TwIsTeD's blog: "Random Thoughts of a TwIsTeD Mind"

KIDS... evil demons or evil aliens? Either way, not the angels that people portray them to be. I mean how many angels do you know that are so evil that they hide the tv remote?! Hellions! They're like computer viruses...they sneak in as cute cuddly little heaven sent bundles of love. But, then they get older, and realize that they have supernatural powers! Beware of these creatures!! they'll start off as being innocent, but then, when you least expect it...THEY SCREAM AND YELL IN A VOICE THAT WOULD MAKE A BANSHEE TURN TAIL AND RUN!!!! Cats don't make very good bookends. They tend to run when you try to plaster them. it's even worse if you take them to get bronzed. They don't seem to like it. I need a customized license. Not for my car though. I'm thinking I should get one for my dog. It would say something like I8ITAL. That bastard will put away some food. Which brings me back to children. (see, all things are relative.) Kids use up everything!! I mean, you go to the store to buy food and what do they do? THEY EAT IT! I mean come on!! What's the point in buyng food? Why should I use my hard earned money to buy things like food, toilet paper, soap? Lita Ford is hot. Always has been. I'm thirsty. I think I'm gonna start a rock farm. What kind of fertilizer should I use? Should I water them daily? Twice a day? I want a pet jellyfish. Mmm...jelly. I like jelly.

I was unhappy with my last blog. That's a wierd word...blog. Sounds like a beer belch...BBLLLLOOOOOGGGG!!!!! I really get aggrivated with people. Always try to talk to you when you are busy with other, more important things. A phone call here, an IM there...here a ring there a buzz...everywhere a ring buzz!! Wait...where was I? ummm.... shit. Fuck it, I want sushi.

I'm hungry. I hate it when I get hungry. I'm running out of kittens and puppies. I wanna go to India and eat a hamburger. But only if it's shaved, I hate hair. If this dog doesn't quit looking at me, he's next! I don't like ice in my drinks, especially water. It dilutes it too much. Can't wait for Santa to come for christmas, I need target practice. I'm probably going to hell for that one. Shit, if God reads ANY of my blogs, I'm going to hell for sure. People say I'm a sick, perverted, corrupt, asshole. I LOVE YOU TOO MOM!!!! What can I say? I like to fuck with people. But only if they can provide a current blood test result. And they have to agree not to blame me if they have a baby. I want a naked picture of Bea Aurther.

Pepsi and Coke do NOT taste alike! That's like comparing BMW to Yugo! Pepsi tastes like the hind end of a chimpanzee after...well, you get the idea. And besides, what do elephants and penguins have in common anyway? Except that they both taste like mongoose, only not as stringy. Speaking of black being my favorite color, I get really upset at how some people have the audacity to degrade the military! Tell you what, YOU join and then I'll say nothing of your stupid rants, you simple, arrogant, misinformed and ignorant pricks!! You know who you are! And be glad that I don't know who you are, or I would come to your house, knock down your door, and lick your cat!! Because I AM a sexy beast! And that is all anyone needs to know about the way the stars rotate around the planet Earth (in a counter-clockwise direction, by the way).

I hate the cold! When the temperature gets below seventy-five degrees it's time to head my happy ass south!!! Which is why I don't understand why women always bitch about toilet seats! Why should they get to be the lazy ones? Why do I have to go out of MY way to put down a toilet seat? It's like Wal-mart!! They have everything, YET THEY HAVE NOTHING!!!! There is an entire section set asside for croceries!!! IS IT A DEPARTMENT STORE OR A FRIGGIN GROCERY STORE?!?! Or perhaps it's an auto shop with a conplimentary department and grocery store? MAKE UP YOUR MIND BILL CLINTON!!!! If you didn't inhale, you didn't try weed!!! And I'm sure that the President of the United States of America can find a better looking woman than MONICA!!!!! WHAT THE FUCK? over.

There I was, knee deep in hand grenade pins. Charley was all around me, movin' in fast! All I had was a broken rifle and a P38 to protect me (for all you civilian types, a P38 is an Army issue can opener). I had to improvise... I still have nightmares about that poor monkey...

WARNING!!!! NOT FOR THE MENTALLY ILL!! MAY CONTAIN HARSH LANGUAGE AND REALLY BAD IDEAS THAT YOU SHOULD NOT TRY AT HOME, LIKE SKINNING CATS WITH YOUR TEETH AND BLOWING AIR UP A DOBERMAN'S ASS WITH A HAIR DRYER. If you have read my Chronicles before then it may already be too late for you. I apologize for the lateness of this disclaimer. Although it is better late than never, I feel as though I should have warned people sooner about "Random thoughts from a TwIsTeD mind". If you are a mentally ill individual, as most of my derelict friends are (you are all sick people that are more than likely beyond any help, I love you all), then it is probably NOT a good idea for you to read these articles as they could worsen the situation. Of course it has GOT to be funny as hell when you talk to your shrinks! If you could put it on video I'd love to get a copy. Also, if you are in perfect mental health, then PLEASE STOP NOW BEFORE ANY DAMAGE IS DONE!!! Of course there are those of whose mental status has been affected by my rantings, some for the worse (I can't forget about the woman I love), some for the gooder. For those who now suffer from labity due to my own personal labity, you are welcome. Oh, wait, I mean, damn that sucks.