BaByBuBz907's blog: "Poems"

I see you, as you sit there with that little smerk drawn on your face, misplaced in this world you think you have no place. "Why was I brought to the Earth" "Why am I here" "Is there a reason for me" thoughts of your every day life. "No reason to be here" is all you can think, so you stand in you own puddel as it grows, nothing to save you so slowly you sink. Your world grows dim and your mind eclips, caught in a whorle pool of thoughts as your mind caught arift. Not a thing that can change your mind you think on ones to care, just one more shout or slander is all you can bare. Small strands of lights shines through you shell, firey beams caught in the dust it feels as if your in your own hell. You hear of peoples love, but you dismiss the thought, and slower and slower, inside what you made, the sent of decays you as you seem to rott. A shower of feelings await you as drops of hope seep in, then when you realize your true birth begins. A new sent, a hopeful sent starts to waft through, now turns a natural peach which once was blue. You hear what once was a lie, words of "I Love You" burns your ears, thus makes you cry. The shell wants to be no more, but its only yours to break, move out of your boundries, it may be your only sake. Let the borders come down and the light shine in, for this is where you true life begins. Let me love you and all thats imperfect, let me hold you in my arms and you'll learn that true love is always worth it. Though in that shell of yours you are my lighthouse, my beacon of light. You are the one I want to have my soul, and I wish to be the one to lead you from your shell and always make you whole. Break free and I'll put it simply, I to have you and want you to complete me.

Why is it we look towards others to find what we already know, and we refuse to believe to hear those words coming from the ones who love you so. Is it so important to keep holding on to what you want rather then what is real that you dismiss the truth, that all you do is punish yourself trying so hard to hold on to what you believe as it rotts your very soul. Why must we try so hard to relight the dwindling flames of a once simmering smothered old torch that should have never been light, trying and trying to the point where nothing burns but the hands caught inside flames of once what was. Suffering from yourself and not wanting anything but to have what can never be. You hear your loved ones who moved on, yet all you want is to sit aside and watch the clouds roll by, as you sit there waiting for that lost spirit of yours to completely disappear. You hold on with every last ounce of your dieing soul, that you lose all sight of the ones moving from that retched sent, the decaying smell of that once strong, beautiful nature. Rotting with every breath, you grow weary to the world, nothing there to give you that familiar feeling of loving arms, yet you still hold on. Where, your loved ones think, will this misery stop, and when will you return? And a hand reaches out once more. You stop and think, but turn away, because all in your mind is that time, which never truly was.

Seemingly impossible to forget your face I see you in my dreams. I see you and here you and so I lose sleep. I long for your presence and pray for your love, and yet not an answer to lay me down and rid of my insomnia. No reason for me to lay atop my goose down mattress nor my head upon clouds, for I have no reason to dream of you if I kno you are not there. No reason to smile when I'm dreaming of you so, so I grow tired, as I lose sleep night and night again. I need the satisfaction of my lady, the warmth of your body carressing my soul. Yet you are not there and I lose sleep of your absence. My body is weary and my mind fully roughts, yet you still taunt me, for you are not here. I need you here and now, to kno that I'm sane, because without you I kno I have lost my mind, and my heart, and part of my soul. Give me back my sanity, and my love, and if you may, when we die, i want to walk you into heavens gates. Come back in my life and stay by my side. Give me your hand and I'll give you my life. Until i find you my love, I still lose sleep.

This is as happy as I've ever been. Walking and talking with a smile on my face. Spirit held high and eyes to the sky. Grinning and sinning as I slang my stuff. The world knows no happieness that I have right now. Yet at night I have a blank look on my face. No reason to smile, no reason to grin. Am I truly happy now that I have lost so much? No home and no family, no job and I lost my girl. Still yet, you hear of my happieness. Smiles are all you see on my face, and all you hear are my lies. This is indeed the happiest I have ever been. Peace and serenity comfort you, for this is what I tell you I am. Yet tearing at my heart barbed wire surrounds me every where I go. Smiling through the pain, grinning in the rain. A hallow man without a heart, I need true peace. Indeed this is the happiest you have ever seen me. Dancing the whole way through, I let my foot loose. Sending my pain away so you can be as happy as you want. You think nothing of it and you cheer me on. I feed of your words and you bring me up. These are indeed the happiest times of my life. These are the lies I tell myself every night I lay awake. Forcing myself to smile, making you see my smile. No more can I hold this in, yet I still smile. So I write so you can know. So for now and forever I will smile. All because these are the happiest times of my life. . . .

Caught in a daze, my mind misplaced. I yearn to forget. An undying feeling in my soul, it quakes me physically. You are trapped in my thoughts, and haunt me emotionally. I ponder the ways you have beseeched me, and yet, you could walk away so suddenly. Your essence has thrilled me, body compeled me, I ponder how you could want such a lowly embodiment of a man, and yet I ponder why is it when I have come to realize how much i can be because of you, you ravish my will, and destroy all hope by leaving so suddenly. Forced to witness my own demise, I sit here dwelling on the times I could have had without you, and how this man with seemingly no hope could have been that man with at least a bleak future. You have made me what I am today, and I have thanked you, now that I have come to where I am, I implore you, please release me from this tomb that is slowly being burried into an abyss of nothingness. Your angelic nature have captured my everything and twisted it all to a demonic vision of what you want to be, and all I can think is, "Why did this happen to me?" Wonders from the perfect being, you are the worst thing to come from hell, I ponder how you could have choose me. You seem too innocent, satin himself would be suprised to see he could not be more evil. I ponder how you could have made me the carcass of a man I am today. You made me what I am today, and I have thanked you. The only thing I can do now, for all of this, is thank you once more, for you have helped me to find the bottom of the abyss. For this there is nowhere else I can go, and no one there to help me, for this I must thank you. I can only help myself. From there I shall find my true angel, who is waiting at the light. You were the best of the worst accomplishments I have ever wanted, and for this I must thank you

Some people ask why their life gets harder when things start to go wrong. Right now I'm asking myself why life is going so much easier. Why is it in this time of sarrow and pain, why can I only sit here, put my head back and laugh things off? Even when I am faced with the lose of a loved one, well more like two or three, all I do is sit here smiling away any emotions I should be feeling. Why can't I cry, why are the sounds of my laugh so empty, why is it when I smile it's the same blank smile I had before? Why is it when my little brother died, I tried to cry, but only for a few moments, I shed so little tears? Not to mention when a girl I felt so much for left me, the only thing I could do was make sure she felt just as mad at me as I was at her? Then when i heard my sisters mother-in-law died so suddenly, it hit me like an avalanch, I just might be heartless. I did nothing to that news. Now all I want to do is drink only to see if this will trigger the emotions I am supposed to be forced to feel under these dire situations. Am i depressed, and do what I am doing because I have never really felt this way? Is it that I have been struck by so meny things at once that one thing couldn't keep up with another, thus causing me to fall into an abyss of complete darkness of nothingness? And why is it I can't implore myself into talking to others of what I am feeling. Can anyone tell me of these things, or am I forced to suffer with these questions?

I was able to laugh things off like they were nothing before. . . Before these times have passed. Now I sit here with no emotions witting across my face. I lost so much since the last time I truly smiled, and now, the grin on my face means nothing more then a wallow of sheer lose. Lose of time, emotion, feeling in itself. My family, a girl here and there, happiness, they mean nothing to me anymore. I now only wish to live my life as I am told, a shell of a human. Emotionless is to be my goal, to care only for me. Have you ever had a really nasty food and you wanted to get rid of that taste so bad, you just eat something better to solve that problem, only to notice that your not solving the problem, your just prolonging it, and a few hours later you realize it was a mistake, because you burp up a taste so nasty that you want to throw up. . . I had that experience, but with a relationship. . . She knows who she is. . . But any ways, back to the topic at hand. . . To laugh would be a nice experience, but to laugh at the sight of the pain in which you inflicted, that would feel so much better for me. . . For no reason at all, I want to see someone cry, so I can know that what I am saying is true, to see you cry, it would complete my poetic chaos. . . And I would bask in the glory that is mine, complete. I want to know that I am truly as I feel. . . A hallow, blank, emotionless capsole, where a man once stayed. The lose of so much, tells me that nothing should really matter to me anymore. You were here, and now your not (to no one inparticular), and this has set me free, to be what I was ment to be. ME (in short)!! Nothing shall matter anymore. I have moved away from what you think I was, and now, you are nothing. Well. . . . That is all. . . I just wanted you all to know. . . To laugh would be nice, but to laugh at the pain in which you inflicted, that would feel so much better to match me.