Over 16,529,666 people are on fubar.
What are you waiting for?

crystalpeacebear's blog: "random"

created on 05/16/2007  |  http://fubar.com/random/b83185

funny

The famous Olympic skier Picabo Street (pronounced "PEEK A BOO" ) is not just an athlete, she is a nurse. She currently works at the Intensive Care Unit of a large metropolitan hospital. She is not permitted to answer the telephone, however, as it caused simply too much confusion when she would answer the phone and say: Picabo, ICU. I knew a blonde that was so stupid that... She called me to get my phone number. She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate." She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind. She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order. She sent me a fax with a stamp on it. She tried to drown a fish. She thought a quarterback was a refund. She got locked in a grocery store and starved to death. She tripped over a cordless phone. She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept. She asked for a price check at the Dollar Store. She studied for a blood test. She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats. When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved. When she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead. When she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left" she turned around and went home.
Have you ever thought about: Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll just squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out? Who was the first person to say "See that chicken there...I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes out of its ass." Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp which no decent human being would eat? Why is there a light in the fridge but not in the freezer? If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him? Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane? If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat? Why do people point at their wrist when asking the time, but don't point at their crouch when they ask where the bathroom is? Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway? Why does Goofy stand erect and Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs! If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner? If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests? If corn oil is made from corn and vegetable oil is made from vegetable, what is baby oil made from? If electricity comes from electrons does morality come from morons? Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse? Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune? Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your ass? Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he get mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window? Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster? Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place? Ever wonder why ABCDEF are used to define bra sizes? A - Almost B - Better C - Cute D - Damn good E - Enormous F - Fake

time

TIME GETS BETTER WITH AGE I learned that I like my teacher because she cries when we sing "Silent Night". Age 5 I learned that our dog doesn't want to eat my broccoli either. Age 7 I learned that when I wave to people in the country , they stop what they are doing and wave back. Age 9 I learned that just when I get my room the way I like it, Mom makes me clean it up again. Age 12 I learned that if you want to cheer yourself up, you should try cheering someone else up. Age 14 I learned that although it's hard to admit it, I'm secretly glad my parents are strict with me. Age 15 I learned that silent company is often more healing than words of advice.. Age 24 I learned that brushing my child's hair is one of life's great pleasures. Age 26 I learned that wherever I go, the world's worst drivers have followed me there. Age 29 I learned that if someone says something unkind about me, I must live so that no one will believe it. Age 30 I learned that there are people who love you dearly but just don't know how to show it. Age 42 I learned that you can make some one's day by simply sending them a little note. Age 44 I learned that the greater a person's sense of guilt, the greater his or her need to cast blame on others. Age 46 I learned that children and grandparents are natural allies. Age 47 I learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow. Age 48 I learned that singing "Amazing Grace" can lift my spirits for hours. Age 49 I learned that motel mattresses are better on the side away from the phone. Age 50 I learned that you can tell a lot about a man by the way he handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights. Age 51 I learned that keeping a vegetable garden is worth a medicine cabinet full of pills. Age 52 I learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you miss them terribly after they die. Age 53 I learned that making a living is not the same thing as making a life . Age 58 I learned that if you want to do something positive for your children, work to improve your marriage. Age 61 I learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance. Age 62 I learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catchers mitt on both hands. You need to be able to throw something back. Age 64 I learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude you. But if you focus on your family, the needs of others, your work, meeting new people, and doing the very best you can, happiness will find you . Age 65 I learned that whenever I decide something with kindness, I usually make the right decision. Age 66 I learned that everyone can use a prayer. Age 72 I learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one. Age 82 I learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love that human touch-holding hands, a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back. Age 90 I learned that I still have a lot to learn. Age 92 I learned that you should pass this on to someone you care about. Sometimes they just need a little something to make them smile.

signs

Signs Found In Kitchens 1. A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen and this kitchen is delirious. 2. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes. 3. A husband is someone who takes out the trash and gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house. 4. If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast, and cheap. 5. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand. 6. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator. 7. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused. 8. A clean house is a sign of a misspent life. 9. Help keep the kitchen clean - eat out. 10. Housework done properly can kill you. 11. Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives. 12. My next house will have no kitchen --- just vending machines.

robbery

BANK ROBBERY..... Two lawyers are in a bank, when, suddenly, armed robbers burst in. While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the lawyers, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc. While this is going on lawyer number one jams something in lawyer number two's hand. Without looking down, lawyer number two whispers, "What is this?" to which lawyer number one replies, "It's that $500 I owe you."
A LETTER FROM A COLLEGE STUDENT The parents of a Northwestern student who just headed back from holiday received this letter: Dear Mom and Dad: Univer$ity life i$ $o wonderful! Cla$$e$ this $e$$ion are intere$ting, my cla$$mate$ are the be$t! But after $pending all my ca$h on Chri$tma$ pre$ent$, I am in a little need for $ome $pending money for book$ and $uch. But don't want to $end the wrong $ignal$ home. Love Your $on After deliberating a while, this was the draft of their appropriate response: Dear Son: NOt much to NOtice here on the NOrth side of town since you left for NOrthwestern. NObody doing NOthing Noble. Enjoyed having you home for Thanksgiving in NOvember and Christmas. NOthing is the same since you left. Loved your NOte; write aNOther one when you have time.We think EcoNOmics and TrigNOmetry are suifficient to keep a graduate student busy. Have to go NOw. Mom & Dad
What car names really stand for... AUDI Always Unsafe Designs Implemented BMW Big Money Works Bought My Wife Brutal Money Waster Bimbette Motor Weapon Break My Window BUICK Big Ugly Indestructible Car Killer CHEVROLET Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time Cheap Heap, Every Valve Rattles, Oil Leaks Every Time Condition Hopeless, Entire Vehicle Relies On Leftover Engine Technology DODGE Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere Dem Old Dudes Go Everywhere Dead or Dying Gas Eater Dear Old Dad's Geriatric Express FIAT Failure in Italian Automotive Technology Fix It All the Time Fix it again, Tony! FORD First On Recall Day First On Race Day First On Rust and Deterioration Fix Or Repair Daily Found On Road, Dead Fault Of R &; D Fast Only Rolling Downhill Features O.J. and Ron's DNA Found On Russian Dump GM General Maintenance Great Mistake GMC Garage Man's Companion Got A Mechanic Coming? HONDA Had One Never Did Again HYUNDAI Hope You Understand Nothing's Drivable And Inexpensive... MAZDA Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along OLDSMOBILE Old Ladies Driving Slowly Make Others Behind Infuriatingly Late Everywhere Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick's Irregular Leftover Equipment PINTO Put in new transmission often PONTIAC Poor old Neanderthal thinks its a Cadillac SAAB Send Another Automobile Back Swedish Automobiles Always Breakdown Sorry Assed Auto Builders TOYOTA Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto VOLVO Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object Vehicles Of Low Velocity Owners VW Virtually Worthless

jack and jill(funny)

Jack and Jill went up the hill... Any hurt caused to the childhood sentiments of anybody is purely unintentional. Jack and Jill Went up the hill, And planned to do some kissing. Jack made a pass and grabbed her ass, And now two of his front teeth are missing. Jack and Jill Went up the hill, Each one had a quarter. Jill came down with fifty cents, Do you think they went for water? Jack and Jill went up the hill, For just an itty bitty. Jill is now two months overdue, And Jack has left the city. Jack and Jill went up the hill, To fetch a pail of water. Jill forgot to take the pill, So now they've got a daughter. Jack and Jill went up the hill, With a little peg of brandy. Jack got stewed, Jill got screwed, Now it's Jack and Jill, and Sandy.
last post
16 years ago
posts
8
views
1,597
can view
everyone
can comment
everyone
atom/rss

other blogs by this author

 16 years ago
simpsons
 16 years ago
family guy
official fubar blogs
 8 years ago
fubar news by babyjesus  
 13 years ago
fubar.com ideas! by babyjesus  
 10 years ago
fubar'd Official Wishli... by SCRAPPER  
 11 years ago
Word of Esix by esixfiddy  

discover blogs on fubar

blog.php' rendered in 0.0632 seconds on machine '189'.