A Man Is No One's blog: "Rants"

Oh my fucking god, I seriously do not know how much longer I can deal with shit. Its like no matter what I do nothing is ever good enough for anyone, EVER! And god fucking forbid people be honest and straight forward anymore. Everyone has an angle they are working, or some agenda. I could seriously go on and on and on about all the stupid, manipulative, self-centered bullshit I have to deal with on a daily basis, but seriously why bother. It would change nothing. It doesn't matter how good a person i try to be, how caring or loving or supportive...

I mean, really, am I such a horrible person? I figure I must be since I am continually dumped on in some way. I checked my pockets for bullshit magnets and came up empty, so it must be me I guess. Just one big bullshit magnet. It seriously does not pay to be a nice guy. Nice guy = door mat.

And before some people jump to the conclusion that maybe this is about them... if it were, believe me, you'd have known long before I decided to vent here. I just need to let off some steam here rather than blow up at people that don't deserve it (or do deserve it but I choose not to blow up on because in this instance they are miraculously innocent).

Just don't know what to do anymore. No matter what I do, how hard I try, its never good enough. 

I just had an epiphany of sorts...

Seems I have always spent a lot of time and effort trying to be good enough for people.

Turns out that my having to make that effort meant they weren't good enough for me to begin with.

Yup, that is all.

~nuff said~

There once was a bird who was having so much fun one summer that he didn't want to fly south when the other birds were ready to go. A day came though when the weather turned cold so the bird began to fly south. As he flew, an early winter storm struck and the bird froze as he flew and fell to earth in a cow pasture. Along came a cow who took a shit on the bird, and the warmth of the shit thawed the bird out, saving his life. The bird was so happy to have survived that he threw his head back and sang. Nearby, a cat heard the bird singing and came over, dug him out of the shit, and ate him.

Moral of the story:

Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy, and not everyone who digs you out of shit is your friend. And if you are warm and happy you should just keep your mouth shut :p

So those of you who know me well know that for the past 18 months I have been dealing with severe shoulder and arm pain. For the longest time The doctors thought the problem was in my neck since the mri's showed a bad disc. Countless months were spent pursuing this angle, including physical therapy and medication, all with no progress. Finally, after 3 doctors and one surgeon, not to mention almost having major neck surgery that turns out would have been totally unnecessary, my last doctor finally found the problem in my shoulder not my neck. Turns out I have a nerve impingement in my shoulder as well as a couple bone spurs grinding on things. Finally a light at the end of the tunnel.

NOT!

The doctor referred me to an orthopedic surgeon once the problem was finally correctly diagnosed. The surgeon agreed to take over my case and the other doctor closed out my file on his end. I was told that when I needed a refill on my medication to call the surgeon and he would take care of it, which I did. So imagine my surprise when the surgeon denies my request because "He doesn't prescribe that for your type of injury", even though he knew full well beforehand what I was taking when he agreed to take over my full case. To make matters worse, I can't go back to the first doctor to have it filled because my case with him is now closed.

I am on 10mg Vicodin, a pretty decent narcotic from what I've been told. Perhaps I wouldn't have needed something so strong had the correct diagnosis been made 18 months ago, but as things have become progressively worse over that time the strength of drug has gone up with it. Personally I hate taking anything at all. I hate they way it makes me feel half the time, but I'll gladly take a little dizziness and fatigue over sharp stabbing pain all the time, as I am sure anyone would. But now I have this arrogant prick telling me I don't need something that strong? Who the fuck is this asshole, who has only met me once in person so far, to tell me what I do or do not need? Had he been in charge of my case all along perhaps he could make that kind of judgement, but not when he's only seen me once and managed my case for 3 weeks.

The Hypocratic Oath that all doctors take states right near the beginning that they shall do no harm. Well guess what, since he refused to fill the prescription and my old doctor stated that he can't, I have been so stressed out that things hurt worse than ever despite taking any of my dwindling supply of painkillers. Sure sounds like harm to me. I am so sick of doctors, bunch of arrogant pricks with dillusions of godhood for the most part, if you ask me, with the exception of my last doctor. I understand his position on not refilling my prescription and hold no ill will towards him. He's been the only one to stick with me all along until the correct diagnosis was made, and I can't fault him for not being able to help me now that surgeon took over the case.

So other than needing to vent here, I also want to offer everyone a word of advise. Be vary clear with your doctors about what you want to happen and what they plan to do. Don't assume they're going to do what you expect them to do.  Always advocate for yourselves, because if you don't nobody will.

~nuff said~

While I feel neither the need nor inclination to defend myself to people I don't know, I feel you should at least hear the truth. So for those of you who think you know whats going on, 1. I didn't leave, I was shut out for no reason. and 2. My attempts to be there are met with hate and nastiness and are rejected. Believe what you wish, my heart and conscience are clear and this will be my only response to all the rumor and accusation that is clearly designed to garner sympathy and attention for someone undeserving of it. ~nuff said~

Its been a very long time since I went on a rant. Enjoy :P

I hate what Fubar has become sometimes. Rate this, comment that, bomb me, blah blah fucking blah. I admit I get as caught up in the game as anyone else, but I at least have the decency to help others when they ask...until recently. Add my friend, they need demon family adds, ok I did that. Vote on my mumm, ok I did that. I rate, I fan, I do this, I do that, all because people ask and me being a nice guy I try to help.

So I need referals so I can level soon. I have have a great idea, I'll ask my "friends" to help. Shouldn't be a big deal after all the help I gave everyone. Guess how much help I got. Let's just say that if help was oxygen I'd have suffocated quickly.

So I hope you all forgive me if me future help is, shall we say, selective. There are those I help and do things for because I want to, not because it is asked for, but because they are important to me. And there are those that I help because they have found it in their heart to help me as well. Both lists are quite small.

As I read back over this I sound like an asshole, but ya know what, I don't care. I'm tired of being used. I bend over backwards sometimes for people I barely know because that's just the kind of person i am. Once in a while it'd be nice to be appreciated for that, but I won't be a constant "vending machine" for everyone that wants something and doesn't feel like giving back.

Ok, I'm going to stop here before I really start venting lol :P