Well this one is a hard one to start, but Imma try. Due to alot of recent events and such something good yet bad is happening with me. I now feel I am reverting back to how I used to cope with bad things going on with me...like how I delt with it as a child. I would like to call this emotion "blah". With everything that has happened my normal self would have been angry, enraged, and vengeful beyond what I had already done, but it feels like something has cracked inside of me. I wanna say fuck it...life has won...Im tired of battling every little thing that seems to be a major obstacle in my way or anything that brings me down in any fashion....I cant do it anymore....Im getting to the point in my life where I cant hold up this defense with everything nomore....everyone has a drawing point...kinda like someone is gonna die when being continuously beat on....well for the most part of my life my emotions have ran high in a bad way...something always super stressful happening...and I always thru up that wall and was always being defensive by letting everything come out in anger or rage or seeking revenge cause it all made me feel better....now its coming to the point that even that is just adding more stress...I cant do it anymore...I just wanna say Im done with all that...yes Ill eventually feel anger again....but I wont be striking back like I normally would have done....Ill probably just sit back and let whatever is going on happen...Ill even sit back and let someone cuss me out and not say a word back to them...and I almost wanna say if someone decides to hit me...Ill let them do what they feel and turn the other cheek...Im so sick of all this...when I say revert to coping with bad stuff like I did as a child...I mean Ill probably just cry about whatever is going on and go on about my business...For the last 3 days I have felt negative about everything, but I can not lay it on one emotion....I wasnt exactly sad, angry, depressed, etc.....I wasnt anything..I sorta feel like a robot...It feels weird....its like I have decided to let shit go on the inside....but at the same time I dont like this feeling...this is way out of character for me and Ive never felt like a "robot" before. I feel at this point in time...something bad could happen to me in the next few mins or tomorrow like breaking my leg or something...and I wouldnt care....at the same time...I am not feeling suicidal nor having suicidal thoughts....Im not gonna stab myself or anything...Im just to the point where if something bad did happen...I wouldnt care...let it happen.....could this be me not having anymore will power? Its like I dont care if I live or die...something of that nature...this is very hard to explain...and I hope if anyone reads this they get where Im coming from. Either way....Im to the point...I just dont care anymore...at least about myself...I dont care if someone cusses me out, i dont care if i get beat down, i dont care if i get hurt, i dont even care if i can get out of bed tomorrow....but just to let people know...if u intend on havin a problem with me and cussin me out or saying fighting words to me....please know that...I am going to turn the other cheek from now on...Im done explaining myself....Im done fightin people whether it be in an argument or a physical fight...Im just done!
