MrsM's blog: "smiling again..."

i have alot of thoughts running around in my mind these days and im not sure where any of them end up. i thought i had found love..i hoped i had...tho the one i thought i loved has continually said he loves me but then also continually acts and says love hasnt found him and love is a lie. then i thought i was in love and even tho i was told i was loved i felt i became boring and that the urge to play was just too much to ignore and for me to be enough and statisfying enough for one person to be happy with just me. then i found someone to heal with and even with that i end up being the odd person out somehow. like the heart healed and moved on while mine was left to sit on the shelf and wonder once again what happened. now i sit and wonder....what is wrong with me? what is it about me that my love and all of what i have to give means any less to anyone than someone elses? that im ok to play with, be friends with, to call when someone is needed to talk to or for a favor but when i desperately need someone there is almost no one to be found. am i not enough of a b*tch? do i give too much and ask for too little...does no one hear my soul screaming out to just be loved for me and to be wanted as much as im supposedly needed? why must i always wait for everything and everything always be so hard? what is it going to take for someone to see me for the real honest outgoing loving person that i am?? is everyone so busy playing games that they look past people like me?? like im a second thought and then when they need soemone im the one they come to...but no matter how much i am there...its not enough to keep them around...or make them see just how much i need them and want them and how much ache to be enough for them to stay with me and give me the chance to give them all i am. im not a halfway type person i never have been....when i love someone they get my all. i just dont know if my all will ever be good enough or enough period............