Sweet Southern Masochist's blog: "Poetry by Muah"

I have all these little pieces of you
And when put together
I still don't see the use.

I remember
December
(An every present theme
You read).
All over again...
Just how much it stung
Then
To be hung
By love,
(A word I attempt
To speak not of);
Overflowing with contempt.

So often
Am I forgotten.
It just isn't the same
When the only worth one carries
Is sewn to your name.

Look at all we've lost
Was it as valuable as the cost?
Did you receive payment?
Because I didn't.
(Staring up at you from the pavement).

If my mind's so strong
How come
I've been trapped in
Between
(With no means
Of returning)
For this long?
I'm beautiful.
I'm intelligent.
I'm open-minded.
But It won't
Show
Without
The will to find it.
(Shrouded in self doubt).

You try
To classify
An enigma
In itself
As if it were
Someone else
Other than myself
(Whatever that is).

Nothing can truly
Be
Described.
No heart can honestly
Be
Revived.

Yet you talk as though
We're in a sideshow,
Like I'm a regular in your mind
Or the sun in your eyes.

I really hope you save your tears
Because it's as useless
As crying
(Trying)
To remain here.

I would tell you just how
Empty I am
Only
To find
You're blind
And
Can't
Possibly
Understand.

I'm telling myself I am nothing
This time
(But I'm
Feeling fine).
I've gathered dirt
And covered the hurt
Your words paint for me
(Memories)
I recollect
The need to protect
And respect
What it is I still have left
(Nothing but an awkward silence)
Swimming between my ears
Snapshots of our years
Filling the frames
(Tilted)
And in disarray.

I
Am
Can't
Never
Come....
Looking....


Back

I'm just the whore
Your
Looking for
To fuck your mind.
(Metal against bone)
Stinging,
Ringing
Hollow tone.
You never let yourself
Get too close to the fire
For fear
(Like stone, is clear)
Of charring your wings,
Shortening their span.
But on you shall sing
Just because you can.

Manifest your ignorant ways
(In a sub-conscious daze)
Sew another square
To the quilt
(Each a pattern of guilt)
Vision impaired
(But I came prepared)
Catching the petals
Falling from you eyes.

Wasted energy
On pointless eulogies.
I wonder if you hear me
(But praise is not to be given
While you're on your knees).

Black and white
(Time frame standing still).
Droplets of gray
Falling on your window sill,
Seeping through the cracks
(To fill in the negative space)
In all you lack
(Just like that)
Of a painting;
(A portrait of a mind
With no shading).

Destroyed elements
(With words irrelevant)
Let me fuck your mind.
Impregnate,
(Disintegrate)
The perpetual state
Of sickening, stagnant
Repetition
I:
Being
The very definition
Of a mind
Without a line
(Nothing to cross
Without the time)
Created by the hands
Of the clock on their wall
But not by the hands
That zip their skin up
Tall,
Standing the opposite.
(Condescend)
And pretend
What falls apart
Shall mend
What has a start
Craves an end.

(A disclaimer),
No-namer.
Anonymous,
Faceless
(Just like you)
I try to
Fill the emptiness.
(Find one of the many)
Spaces next to me.
Start a revelation,
(Me: The step latter)
Holding high all the thoughts
That shatter
(Splatter)
On the concrete,
To bow at your feet.
Breed
The future.
Hold
And mold
It in your hands.
Imprints
Of your fingertips,
A little piece of me left behind;
The whore that just
Fucked
Your
Mind

I am empty.
Utterly
And completely.
Would you care to fill
(With another
Emotional
Spill)
The space inside of me?
Words
Can
Kill
And I'm aiming them
At myself
For everyone else
To witness
My lack of success.

The rays are burning
Through my skin
Light colliding with
Stray decay
(How long have I
Been
This
Way?
Stupid and blind).

Clinging to the promise of sin
I pick myself up again
Soon, we will face the end
But if you'll join me
You're
No
Friend.

Veins closing
As you're posing
(Poster child)
Reputation wild.
Untamed,
Unchained
With semen stained
Flesh
Bruises fresh.
Yeah, you're his little girl
Yeah, he'd give you the world
If it were his
(And as told by your ignorance)...
It is.

I'll watch you fall
And choke on the shards
Of your pretty glass eyes
Silencing your call
For mercy.
Choke the release,
Sound the alert
(I fucking hope it hurts)...

I'm laying here right next to you,
But it feels like your not even here,
At this darkest hour of the night,
Your silence is my deepest fear.

Our world seemed to be getting better,
But your silence signals something wrong,
I'm laying here, headphones in.
Constantly listening to this same fucking song.

The music drowns out the echos,
Of the pain ripping me apart,
The guitars, drums, base and screaming vocals,
Act like bandages repairing my damaged heart.

The war within my head,
Is now at full force,
Because whenever I ask you if you're happy with us,
You turn around and say ofcourse.

Its clear to me that you are not you,
And right now I am not me,
I guess now only time will tell,
How this is going to be.

When will you come back,
And stop my breaking heart
Because how this is going right now,
Were quickly drifting apart.

I leave this poem to sit and wait for more,
Now in the darkness I'm alone,
This confusion is ripping me to the core,
And loneliness will soon become my home.

I'm about to pour my heart out to you....

Inspire me. Give me reason to live.
(I haven't a sense of direction)
Merely a ghost in the twilight
Lonliness to be my reflection
I have tired of this empty routine
(Too similar to stand for contrast)
Make amends with lost love
Priorities first to become the last
My mind is like a leafless tree
(Swaying in the summer wind)
So beautiful yet so incomplete
Feelings held out on every limb
--(This is my retreat)--

I'll sleep on this solemn cloud
(For hours, days, months....)
Tiring of repetitive gloom
Wishing to breathe, just once
When my hair falls upon my face
(And my eyes grace the pages)
My stare eventually meets yours
Yearning for translation of our stages
Dreaming in distant realms
Conciousness so far away
I stare into the bleak distance
Love never to hold Her stray
--(There has to be more than this)--

Maybe you need to lose your mind
(So you can join me in this form)
Completely void of sane emotion
Lost in the flow of the storm
I have changed so much
(I doubt you would recognize)
Or see through the indecision
Regret? I was so caught up in lies
I love you with all that I don't have
(You created so many scars)
Tore open too many wounds
I thought I finally got to the stars
--(The only faith lies in the Moon)--

I'm pathetic. This shouldn't hurt.
(Remember, I have no feeling)
And you made me cry.... yet again
All this strength you are stealing
I fear I can't promise I'll ever heal
(Or that I'll be strong enough for you)
Because I've broken down once more
The bruises turned from black to blue
Followed by the constant reminder
(Of the hits I take to save a name)
I can't deal with the reputation
Of being nothing but just the same
--(I'm not sure if this is my imagination)--

....Are you listening?

I
Didn't
Think
So.