times. Oh go ahead...I'll wait...


****************************************************************************
Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes or shark attacks. (So, watch your Ass )



************************************************************************
You burn more calories sleeping
than you do watching television.
 


**************************************************************************
Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty (50) years of age or older.


****************************************************************************
The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.



*************************************************************************


The King of Hearts is the only king WITHOUT A MOUSTACHE



***************************************************************************


American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one (1) olive from each salad served in first-class.


**************************************************************************


Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.



(Since Venus is normally associated with women, what does this tell you!)
(That women are going the 'right' direction...?)


*********************************************************************


Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.



***********************************************************************
Most dust particles in your house are made from DEAD SKIN!



****************************************************************************
The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer. So did the first 'Marlboro Man'.



***************************************************************************
Walt Disney was afraid OF MICE!



**************************************************************************
PEARLS MELT
IN VINEGAR!

 
*********************************************************************


The three most valuable brand names on earth:
Marlboro, Coca Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.


**********************************************************************


It is possible to lead a cow upstairs..but, not downstairs.

.


************************************************************************

A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.


  
************************************************************************
Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least six (6) feet away
from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush. (I keep my toothbrush in the living room now!)



***************************************************

And the best for last.... Turtles can breathe through their butts.
(I know some people like that, don't YOU?) 

So..





Remember,
knowledge is everything, so pass it on...

and go move your toothbrush!!!

And The Sign Said:

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:

"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

**************************

In a Podiatrist's office:

"Time wounds all heels."

**************************

On a Septic Tank Truck:

Yesterday's Meals on Wheels

**************************

At a Proctologist's door:

"To expedite your visit, please back in."

**************************

On a Plumber's truck:

"We repair what your husband fixed."

**************************

On another Plumber's truck:

"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

**************************

On a Church's Bill board:

"7 days without God makes one weak."

**************************

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee :

"Invite us to your next blowout."

**************************

At a Towing company:

"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

**************************

On an Electrician's truck:

"Let us remove your shorts."

**************************

In a Nonsmoking Area:

"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

**************************

On a Maternity Room door:

"Push. Push. Push."

**************************

At an Optometrist's Office:

"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

**************************

On a Taxidermist's window:

"We really know our stuff."

**************************

On a Fence:

"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"

**************************

At a Car Dealership:

"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

**************************

Outside a Muffler Shop:

"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

**************************

In a Veterinarian's waiting room:

"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

**************************

At the Electric Company

"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.

However, if you don't, you will be."

**************************

In a Restaurant window:

"Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up."

**************************

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:

"Drive carefully. We'll wait."

**************************

At a Propane Filling Station:

"Thank heaven for little grills."

**************************

And don't forget the sign at a

CHICAGO RADIATOR SHOP:

"Best place in town to take a leak."

**********************

Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck:

"Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises

Idiots Among Us


 

IDIOT  SIGHTING

 

We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the  opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a  1/4 horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, 'NO, it's  not.' Four is larger than two..        


We  haven't used Sears repair since.

  IDIOT  SIGHTING: 

 
 
My  daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk  a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, 'you  gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes I  know,  but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back.  She sighed and went  to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me  back the quarter, and said 'We're sorry but we could not do that kind of  thing.' The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in  change..   
    
Do  not confuse the clerks at McDonald's. 
    
IDIOT  SIGHTING  : 
I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local  township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign  on our road. The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here!' 
  I  don't  think this is a good place for  them to be crossing anymore.' 

From  Kingman  ,  KS  ..
   


 
 
IDIOT  SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE  :
My daughter went to a local Taco  Bell  and ordered a taco. She asked the  person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they  only had iceberg lettuce..
 
 
 From  Kansas City    


 
 
IDIOT  SIGHTING: 
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee  asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?' To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?' He smiled  knowingly and nodded,
 
 
  'That's why we ask.'

Happened in  Birmingham  ,   Ala.
    


 
 
IDIOT  SIGHTING  : 
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was  crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew  what the buzzer was for.. I explained that it signals blind people when the light  is red. Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing  driving?!'
 

She  was a probation officer in  Wichita  ,  KS     

   
 
IDIOT SIGHTING
 
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker. She was leaving the  company due to 'downsizing.' Our manager commented cheerfully, 'This is fun. We  should do this more often.' Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at  each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.

This was a lunch at   Texas  Instruments.
     

  
 
IDIOT SIGHTING
 :  
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and  for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on. 

A deputy with the  Dallas   County  Sheriffs office, no  less.  


   

IDIOT  SIGHTING


 
When  my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were  told the keys had been locked in it.  We went to the service department and  found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door.  As I  watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and  discovered that it was unlocked.  'Hey,' I announced to the technician,  'its open!'  His reply, 'I know.  I already got that  side.'
 
 
This  was at the Ford dealership in Canton, MS



 
STAY ALERT!
 

They walk among  us... and they
 VOTE and they REPRODUCE

How Pilots Think....

"After  catastrophic engine failure, I landed long.  As I had no power, the  landing gear failed to deploy and no braking was available.  I bounced  over the stone wall at the end of the runway, struck the trailer of a truck  while crossing the perimeter road, crashed through the guardrail, grazed  a large pine tree, ran over a tractor parked in the adjacent field, and hit  another tree.     Then I lost  control."

Three Little Boys

Three little boys were concerned because they couldn't get anyone to play with them. They decided it was because they had not been baptized and didn't go to Sunday school. So they went to the nearest church, but only the janitor was there.

One said, "We need to be baptized because no one will come out and play with us. Will you baptize us?"

"Sure," said the janitor.

He took them into the bathroom and dunked their heads in the toilet bowl, one at a time. Then he said, "Now go out and play."

When they got outside, dripping wet, one of them asked, "What religion do you think we are?"

The oldest one said, "We're not Katlick, because they pour the water. We're not Bablist because they dunk all of you. We're not Methdiss because they just sprinkle you."

The littlest one said, "Didn't you smell that water?"

"Yes. What do you think that means?"

"That means we're Pisscopalians"

Top Ten Reasons:

> TOP TEN REASONS TO GO TO WORK NAKED
> (Okay, 11!)
>
> 11. No one ever steals your chair.
>
> 10. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.
>
> 9. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work
> drunk.
>
> 8. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you
> keep them.
>
> 7. So that -with a little help from Muzak- you can add "Exotic
> Dancer" to your exaggerated resume.
>
> 6. You want to see if it's like the dream.
>
> 5. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your
> shirt.
>
> 4. "I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants."
>
> 3. Inventive way to finally meet that special person in Human
> Resources.
>
> 2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on
> your tan.
>
> ...and (drum roll) the number one reason to Go To Work Naked:
>
> 1. Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your ass in here by
> 8:00!"

The Code

The code 
   

Written across the wall of the cave were the following symbols: 




It was considered a unique find and the writings were said to be at least three thousand years old! 



The piece of stone was removed, brought to the museum, and archaeologists from around the world came to study the ancient symbols. They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss the meaning of the markings. 



The President of the society pointed to first drawing and said: 'This is a woman. We can see these people held women in high esteem. You can also tell they were intelligent, as the next symbol is a donkey, so they were smart enough to have animals help them till the soil. The next drawing is a shovel, which means they had tools to help them.' 



Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means that if a famine hit the earth and food didn't grow, they seek food from the sea. The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews. 



The audience applauded enthusiastically. 

Then little Lister stood up in the back of the room and said, 'Idiots, Hebrew is read from right to left...... It says: 'Holy Mackerel, Dig The Ass On That Chick

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