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Hung Chow calls into work and says "hey, I no come work today. I sick! I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache, my legs and arms hurt. I no come work today!"
The boss says, "you know Hung Chow, I really need you to come to work today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and ask her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that ok?"
Two hours later Hung Chow calls into work, "I try what you said and I feel great! Soon I be at work......You got nice house!"
Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting. He travelled up to Alaska , spotted a small brown bear and shot it.
Soon after there was a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear.
The black bear said, "That was a very bad mistake. That was my cousin. I'm going to give you two choices: Either I maul you to death or we have sex." After considering briefly, Frank decided to accept the latter alternative.
So the black bear had his way with Frank.
Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge.
He headed out on another trip to Alaska where he found the black bear and shot it dead.
Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder.
This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him.
The grizzly said, "That was a big mistake, Frank.
That was my cousin and you've got two choices: Either I maul you to death or we have "rough sex."
Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear than be mauled to death. So the grizzly had his way with Frank.
Although he survived, it took several months before Frank fully recovered.
Now Frank was completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shot it.
He felt sweet revenge, but then, moments later, there was a tap on is shoulder.
He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.
The polar bear looked at him and said, "Admit it Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"
The phone rings and the lady of the house answers..
"Hello?"
"Mrs. Sanders please."
"Speaking."
"This is Dr. Jones at St. Agnes Labratory. When your doctor sent in the biopsy for your husband last week, another biopsy came in from another Mr. Sanders. We are uncertain which biopsy belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way, the results are not very good."
"What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously...
"Well one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which."
"That's dreadful. Can you do the tests again?" questioned Mrs. Sanders.
"Normally we can, but the new healthcare system will only pay for these expensive tests one time."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
"The folks at ObamaCare suggest you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town and if he finds his way home, don't sleep with him!"
A widowed Jewish lady was sunbathing on a beach in Fort Myers , Florida .
She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand next to hers and began reading a book.
Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "Hello sir, how are you today?"
"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.
"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.
"First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago," he replied and turned back to his
book.
"I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away 3 years ago and it is very lonely," she countered. "Do you live around here?" she asked.
"Yes, I live over in Cape Coral ," he answered and again resumed reading.
Trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted, "Do you like pussy cats?"
With that, the man dropped his book, jumped off his blanket and on to her, tore off her swimsuit and gave her the most passionate ride of her life!
When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"
The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"
A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'
She calls on little Ralphy.
He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'
The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking..'
Then little RALPHY says, 'I have a question for YOU.
There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.
The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?'
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'
To which Little RALPHY replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.'
A man went to the doctor to get a double dose of Viagra. The doctor told him that he could not prescribe a double dose. "Why not?" asked the man. "Because it's not safe" replied the doctor. "But I need it really bad," said the man.
"My girfriend is coming to town on Friday, my ex-wife will be in town on Saturday, and my wife is coming in on Sunday! Can't you see, I need a double dose!"
The doctor finally relented but said, "you have to come in on Monday morning so I can check you out to see if there are any side affects."
On Monday morning the man dragged himself in, his arm in a sling. "What happened to you?" asked the doctor. The man replied, "No one showed up...."
A guy walks into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marches straight up to the desk and says "you know, I just hate drawing welfare!"
The clerk behind the counter says, "your timing is excellent. We just got notified of a job from a very wealthy old man who wants a cheauffer and a body guard. You will have to drive him around in his brand new 2009 Mercedes Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours your meals will be provided."
"You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is awkward to say, but as part of your duties you will have to satisfy her sexual urges and as she is in her mid 20's has a rather strong sex drive."
"You will be given a 2 bedroom loft type apartment with a Plasma t.v., stereo, bar, pool etc.. located above the garage and designated for your sole use. Your salary will be $200,000.00 a year."
The guy just plain wide-eyed, said, "you're bullshittin' me!"
The social worked said, "Yeah, well you started it!"
WOMEN'S ADS
40-ish....................49
Adventurer............Slept with all your friends
Athletic..................No tits
Average looking.....Has a face like a basset hound
Beautiful.................Pathological liar
Contagious Smile....Does a lot of Ecstasy
Emotionally Secure..Medicated
Feminist.................Fat ballbuster
Free spirit...............Junkie
Friendship first.......Trying to live down reputation as a slut
Fun....................... Annoying
Gentle....................Comatose
Good Listener........Borderline Autistic
New-Age................All body hair, all the time
Old-fashioned.........Lights out, missionary position only, no BJ's
Open-minded..........Desperate
Outgoing.................Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate...............Sloppy drunk
Poet....................... Depressive Schizophrenic
Professional............Certified Bitch
Redhead.................Bad dye-job
Reubenesque..........Grossly Fat
Romantic................Looks better by candle light
Social.....................Been passed around like an hors doeuvres tray
Voluptuous.............Very Fat
Weight proportion w/ height..Hugely Fat
Wants Soulmate................... Stalker
Widow....................... Drove first husband to shoot himself
Young at heart.............Old bat
MEN'S ADS
40-ish....................52 and looking for 25-yr-old
Athletic..................Watches a lot of NASCAR
Average looking.....Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, & back
Educated...............Will patronize the shit out of you
Free Spirit..............Banging your sister
Friendship first.......As long as friendship involves nookie
Fun........................Good with a remote and a six pack
Good looking.........Arrogant
Very good looking..Dumb as a board
Honest...................Pathological Liar
Huggable...............Overweight, more body hair than a bear
Likes to cuddle.......Insecure mama's boy
Mature...................Older than your father
Open-minded.........Wants to sleep with your roommate but she's
not interested
Physically fit...........Does a lot of 12-ounce curls
Poet.......................Wrote ex-girlfriend's # on a bathroom stall
Sensitive.................Cries at chick flicks
Very sensitive.........Gay
Spiritual.................Got laid in a cemetery once
Stable....................Arrested for stalking, but not convicted
Thoughtful.............Says "Excuse me" when he farts
1. *Cheese*
The teacher asked Pepito to use the word "cheese" in a sentence. Pepito replies: Maria likes me, but cheese fat!
2. *Mushroom*
When all my family get in the car, there's not mushroom...
3. *Shoulder*
My fren wanted to become a citizen but she didn't know how to read, so I shoulder....
4. *Texas*
My fren' always texas me at home wondering where I'm at!
5. *Herpes*
Me and my fren ordered a pizza. I got my piece and she got herpes..
6. *July*
Ju tol me ju were going to tha store and july to me. JULYER!
7. *Rectum*
I had two cars and my wife rectum
8. *Chicken*
I was gonna go to the store with my wife but chicken go herself
9. *Wheelchair*
We only have one Enchilada left, but it's ok, wheelchair...
10. *Chicken Wing*
My wife plays the lottery so chicken wing
11. *Harassment*
My wife caught me in bed wid another woman but I told her, Honey harassment nothing to me!
12. *Bishop*
My wife fell down the stairs so I had to pick the bishop...
13. *Body Wash*
I want to go to tha club, but no body wash my kids
14. *Budweiser*
That lady over there has a nice body, budweiser face to ugly?
