Lastnight I decided I was gonna take a preg test. I should have started my monthly like almost 2 wks ago. I wasnt sure if I should tell Jeff that I was late or wait until I took the test. Well I decided to go ahead and tell him. Now I wish I hadnt. He got off work early and he said he wanted to talk to me. The first question he asked me was "where you taking your birthcontrol?" I told him that I was. Then he said I didnt need to get defensive. That its hard to talk to me cuz I get defensive. I get that way if I feel like I am being accused of something. He even said that he was keeping track of all the times I got defensive with him. He said he prayed that it was just stress that thats y I am late. I took the test last night and this morning and all were negative.
I laid on the couch lastnight when everyone was in bed and he came out and asked my y I was on the couch. I told him what was on my mind and he said that he was only asking cuz he hasnt even seen my pills. I dont think I need to tell him where they are. I keep them hidden so my daughter wont find them. I did show him where they were tho. Then the subject turned to money. He asked me if I realized how much money I gave him for bills the last 2 times I got paid. He thinks that I am not gonna pay him anything. Its like he is keeping track of my money. I never ask him what he is doing with his money. I told him that I had his money and I was getting it to him on Monday and he asked if it I was sure thats I am not saying that cuz he said something about it.
I just dont feel like he trusts me for some reason or has enough faith in me for some reason. I cried myself to sleep lastnight. I never have any money for myself to do what I want. When I get paid I give most or all of my check to him for bills. And that is fine and all but I wish he didnt make it all sound like I was a roommate.
I am just wondering when its gonna be my turn. When is it gonna be my time to be happy. Not to worry all the time and stressed about if I am making everyone else happy. If I am doing something wrong. I know I am not perfect.
I love Jeff so very much but sometimes he can hurt me more then he knows. Maybe I am just being dumb and there is no reason for me to feel this way.
