homer simpson lines
Classic Lines from Homer Simpson
"I think Smithers picked me because of my motivational skills. Everyone says they have to work a lot harder when I'm around."
Bart: That's a hitch-hiker, Homer.
Homer: Ooh, let's pick him up!
Marge: No! What if he's crazy?
Homer: And what if he's not? Then we'd look like idiots.
"I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to speed around a city, keeping its speed over fifty, and if it's speed dropped, it would explode! I think it was called 'The Bus that Couldn't Slow Down.'"
"Stealing? How could you?! Haven't you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain what's-his-name? We live in a society of laws. Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well, I didn't hear anybody laughing, did you?"
[Homer wrecks his car and has to explain it to the insurance guy.]
Insurance Guy: O.K, now before I give you the check, I have just one more question. That place Moe's you were coming back from, that is a business of some sort..
Homer's Brain: Don't say you were at a bar. Don't say you were at a bar. But what else is open that late at night?
Homer: I was at a pornography store, I was buying pornography.
Homer's Brain: Hehe, I would have never thought of that.
Marge: Homer, is this the way you pictured married life?
Homer: Yup, pretty much. Except we drove around in a van solving mysteries.
"I've figured out an alternative to giving up my beer. Basically, we become a family of travelling acrobats."
Faith: Lisa, I'm Faith Crowley, Patriotism Editor of Reading Digest.
Homer: Oh, I love your magazine. My favourite section is "How to increase your word power." That thing is really, really...good.
"Boy, when Marge first told me she was going to the Police Academy, I thought it would be fun and exciting, you know, like the movie Spaceballs. But instead, it's been painful and disturbing, like the movie Police Academy."
Lisa: Aunt Selma, this may be presumptuous, but have you ever considered artificial insemination?
Homer: Boy, I don't know. You gotta be pretty desperate to make it with a robot.
"You never know when an old calendar might come in handy! Sure, it's not 1985 right now, but who knows what tomorrow will bring?"
Marge: What happened to you, Homer? And what happened to the car?
Marge: I don't think it had broken axles before.
Homer: Before, before! You're livin' in the past, Marge. Quit livin' in the past!
"Your mother seems really upset. I better go have a talk with her...during the commercial."
"Now, son, you don't want to drink beer. That's for daddies, and kids with fake I.D.s."
Marge: Oh, that sounds fabulous, Homer. Stores throw the best parties.
Homer: You like parties huh? Well, I just remembered they're having a big one down at the waterfront this weekend.
Marge: You didn't remember that. You just saw it on TV.
Homer: The important thing is I didn't imagine it.
"Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get."
"Come here, Apu. If it'll make you feel any better, I've learned that life is one crushing defeat after another until you just wish Flanders was dead."
"Marge, don't discourage the boy. Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals … except the weasel."
"A hundred bucks for a comic book? Who drew it, Michaelmelangelo?"
"You couldn't fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if you had an electrified fooling machine."
"It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to squeeze in 8 hours of TV a day."
Bart: Dad, you killed the zombie Flanders!
Homer: He was a zombie?
"Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen."
Reporter: Don't you think it's dangerous to send civilians into space?
Homer: I'll handle this... the only danger in space is if we land on the terrible Planet of the Apes... wait a minute... Statue of Liberty... that was our planet! You maniacs! You blew it up! Damn you! Damn you all to hell!
"Homer Simpson is not the kind of man that apologizes, I'm sorry that's just the way I am."
"Marge, quick, how many kids do we have have? No time, I'll just estimate. 9!"
"You suck-diddly-uck, Flanders!"
Homer: No beer and no TV make Homer something something.
Marge: Go crazy?
Homer: Don't mind if I do! WHARGHLULULU WHUR LALULUBRGLUBLU HAHUHAHU WOODWOOD HALULAOGH!
Art lady: It's called 'outsider art.' It could be done by a mental patient, a hillbilly... or a chimpanzee.
Homer: Hey! In high school, I was voted most likely to BE a mental patient, a hillbilly, or a chimpanzee!
"Oh, used grease is worth money eh? Then my arteries are filled with liquid gold!"
"What are you gonna do? Release the dogs?! Or the bees?! Or dogs with bees in their mouth so that when they bark they shoot bees at you?"
Marge: Homer! Stop! you'll kill us all!
Homer: Or die trying!
"I'm normally not a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me Superman!"
Lisa: Dad! You can't just leave us by ourselves, we need a babysitter!
Homer: Lisa, haven't you seen Home Alone? If some burglars come it'll be a hilarious situation."
"Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like ... love!"
"Marge, I'm not gonna lie to you... see ya!"
Homer: Now, what do you have to wash that awful taste out of my mouth?
Vendor: We have crab juice and Mountain Dew.
Homer: EWWWWWWWWWW....I'll have the crab juice!
"I am so smart! I am so smart! S-M-R-T! I mean, S-M-A-R-T!"
"To alcohol ... the cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems!"
"We're goin to Moe's. If we're not back, avenge our deaths."
"I like my beer cold, my TV loud, and my homosexuals flaaaming."
Homer: But we love Bart and Lisa!
Judge: And Margaret?
Homer: Margaret? Lady you got the wrong file ...
Marge [Whispering]: She means Maggie.
Homer: Oh yeah, I don't have anything against her.
Lisa: 'Tis better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.
Homer's Brain: What does that mean? Better say something or they'll think you're stupid.
Homer: Takes one to know one.
Homer's Brain: Swish!
"Lets just plop them in front of the TV. I was raised in front of the TV and I turned out TV."
"Oh, so they have internet on computers now!"
Principal Skinner [thinking]: "Bart, I know you skipped school. And when I prove it, your ass is mine. That's right: I think things I would never say."
Homer [thinking]: "I know you can read my thoughts boy... meow meow meow meow meow meow meow."
Homer: I will give up the civil war recreation society I so dearly love.
Bart: And I will take up smoking and give that up!
Homer: Good for you, son. Smoking is one of the hardest things to quit. Here's a dollar.
Lisa: But he didn't DO anything!
Homer: Didn't he Lisa? Didn't he? [thinks a second] Hey wait, he didn't!
[Snatches the dollar back from Bart]
"Excuse me Doctor, I think I now a little something about medicine."
"Good things don't end in 'eum,' they end in 'mania' or 'teria.'"
"Lisa, vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and eskimos."
"Carnies built this country...the carnival part of it anyway."
Bart: Homer, are you licking toads?
Homer: I'm not NOT licking toads.
"Marge, it's 3 AM. Shouldn't you be cooking or something?"
"Don't let Krusty's death get you down boy. People die all the time, just like that [Snaps fingers]. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow! Well, good night."
"Do you want the job done right, or do you want it done fast?"
"I won't lie to you, fatherhood isn't easy like motherhood."
"Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you."
Bart: Mo-om! My slingshot doesn't fit in these pockets. And these shorts leave nothing to the imagination. These uniforms suck.
Marge: Bart, where do you pick up words like that?
Homer [on the phone]: Yeah, Moe, that team sure did suck last night! That just plain sucked! I've seen teams suck before, but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked!
Homer: Gotta go, my damn wiener kids are listening.
"Herman, how could you? We've all thought about counterfeiting jeans at one time or another, but what about the victims? Hard-working designers, like Calvin Klein, Gloria Vanderbilt, or Antoine Bugle Boy. These are the people who saw an overcrowded marketplace and said, "Me, too!""
"Marge, you being a cop makes you the man! Which makes me the woman, and I have no interest in that besides wearing the underwear, which, as we discussed, is strictly a comfort thing."
"All right, let's not panic. I'll get the money back by selling one of my livers. I can get by with one."
Lisa: Dad, I think he's an ivory dealer. His boots are ivory, his hat is ivory, and I'm pretty sure that cheque is ivory.
Homer: Lisa, a guy who's got lots of ivory is less likely to hurt Stampy than a guy whose ivory supplies are low.
Lisa: Nobody listens to you when you're a kid.
Grandpa Simpson: Nobody listens to you when you're old.
Homer: I'm a white male, 18 to 49. Everyone listens to me!
"You tried your best son, and you failed miserably. The moral is, never try."
"Marge, I'm goin' to Moe's. Send the kids to the neighbours. I'm comin' back loaded."
"Can you believe Flanders threw out a perfectly good toothbrush?"
Marge: How was your day at work, dear?
Homer: Oh, the usual. Stand in front of this, open that, pull down this, bend over, spread apart that, turn your head that way, cough
"Why did this have to happen during primetime, when TV's brightest stars come out to shine?"
"If something's hard to do, then it's not worth doing."
Homer: Aw, twenty dollars. I wanted a peanut.
Homer's Brain: Twenty dollars can buy many peanuts!
Homer: Explain how!
Homer's Brain: Money can be exchanged for goods and services.
Lisa [sarcastically]: There they are, the world's wonders.
Homer: Wonders, Lisa, or blunders?
Lisa: Dad, I think that was implied.
Homer: Implied, Lisa, or implode?
Billy Corgan: Billy Corgan, Smashing Pumpkins.
Homer: Homer Simpson, smiling politely.
Bart: You know, Grampa kinda smells like that trunk in the garage where the bottom's all wet.
Lisa: Nuh-uh, he smells more like a photo lab.
Homer: Stop it, both of you! Grampa smells like a regular old man, which is more like a hallway in a hospital.
Marge: Have you notice something strange about Bart lately?
Homer: New glasses?
Marge: She's been acting very unusual.
Homer: He probably misses his old glasses.
Marge: I could ask, but then I'd be accused of smothering him.
Homer: Yeah, and then we'd get the chair.
Marge: That's not what I meant, Homer.
Homer: It was Marge, admit it.
Homer: Kids, Kids! I'm not gonna die! That only happens to bad people!
Bart: What about Abraham Lincoln?
Homer: Err...He sold poisoned milk to school children!
"Marge! Look at all this great stuff I found at the Marina. It was just sitting in some guy's boat!"
Homer: So Lisa, you're not going to eat any meat anymore, not even bacon?
Homer: Pork chops?
Lisa: Dad, those all come from the same animal!
Homer [condescending]: Sure, Lisa. A special magical animal from fairy land!
Lisa: Dad, we did something very BAD!
Homer: Did you wreck the car?
Homer: Did you raise the dead?
Homer: But the car's OK?
Bart & Lisa: Uh-huh.
Homer: Alright then.
"Hello? Operator! Give me the number for 911!"
Homer (looking up at the living room ceiling): Why do you mock me, lord?!
Marge: That's not God, that's a waffle that Bart threw on the ceiling.
Homer: I know it's wrong to eat thee...[eats waffle]. Mmmm... sacrelicious!
[Homer is talking to a lady from Big Buddies]
Lady: So why do you want to become a Big Buddy?
Homer's Brain: Don't say revenge! Don't say revenge!
Homer: Umm, revenge.
Homer's Brain: That's it, I'm outta here [Sound of chair scraping on floor, footsteps, and door opening and closing].
"If the Bible has taught us nothing else, and it hasn't, its that girls should stick to girl's sports, such as hot oil wrestling, foxy boxing and such and such..."
Lisa [dressed up as Florida]: I'm not a state, I'm a monster!
Homer: No Lisa, the only monster here is the gambling monster that has enslaved your mother. I call him Gamblor! And I must free her from his evil neon claws!
[In the episode where George Bush moves in next door... Santa's Little Helper is chasing the Bushes down the street.]
Homer: Looks like he's barking up the wrong Bush! Heh heh!
Homer's Brain: Good job Homer, the cleverest thing you'll ever say and no one was around to hear it.
Marge: We don't think you're slow, but on the other hand it's not like you go to museums or read books or anything.
Homer: It's not that I don't want to, It's those TV networks Marge they won't let me. One quality show after another each one fresher and more brilliant than the last. If they only stumbled once, just gave us thirty minutes to ourselves. But they won't , they won't let me live...[Cries like a baby] Oh who am I kidding, I am slow.
Marge: Oh Homey, if you feel so bad about yourself there's always things you can do to make you feel better.
Homer: Like take another bath in malt liquor?
Marge: There's that, or you can take an adult education course.
Homer: Oh, and how is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home wine making course and I forgot how to drive?
Marge: That's because you were drunk!
Homer [contentedly]: And how!