Soaring Free....That is how i am feeling after i got my divorced from my husband for almost two years now. Scared of being alone and looking after three children kept me in that unhealthy relationship. Years after years i put up with it coz i wanted to work things out. But nothing is just working, i sank to depths of depression that i hadn't known existed. I had never before experienced anything like, feeling of being lonely and alone just me and my children. Somedays the responsibilities of it all overwhelmed me and i would be shaking with fright. My very bestfriend Krizzy were always there for me whenever i needed a crying shoulder. She spent hours and hours with me online trying to comfort me, but depression settling and i was just an emotional wreck, so many hours filled with thoughts of broken dreams and despair. I cried often, yet i made sure that my children won't see me crying coz i know that they worried about me, specially my son Jay. I was determined that this problems won't affect my children. Everytime i looked at them, somehow i managed to put a BIG SMILE on my face...they keep me going. Years , months, weeks, days had passed, i heard myself saying outloud i don't want to live anymore, just wanna give up. But after saying it, silence was overwhelming. I sat on my bed for awhile, letting the tears flow down my cheeks. I was up almost the whole night thinking, but from somewhere within me arose a strength I hadn't felt before. I decided then to take control of my life. The following day, i talk to my husband and told him outloud that i don't love him anymore and i wanted a divorce from him. He was shocked , cried and begged me to considered , go to marriage counselling, but all i said to him was, i had it and i don't love you anymore. And i would never let him take control of my life in such a negative way. I realized that by focusing so much of my attention on his weaknesses, i was also allowing those weaknesses to ruin my life.
That very day i talked to him about divorce, i felt so much better, feel free all of a sudden. I got thinking that hey i still have three children to think off and love. My children kept me going, give me a reason to every morning to get out of bed, go to work and put a big smile on my face..my children, what a blessing in my life!
From that day on, i only focused on my happiness and my children, i feel more confident and got more strength to face my day to day living. I've focused to such a positive things in life, what a diffrence it made in my life. I felt laughing again and i enjoyed being around people and friends for the very first time in months. I went to counselling that help me through my separation/divorce and i began the process of discovering the individual i had kept hidden inside myself for so long-- a process that i am still enjoying today. I continued going on to counselling til i felt i had hit bottom. When I no longer felt the need for my counsellors support and guidance, I remember the last question she had asked me..."Are you ready to face a new life ahead of you??" I never hesitated and told her that never been ready and what i learned that my happiness has to come within. I had made the mistake in my life of basing my identity on my marriage and all the things that surrounding that relationship. I've learned that i am solely responsible for my own life and happiness. When i focus my life on another person and try to build my life and happiness around that person, that i am not truly living . To truly live my life, i need to let the spirit within me be free. soaring free and be rejoice in its uniqueness. It is in this state of being that the love of another person becomes a joy and not something to be afraid of losing...I lift my spirit high and soar high and free.. now i am free like a bird..never been happy and being single isn't that bad at all....... it rocks! LOL
