My Angels
Here I am again to pour my heart out and try to, in my way, to deal with things in my mind and heart that I may never fully come to terms with. I've always been told in therapy I should keep a diary so I can put everything on paper. I think this is better because maybe along the way someone may understand why I am the way I am. I hope that everyone will see that my family is very important to me. Ok now it's coming out so everyone can read. My family has always been I guess you could say very disfuntional, that's putting it mildly. I am the only child between my Mom and Dad. There are 3 that are older than me but I have no clue who or where they are, my Dad always got around. I have to say he was a ladies man. Very good looking man. Unfortunately he wasn't really that big of a part of my life, but I did spend some time with him. After my parents split when I was 2 they both had other children, my Mom had 2 more and my Dad had 8 more. ( I always joked with him he should have kept it in his pants). Ok now that that part is over, lets get to the subject at hand. MY MOMImageMy Mom remarried after my Dad and they had my brother Charlie and my sister Cheryl. From the age of 9 I was the one responsible for taking care of them. My routine was go to school, come home do what was on my list, fix dinner, have kids do homework, and when everything else was taken care of then I did my homework. I was the mother because as my Mom put it she was busy being someone she wasn't. I gave her the chance to go out and have fun. Yes I have talked to her about all of this so many years ago and for the first time I remember my mother cried and told me that she loved me, she was drinking at the time. There has been maybe 3 times that I remember her saying that. Still to this day when I tell her I love you she says "Yeah ok ". I know from what I have been told that my Mom had a rough life. I have also learned you learn what you live. My Mom chose what I wore and what I did at all times. I didn't have friends that came to the house when I grew up, my friends were my brother and sister. I was always afraid of my Mom, she controlled everything in my life. The only time I got to be a real kid was when I would have my Dad come and get me so I could live with him. That would never last long because he would have a nervous breakdown so back I would have to go back to her. I didn't want to go back 'cause with my Dad I was told and showed more love than I did with HER. My Mom never hurt me physically but the lack of emotion did scar me. I have always looked for the love that I so needed and wanted. When I was around 15 things did get to be alittle different between her and I, I now was the friend she could take with her to the bars to dance with and as time went by I then was allowed to drink and smoke, I guess to make it seem more like I belonged there. Hell I was drinking by then anyhow so this was a treat for me cause she was allowing me to. I guess in her way she was trying to be closer with me or it was she just wanted to try to be have a friend with her. I'll never really know now. I have seen my Mom control everything I did to letting me do what I wanted but just because it helped her feel she was paying attention to me. I have no clue. I, of course, did everything I could to try to make her happy, I think I would have cut my own throat if that's what it took to get her to just say I Love You. I tried so hard to be a good student thinking she would be proud. When I graduated with honors in business I was hoping that would do it. The day of my graduation she was more worried about if her friends would have a place next to her to sit. I realize this all may be just in my head but that's how I grew up seeing it. Even now when I give her a hug and tell her that I love her, I get the "Yeah Ok" You probably think I'm lying but I have stood there and heard her talk to her brother and tell him she loved him. Now that was a blow to the heart, she can't say it to me but she can to him. My Mom is 58 and I'm losing her and can't go into this with her again because she can't remember in her past. I'm trying to spend time with her now but it's hard 'cause I can't say what is on my mind to work it out with her. She has altzhiemers so not long from now she won't be able to remember me. She has been the biggest force in my life and I am gonna miss her very much. It's always been a love hate relationship, but all in all I Love her with all that is in me. I wouldn't want to go through with her again what I have but I cherish the good times, as few and far between they have been. So there is the biggest part of my life's story maybe you can understand me. The one person I crave love frome the most, I have never gotten in the way I needed. I never will from her. She's goin to be the most important Angel for me. She is also the biggest demon for me, you may not understand that but that's how I feel. Thanks for taking the time. Love You All <3
