A doctor in Minnesota wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he told his assistant "Ya Ole, I am going hunting tomorrow and we don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of our patients".
"Yes, sir..." answers Ole.
The doctor goes hunting and returns the next day and asks: "So Ole, how was your day?"
Ole tells him he took care of three patients. "The first one had a headache, so I gave him TYLENOL."
"Bravo! Ya, Ole, and the second one?" says the doctor.
"The second one had stomach burning, and I gave him MAALOX, sir," says Ole.
"Bravo, bravo Ole! You're good at this and what; about the third one?" asks the doctor.
"Sir, I was sitting here, and suddenly the door opens, and a woman enters like a flame. She undresses herself, taking off her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spread her legs and shouts: HELP ME! For five years I have not seen any man!!"
And what did you do Ole?" asks the doctor.
"I put eye drops in her eyes."
************ ********* ********* ********* ***
Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing.
One lady turns and asks, "Do you still get horny?"
The other replies, "Oh sure I do."
The first old lady asks, "What do you do about it?"
The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver."
After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who drives you to the beach?"
************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********
An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat
on tightly so that it would not blow off in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said: "Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to
be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high
wind?"
"Yes, I know," said the lady. "I need both hands to hold onto this hat."
"But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!" said the
gentleman in earnest.
The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir,anything
you see down there is 85 years old. The hat is brand new."
************ ********* ********* *********
Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home
reminiscing.
The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with
her hands the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.
The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger &
cheaper also, & demonstrated the size of two big onions she'd buy for a
penny a piece.
The third old lady remarked, "I can't hear a word you're saying, but I
remember the guy you're talking about."
************ ********* ********* *********
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car.
Both could barely see over the dashboard.
As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection.
The stoplight was red but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it. I
could have sworn we drove thru it."
They drove a few more minutes they came to another intersection, the light
was red, and again they went right through.
This time, the passenger was almost sure that the light had been red, but
was also concerned that she might be seeing things.
She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they
blew right through it.
She turned to the other woman and said, " Mildred! Did you know that you ran
through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh Shit! Am I driving?"
************ ********* ********* *********
A bakery owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties.
One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk and at the loaves of bread behind the counter.
Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea.
"I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says.
The female clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, which is located on the very top shelf.
The young, man standing almost directly beneath her, is provided with an excellent view, just as he thought.
When she descends the ladder he decides that he had better get two loaves, as he is "having company for dinner."
As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what's going on.
Thinking quickly, he requests his own loaf of raisin bread so they can continue to enjoy the view.
With each trip up the ladder, the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male customer.
Pretty soon, each male customer is asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up and down the ladder.
After many trips, she is tired, irritated and begins to wonder 'why the unusual interest in the raisin bread?'
Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down and glares at the men standing below.
Then, she notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd.
Thinking that she can save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is it raisin for you too? "
"No," stammers the old man, "but it's quivering a little."
************ ********* ********* *********
A guy goes to the U.S. Post Office to apply for a job.
The interviewer asks him, "have you been in the service?"
"Yes," he says, "I was in Vietnam for three years."
The interviewer says, "That will give you extra points toward
employment."
and then asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says, "Yes, 100%... a mortar round exploded near me and blew
my
testicles off."
The interviewer tells the guy, "OK I can hire you right now.
The hours are from 8:00 AM. to 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow. Come
in
at 10:00 A.M"
The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00
P.M.
then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 A.M.?"
"This is a government job," the interviewer says. "For the first two
hours
we stand around scratching our balls... no point in your coming in for
that."
