Catalyst of Insanity TO Girl's blog: "randomness"

and thne i had nightmars they were differnt i was out by pool loong at te sky there were stars and i was talking to an old friend his lil brother called me he wanted me to rent a party bus but thye did a candy apple with a glass of whole milk and 2 cookies who wouldnt ant that he says right lol and i am looking in the sky my friend is rushing meofft he phone dosnt know italking to his bro and there is this huge plane flying low i saw a shooting star b4 and i jump up and down y do i keep seeing thme they dont give me my whishes and then the is this huge stream of light i thought waas abig star but its a plane in flames in the night sky amoung the starts i gose stright up for a sec my friend screems at me too run he says its gonna be a big slow burner and peaces of the plane all round us we feel the earth shake when it hits and all this heat wwe try to run to the pool but it has flames all round so we run for theh hills and thre is a li pond i am on fire so is he but only a lik i am numb and running for the water looking at the building thinking o my mom i need to get her out but i cant i am burning and i jump in the pound and run for the hills the phone rings and i still cant breath

so i been thru alot these days a lil hell and i am trying to be me again and its hard sometimes .. really hard i dont know i i just feel scard when iam along these days ... its like i feel a lil lost in everthing i know i can do things but i dont always let my self i glad the world is always wiling to bed for me i staring out he window of my pent house really wondering how i neded up here its my dads so what i am here he wasnmt ther when i was a younger at all never helped my mom its kinda like being in a differnt world realy i goneform a lil beach town to this cit y and i never really good how it fetl to stare out he window and just watch the whole world walking driving screaming by i see the ppl across the way having sexs that or killing each otherer o see so few of them with tehre lights on lol i kinda wonder who sees me ... not that that matters i just relized in being here theres so much more that i neverfelt like there was and that i could do more then i do i am in school i havnt been in school full tiem since i was 16 now i go to film school and i with all these insane rich kids and older ppl who done it all and r now doing ewhat they love its nice to do what u loe i wana do this forever

so i just been thinking i dont know how to forgive not my self and not others if u hurt me i will always rememember it and a lil bit of that amazing person u once were is gone if i hurt me a lil bit of my self washes away with the pain ... i fuck my self really bad i am right now as i write i pusnishing myuself rally in the worst ways i can and i dont know how to stop i wont even talk to ppl or take help or help my self i letting my self drown and i hate it i wont forgive my self i wont show mercy to my self i fuck my self for doign the wrong thing once and i love my slf each time i ruin things and sabiage things till there no longer possible sometiems i can over come this and fix it but i not even letting my self fix things

i wanna go jump in puddles ... and run and hide imn a lil cafe wher i used to life ... Ali is there and he be able to tell i was having a bad day he would listen to me make me latte or a white mocha then drive me home or just go for a drive by the beach and we would listen to the rain and talk we were best friends a world ago sex ruins that kinda thing but anyways he helped me last time maybne i should go say hi but he would be closed by the tiem i got here

i dont know whats up with me well i do but i dont care to share it but i feel sad today and i can share that in refections i just see my self spinning away form whati need i sit here in my castle really i am in the penthouse in the middle of a beautiful sitting starting out at the rain the shiny roads and the lights ans they go by thinking of those things that r leaving me bond in this sad way of mind i dont know i just ... i dont know i need a hug and music is giving me goose bumps

47 % 1 in 2 women wher i live are raped half the girls where i live half moreover of that 47% 60% will have it happen more then once with differnt ppl or the same its disturbing In BC, sexual assault is twice the national average: Almost 1 out of 2 women in British Columbia have been sexually assaulted (47%). (D. Kinnon, "Report on Sexual Assault in Canada," Canadian Advisory Council on the Status of Women, Ottawa, 1981

tormented in my dreams theres no escape for me no peace no safty it is with me always and follows me as its my shaddow my burrdon cross to bare the pain of witch u could never understand you dont know me ur not like me dont look at me dont u touch me and i am right there again naked again and i relive it all it dosnt go away there is no freedom form my demons toremneted in my dreams with no escape no peace i woke up and took the bottle till i realized it was all a dream but still no safty it follow close like a shaddow and leaves me in a box i am in a box can u see me the walls there there to keep me safe safe for u and safe form my self b/c iam scard to find the demon that is in me not in u but the curlty that is screamin to be unleashed

a moment when i am layin in low light i let my self cry b/c u understnd but tell me has rthe damage been done as my mind it self toremnets me to tell me not to lose my self i lay here crying but just one tear ur only aloud one u better make it good and u rememeber that u to feel u didnt become numb that day and what was the msg u can take everthing away form me but u cant take away my truth my me what makes me Sheila u can hurt me stip me rape me beat me but i am still my self even when i lay shattered even when i am broke every step that i take theres someone trying to change me every move that i make theres someone waiting to change me I am only this way because of what you have made me *it fills the room the music* ~ i read u know i think ur really pretty when u have ur clothes on <3~ and i hear and i'm not gonna break i jump up u can push me out the window i'll just get back up u can run me over with ur 18 wheeler and i wont give i wont give up up i understnad what my tormented dreams were telling me as the demon burns inside me trys to take me over u know it wont hurt its not like u will be gone u will just not be the one in control the demon of my night mares tells me but in the dream i choose to kill my self b4 becomeing like them i dont wanna be mean i dont wanna be hurtful i dont wanna lose my self i wont lose my self over this i wont and no one can make me be anything but my self no act can twisted me into something like that nothing i have had enuff i have i love my self u can hate me and it dosnt matter cuz i dont wanna hate u cuz u hate me i dont wanna be mean b/c i am hurting and u hurt me and add to my pain i am not an animal that lashes at u cuz i am close to death my heart may be broken and my body used but i am not close to death u can make me do anything but u cant change that i dont hate u no matter what u do to me i dont hate u i'm not that way i not bitter and twisted i'm not and i wont hurt u cuz u hurt me

Only me i sware it lol ... so guess who got stuck, in handcuffs 2night one thing reather interesting 2 hand cuff keeys may look the same but act vary differnt see i have cuffs both with and with out safty and dispite they both have the same looking key they dont mix well lol ... i was taking a few pics 2 night and who else would get them selfs stuck half naked in hands cuffs :p i sure its just a me thing thank god a friend came to save me

so i feel lightly in that frame of mind. the faccts r i seem to be putting off everthing that matters and i dont know y mind u i do know y pretty big horble thing that happend yet 8i dont hacve to to feel for it i dont yet its inpossible to ignor and just put on some days