HooLeeO's blog: "Are these funny?"

A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 35 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.

However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:
'I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place.. The very first per son who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled. But as the days went on I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.'..

Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:

'I'll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived,' said the politician. 'In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to20go to him for confession.'

Moral : Never, Never, Never Be Late

Mike Was going to be married to Karen

So his Father sat him down for a little chat.

He said, 'Mike, let me tell you something.

On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to
Your Mother, and said, 'Here, try these on.''

She did and said, 'These are too big.

I can't wear  them.'

I replied, 'Exactly.. I wear the pants in

This family and I always will.'


Ever Since that night, we have

Never had any  problems.

'Hmmm,' said Mike. He thought that might be a good  thing to try.

On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said  to Karen, 'Here, try
These on..'

She tried them on and said, 'These are too large.  They don't fit me.'
 

Mike Said, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family

And I Always will. I don't want you to ever forget that.'

Then Karen took off her panties and handed them to  Mike. She said, 'Here, you try on mine.'

Mike Did and said,

'I can't get into your panties.'
Karen said, 'Exactly. And if you don't change
Your smart-ass attitude, you never will.'

A farmer was sitting in the neighborhood bar getting drunk.

A man came in and asked the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day, getting drunk?"

The farmer shook his head and replied, "Some things you just can't explain."

"So what happened that's so horrible?" the man asked as he sat down next to the farmer.

"Well," the farmer said, "today I was sitting by my cow, milking her. Just as I got the bucket full, she lifted her left leg and kicked over the bucket."

"Okay," said the man, "but that's not so bad."

"Some things you just can't explain," the farmer replied.

"So what happened then?" the man asked.

The farmer said, "I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left."

"And then?"

"Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket."

The man laughed and said, "Again?"

The farmer replied, "Some things you just can't explain."

"So, what did you do then?" the man asked.

"I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right."

"And then?"

"Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail."

"Hmmm," the man said and nodded his head.

"Some things you just can't explain," the farmer said.

"So, what did you do?" the man asked.

"Well," the farmer said, "I didn't have anymore rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in ... Some things you just can't explain."

If you hear a "loud rumble" tonite in the sky, don't worry. It's not thunder.

It's Elvis beatin' the crap out of Micheal Jackson for
marrying his daughter.

GRANDMA AND GRANDPA WERE WATCHING A RELIGIOUS HEALING PROGRAM ON
TV.......
THE EVANGELIST CALLED TO ALL WHO WANTED TO BE HEALED, TO PUT ONE HAND ON
THE
TV AND THE OTHER ON THE BODY PART THEY WANTED HEALED...

GRANDMA HOBBLED TO THE TV AND PUT ONE HAND ON THE TV AND THE OTHER ON
HER
ARTHRITIC HIP..
GRANDPA MADE HIS WAY TO THE SET AND PUT ONE HAND ON THE TV AND THE OTHER
ON
HIS CROTCH...

GRANDMA LOOKED AT HIM WITH DISGUST: "YOU JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND, YOU OLD
COOT.....THE PURPOSE OF THIS PROGRAM IS TO HEAL THE SICK, NOT RAISE THE
DEAD.

Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, 'How many of you have forgiven your enemies?'

80% held up their hands.

The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.

'Miss Joyce''; 'Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?'

I don't have any.' She replied, smiling sweetly.

'Miss Joyce', that is very unusual. How old are you?'

'Ninety-eight.' she replied.

'Oh,  Miss.  Joyce, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?'

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle,  faced the congregation, and said:

'I outlived the bitches.

 One said, "think I enjoy the rodeo position the best." 
 
"I don't think I have ever heard of that one," said the other cowboy. "What is it ?" 
 
"Well, it's where you get your wife down on all fours and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands and whisper in her ear, 'Boy, these feel just like your sister's.' 
 
Then you try and stay on for 8 seconds."

And it came to pass in the Age of Insanity that the people of the land called America, having lost their morals, their initiative, and their will to defend their liberties, chose as their Supreme Leader that person known as "The One".

Why I   fired my Secretary.   
 
Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning..   
 
I went downstairs for breakfast   
hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,   
'Happy Birthday!',   
and possibly have a small present for me.   
 
As it turned out,   
she barely said good morning,   
let alone   
' Happy Birthday.'   
 
I thought....   
 
Well, that's marriage for you,   
but the kids.....   
They will remember.   
 
My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast 
and didn't say a word..   
So when I left for the office,   
I felt pretty low   
and somewhat despondent.   
 
As I walked into my office,   
my secretary Jane said,   
'Good Morning Boss,   
and by the way   
Happy Birthday ! '   
It felt a little better   
that at least someone had remembered.   
 
I worked until one o'clock ,   
when Jane knocked on my door   
and said, 'You know,   
It's such a beautiful day outside,   
and it is your Birthday,   
what do you say we go out to lunch,   
just you and me..'   
I said, 'Thanks, Jane,   
that's the greatest thing   
I've heard all day.   
Let's go !'   
 
We went to lunch.   
But we didn't go   
where we normally would go. 
She chose instead at a quiet bistro   
with a private table.   
We had two martinis each   
and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.   
 
On the way back to the office, 
Jane said, 'You know,   
It's such a beautiful day...   
We don't need to go straight back to the office,   
do We ?'   
 
I responded,   
'I guess not.   
What do you have in mind ?'   
She said,   
'Let's drop by my apartment,   
it's just around the corner.'   
 
After arriving at her apartment,   
Jane turned to me and said, 
' Boss, if you don't mind,   
I'm going to step into the bedroom   
for just a moment.   
I'll be right back.'   
'Ok.' I nervously replied.   
 
She went into the bedroom and,   
after a couple of minutes,   
she came out   
carrying a huge birthday cake ...   
Followed   
by my wife,   
my kids,   
and dozens of my friends   
and co-workers,   
all singing 'Happy Birthday'.   
 
And I just sat there....   
 
On the couch...   
 
 
 
Naked. 
 
ooohhhhh---shit-----------------w