My Angels
As some of you know I have been dealing with alot of demons as some would call them, or even ghosts if you may. Part 1 of this covered most of the demons in me. Now I have to confront the biggest ones for me. As I said in the first part that my brother Russ is a big part of me 'cause I know he's with me everyday. He knows that I would have rather of given my life to save his. I realize that was not an option because in a way he is more at peace where he is now than he was here with us. Now that I have gotten that out in the open, here comes the hardest parts for me. Please understand I'm not blaming anyone for the things in my head it's just me and the way I do or have seen events.
I'm not even sure how to start this so that anyone can understand. But here we go. I got pregnant with my oldest daughter when I was 17, now of course I was scared to death. I graduated and got married and somewhere along the line everything went wrong. After a few years of this my marriage was over. I was on my own for the first time, working part time trying to make it. I came to feel I couldn't take care of my girl the way I felt she should be taken care of. I made a call to her father's parents and asked if she could live with them for awhile until I could get on my feet better, needless to say I didn't ever get to get her back with me. As the time went by I was dating someone and got pregnant again, I had another girl and I decided to give her up for adoption because the father did the split act when he found out. I held it in and said not alot to anyone. By now I am sure there some of you saying what a bitch, can have 'em but won't take care of them. I have to accept that either way. As I see it "He hath not sined cast the first stone" sorry if I say it the wrong way but I usually do things alittled off center. So now that's 2 children I had and neither are with me. I then get married again (dumbass me ). After the first year that's when I started getting physically abused pretty much daily. Naturally I think if we had a child things will get better, He'll be happy with me then and things will get better. It didn't take us long to have my son. Oh I thought this will fix things, common mistake for victims. In my mind in a way I thought I deserved the abuse for what I had done concerning my girls. Not long after my son was born the abuse began again, I didn't realize at the time I had gotten pregnant again during this time but lost the baby at 3 monthes because of the abuse. I finally had reached the point when I couldn't take it anymore. I had a good job by now working at a hospital with people that took me under their wings and helped me. The last time I was physically abused was December 30, 1994. I went through a 2 3/4 year custody battle in which I won Thank God. I then became involved with a man during this time and he was really not what I needed but he was good to me and my son. As time went on I realized he was an alcoholic and "smoked" more than his share. I had no intentions of marrying this man but things don't work out the way we think. As I stated before when my brother passed away I didn't handle things well. My family and others had it in their minds this man was the best thing for me lol. Don't ever trust gut feelings of other people. I was walked through getting married again. Dear God she should be shot for being so stupid. So how's my score so far- 3 children, 2 not with me and 3 marriages. I then have another relationship I'm not gonna go into that right now. My job is going great I have my son. Then somewhere along the line I'm finally allowed to see my oldest daughter, major conflicts in that situation. I'm thinking damn I made it through the hard times. In time I would find the past was just something that was gonna haunt me for the rest of my life. I am again on my own and yes I thought that would be the end of me, almost was. I had gotten very sick because of the bipolar and all the stress I was dealing with. You know it's funny when you think you're some hardass and you can handle anything and everyone when the one person that can destroy you is YOU. So my little angel was lost because of abuse, I deal with that. So here is the bitter truth I deal with. If things had been different in my past then maybe just maybe I wouldn't have lost the most recent little Angel. Isn't strange how just the stupidest mistakes in your life can effect others even today. The next part is going to be about the one person that has made the biggest impact on my life and I'm losing them more everyday. They will be the most important Angel yet. I'm not sure when she will leave me but she is the biggest ghost or demon for me. She being my Mom, she has always been the most dominating force in my life. She has altzhiemers. She's only 58 and she is leaving me or should I say us because there others in the family but to me she is THE person who I have loved and hated all my life.
