MrsM's blog: "smiling again..."

sometimes do you ever wonder if the way u see things...that your the only one who sees them that way? i have been feeling that way lately. i try not to make a big deal of things that are little things even tho the little things mean alot to me. the big things for the most part are there i just miss the little things. i havent ever had them....and i would really like them. i would like them from one special someone but i dont want to bug him by always sayin it..i would like to just get them.it would mean more that way. this prolly only make sense to a few people who know me really well..but i had to type it out anyways. o well when i get braver then maybe i will finish this blog and say all i am tryin to say......for now...hopefully it gets read...and understood...and things change....

Ever never ending..one of those days again. my neck has been hurtin making my head hurt. i lay down my shoulders hurt...see i keep tellin people im gettin old no one listens..lol then i have a good friend tell me hes comtemplating suicide and has been..but wants me to tell no one...um and im suppose to do what with this information???? then my neighbor is like being a pain. i asked for two eggs..i get the is he working u would have money and have eggs and blah blah blah speech..which im sorry but just cuz she had a drug dealin bf that pulled in bucks doesnt mean she can say anything to me. whenever she asked me for anything even when he was around i always gave it to her if i had it. i miss someone alot and no one but me and one other person knows it.they were a big part of my life and i hope that they will be again...its just hard when life makes us go thru things and changes and we have to move or get shoved along with it. had a phone call out of the blue from someone i hadnt talked to in forever that called me by accident..lol he didnt know my number was stil in his phone. that was intersting. idk..it just seems like its all deciding to hit today...how nice isnt it???sigh......

I don't know what I've done Or if I like what I've begun But something told me to run And honey you know me it's all or none There were sounds in my head LIttle voices whispering That I should go and this should end Oh and I found myself listening 'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you All I know is that I should And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you All I know is that I should 'Cos she will love you more than I could She who dares to stand where I stood See I thought love was black and white That it was wrong or it was right But you didn't leaving without a fight And I think I am just as torn inside And I won't be far from where you are if ever you should call You meant more to me than anyone I ever loved at all But you taught me how to trust myself and so I say to you This is what I have to do 'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you All I know is that I should And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you All I know is that I should 'Cos she will love you more than I could She who dares to stand where I stood Oh, she who dares to stand where I stood

Once again the road is laid out before me... a new path that i know not what lies ahead...but i look forward to it if only to experience something new and to be able to say been there done that. so many things in life seem important at the time and then later u look back and realize all the energy that got wasted on something trivial and how not enough was spent on the important things that got missed when dealin with the trivial ones that seemed such a big deal at the moment. i dont want to miss a thing. i want to experience it all and not miss the important stuff cuz im sweating the little stuff. life throws us curve balls...we need to know when to hit at them and when to let them pass. i cant wait for the next one......

i have alot of thoughts running around in my mind these days and im not sure where any of them end up. i thought i had found love..i hoped i had...tho the one i thought i loved has continually said he loves me but then also continually acts and says love hasnt found him and love is a lie. then i thought i was in love and even tho i was told i was loved i felt i became boring and that the urge to play was just too much to ignore and for me to be enough and statisfying enough for one person to be happy with just me. then i found someone to heal with and even with that i end up being the odd person out somehow. like the heart healed and moved on while mine was left to sit on the shelf and wonder once again what happened. now i sit and wonder....what is wrong with me? what is it about me that my love and all of what i have to give means any less to anyone than someone elses? that im ok to play with, be friends with, to call when someone is needed to talk to or for a favor but when i desperately need someone there is almost no one to be found. am i not enough of a b*tch? do i give too much and ask for too little...does no one hear my soul screaming out to just be loved for me and to be wanted as much as im supposedly needed? why must i always wait for everything and everything always be so hard? what is it going to take for someone to see me for the real honest outgoing loving person that i am?? is everyone so busy playing games that they look past people like me?? like im a second thought and then when they need soemone im the one they come to...but no matter how much i am there...its not enough to keep them around...or make them see just how much i need them and want them and how much ache to be enough for them to stay with me and give me the chance to give them all i am. im not a halfway type person i never have been....when i love someone they get my all. i just dont know if my all will ever be good enough or enough period............

My Black Dahlia - Hollywood Undead I loved you, you made me, hate me. You gave me, hate, see?. It saved me and these tears are deadly. You feel that? I rip back, every time you tried to steal that. You feel bad? you feel sad? I'm sorry, hell no fuck that! It was my heart, it was my life, it was my start, it was your knife. This strife it dies, this life and these lies. And these lungs have sung this song for too long, and its true I hurt too, remember I LOVE YOU! I've , Lost it all, fell today, It's all the same I'm sorry oh I'm sorry no I've , been abused, I feel so used, because of you I'm sorry oh I'm sorry no I wish I could I could have quit you. I wish I never missed you, And told you that I loved you, every time I fucked you. The future that we both drew, and all the shit we've been through. Obsessed with the thought of you, the pain just grew and grew! How could you do this to me? Look at what I made for you, it never was enough and the world is what I gave to you. I used to be love struck; now I'm just fucked up. Seems like all we had is over now you left to rest. And your tears are dried up now, you just lay without a sound. Seems like all we had is over now, you left to rest. And my fears are over now, I can leave with my head down.

A] - AVAILABLE: nope [B] - BIRTHDAY: 7-8-70 [C] - CONFUSED: a little.... [D] - DRINK U HAD LAST: an orange pop [E] - EASIEST PERSON TO TALK TO: my self and a good friend of mine [F] - FAVORITE MUSIC GROUP/BAND: hmm the list is a long one [G] - GUMMY BEARS OR GUMMY WORMS: i guess worms but neither can scream when u bite off thier heads [H]- HOMETOWN: born seattle wa [I]- INSTRUMENT(s): idk [J] - JUICE: orange i guess [K] - KILLED SOMEONE: in real life or in my dreams?? [L] - LONGEST CAR RIDE:dunno been a while since i got to go on a road trip [M] - MILKSHAKE FLAVOR: peanutbutter and chocolate.. [N] - NUMBER OF PETS: none at the moment...miss mine tho... [O] - ONE WISH: to be stable and happy and loved and secure all for just being me [P] - PERSON WHO YOU KISSED LAST?: my kids [Q]- QUIT A JOB?: yes [R] - REASONS TO SMILE: my children my real friends and the one i love [S] - SONG YOUR LISTENING TO: Flyleaf broken wings on repeat at the moment...kate bush this womans work and lucuna coil heaven is a lie alternately [T] - TIME WOKE UP: 11am? [U] - UNDERWEAR: i guess is ok when i do wear it [V] - VIOLENT: depends...not normally but try me and i can be [W]- WORST HABIT: caring too much [X] - X-RAYS YOU'VE HAD:arm, teeth, back, chest, head, i guess most my body [Y] - YOUR FAVORITE ANIMAL: black leapord, white tigers, black panthers [Z]- ZODIAC SIGN:Cancer

I know that when you look at me theres so much that u just dont see but if u would only take the time i know in my heart you would find oh a girl that scared sometimes who isnt always strong cant u see the hurt in me i feel so all alone each day, i play the role the rold of someone always in control but at night when i come home and turn the key theres nobody there who cares for me whats the sense in tryin hard to find ur dreams without someone to share it with tell me what does it mean???

I walk to the edge again, searching for the truth Taken by the memories of all that I've been Through If I could hear your voice I know that I would be Okay I know that I've been wrong but I'm begging you To stay, won't you stay Will you be here or will I be alone, will I be Scared, you'll teach me how to be strong and if I Fall down will you help me carry on, I cannot do This alone I wish that I could turn back time just to have One more chance to be who I need to be, I Pray you'll understand if I could hear your Voice I know that I would be okay I know that I've Been wrong but I'm begging you to stay, won't You stay I need your hand to help me make it through Again Nothing compares to how I feel when I look at You You never know, you never know tomorrow You never know, you never know tomorrow, don't Walk away I am not alone I know you're there

Little baby so perfect so new From out of love We made you In your daddys Strong arms Tenderly held A love so deep A need so great Now at last a reality Your sweet soft cheek i stroke While i watch you sleep and wonder what magic things you dream I hope that you will always know Even tho at times it may seem extreme That daddy and mommy will always love you No matter how hard life seems We wanted you You are a part of us That will continue on And forever be