You know, it was bound to happen. Only I can screw up a birthday so badly that I invite seven years bad luck on top of it all. I should have known better!
I woke up that morning, after a disasterous beginning, finally found the time to put on my face, war paint, my kids call it. Although I have done this time and again for the last 15 years, today was the day I drop the mirror, cracking it right down the center. I attempted to look through it and saw my visage flawed, two sides, disunited, but doing my best, I hoped both brows were even.
I run downtown to order the cake, wondering why the baker was looking at me so curiously. Catching a glimpse of myself in the glass fronted cake box, I noticed one eyebrow at least an inch higher than the other. Great!!! I paid for my purchase, and in the car pulled the rear view mirror down and tried to fix the damage. Having only a mom's "fix it all", I spat on the kleenex and grimacing applied the foul wetness to my face. there!! That looked better, but I would never expect to do that to my kids again.
Next I ran to the Party Office and ordered the singing telegram and the clown. My face red, as the counter woman took my order barely keeping herself under control. Now what! I paid for the clown and once again in the car pulled down the mirror and with a horror realized that I had wiped out one eyebrow and left the other so that I had one dark outline and one much lighter one, leaving my face looking ridiculous. I could have taken clown make-up lessons and looked better. Again I resorted to the much detested spit on the rag, and wiped it away.
On to the pharmacy. I quickly made arrangements for what I needed and returned home, deciding to simply have them deliver my order rather than wait for it to be filled.
Home. Ah, feet up for ahile until my husbands family, the children and little guests showed up.
Startled by the screams of children I jumped up off the couch, looked at my watch and was on the run again. The party started in 5 minutes and guests were arriving. I sneak into the living room and there everyone was. My husband looking at me with barely pent up laughter, the children giggling. My in-laws not bothering to hide their snorts and sniggers. My husband sidled up and whispered that I needed to go fix my face, and he would set everything up.
In the bathroom I look and my face is really a mess, lipstick smeared, mascara melted from sleep under my eyes, my hair a rats nes, and worse, dried spittle above each eye. Quickly fixing the damage, I just washed everything off, and combed my hair to race down the stairs just as the bell rang.
The clown was being shown in just as I entered the living room. The children clapped aloud. The clown was hesitating, and I encourage him to go ahead, whispering to please go on with the show. He whispers " are you sure"?, and I emphatically shake my head yes.
The lights go out and this clown is spotlighted, bringing out balloons, every eye on him. After a fashion he holds up, Oh my I am almost embarrassed to say, but it looks like my husbands, uhmm, well it was not a doggy anyway. And to my horror, this clown is now beginning to strip off his pantaloons, starting a resounding rendition of an adult song. Jumping up, I stop him and pull him aside. After a brief conversation I pay him and off he goes. I had hired an adult entertainer. But thank goodness things had not progressed too far.
Re-entering the room I see my child opening a strange looking package in brown wrapper. My husband snuck up next to me and quietly berated me for not using happy wrap. I look at him clueless. I did not give her that gift!!! I look on with interest as she removes, birth control pills, prophlactics, monostat 7, and a cute little purse that held 10 tampons. My pharmacy package had arrived. She was delighted, the little imp, passing it all around to be looked at. I simply melted to the floor, crept up stairs and sent to bed. I do not know how the night ended, but I do remember my husband coming to bed, rolling over and quietly saying, " through sickness and in health............"
