As everyone knows I have been on a journey to find answers to things that haunt me every turn I make. Some of you know my brother Russel died in '96, well next month makes it 10 yrs and I'm still trying to understand why did it have to happen. I have been talking to some people who knew him and have dealt with the same problem. I have been thinking that I just missed him. I now realize I am just so damn angry at him for leaving us. I know he didn't choose to do it but in a way he did. He had some real bad habits, some of you know but others don't but let's rehash this for hopefully will be the last time. Russ had a drug addiction, he would have sold his own mother to satisfy that habit. I understand that now. But why didn't he come to me and ask for help? I know a few people who joke with me and call me Super Jacki cause I'm always trying to save someone or help this person and that person. I would probably give an arm to help someone. I've always been that way but more so since he died. I felt it was my responsiblity to stop his problem but now I know only he could have stopped it. I couldn't have done anything but stand back and watch. I have been blaming me when it was him that was at fault. Please don't get me wrong I Love Him still with all my heart but why couldn't he stop it. Maybe it's because he was so tortured because of his past. Maybe it was because he didn't mean to get addicted. I'll never know!!!!! I cry and ask him all the time why did you do this. Maybe he couldn't help it. I'm so damn mad I can't stand it. It's funny how it has taken me all this time to realize it wasn't just missing him that was hurting me it was I am mad. Did I not want to accept that???? Maybe it's I've been searching all this time and just realized the true problem. I'm pissed off!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I almost hate him for this. I have for all these years tortured myself because I should have been the one to die not him I was ready, I'm the older one I should have taken first, and I should have been able to save him even if it was from himself. Can you believe that I was more than willing to give my life just to somehow save him? I guess when you love someone you're willing to give anything of yourself to take care of them and make them safe. Fucked up theroy but that was my thoughts on it. Noone has any idea how I think. My thought process is all messed up, they say it's because of the bipolar that I don't process information differently. Ok well maybe that is true but that was my thoughts on it. I know it's fucked up!!! Anyhow Thanks for reading this. Now that's a full look in my head. Love Ya'll <3
