It's amazing what you see when you miss it so much. Today was the first full day I've been without my family. My reception to things has been difficult. I hear children when no children are near. Everything I see everything I do reminds me of my kids. Not knowing how they are or what they are being told is driving me to the brink. I had to go to the store today and get some essentials and everywhere I turned there were families. I never noticed them before when I was with mine. I feel like a stranger. An outsider. I have no real reason to be. Why go home? There is nothing there. Why go to work? There is no reason to have money. I miss my family. I want them back. I heard a kid screaming in discontent at the store, a sound that would normally make one mad, I started to cry. When I have my kids I feel so proud. I have a purpose. They represent all that I am. I dont know how to be Rick. Im not sure I want to be Rick. I love being dad. I love to talk with my kids. I love to see them smile. To watch them deal with things. To grow and change. I dont think I canbe a part time father. I dont know if I can wait around long enough to find out. My sanity is thin. I need them more than anything else. I want my wife to know how it feels to be in my shoes. I think it would open her eyes to the gravity of her choices. The feeling of not haveing your children is unbearable to anybody who wants them. Its unbearable to not know. Not to know when you will see them. Not to know if they will be turned against you. Not to know if the hate you for not being with them. If they even know its not your choice. I would give everything to be with them. Please somebody help me.
