Deathbydolls fuEngaged to Beezy's blog: "Per Molestias Eruditio"

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(repost of original by '~*~MOMMA~*~' on '2007-12-12 22:00:33')

I watched him walk away for the last time and I wanted to scream I never wanted to leave like this after a night of no affection no love, no thoughtful words My heart breaks but no tears are coming not tonight too numb Tomorrow morning, 8 am is the start of the new life without him without anyone that cares maybe sleep will come if I am that lonely maybe I can make it on my own better than here but I dont want to make it without him. I didnt mean to fall but I did, and hard too Never meant to. It's so hard now. I dont want to say goodbye, knowing it could be the very last time I ever see him.......

Sleepless nights Stale cigarettes Racing thoughts What am I to do now? The pills the doctor prescribed arent working... "Will make you fall asleep." Ha! What a laugh It's failing me My sanity is going I'm starting to fall The littlest things piss me off No control, no emotions Just anger Icy glares, snide remarks Just want to get away 730 am, cold coffee So confused, so frustrated I'm leaving soon Maybe it'll be better there Need caffeine sleep pills nicotine love Anything to make me feel better. ================================================= No sleep again for the 4th night I dont know what I'm doing I need him just to tell me everything will be ok If he can make it, why cant I? But his pills work mine seem to hate me Oh, how lucky he is. I can barely comphrend what my mother is saying it's turning into a buzzing far away sound the tv is on but I cant focus on it. I cant focus on anything why? what am I doing wrong? all I want is sleep. something to make me feel happy and content I cant feel. its all numb now. shes rambling on about how shes been awake since 430 oh poor mother, no sleep. And you wonder why Im "cranky" she asks whats wrong. "Nothing. I'm fine." I need something, alot of things. but nothing she can give me nothing works. Just tell me, I'll be ok. but I wont. Just let everything be ok.

So, at 2:47 am, a horrible realization hits me. I NEED to be alone. I havent been 100% completely UNATTACHED from someone since prolly '04. Yes actually, thats right. Now, Im not a slut, but I always seem to have attachments. And with barely anytime betwe en the abusive mentally fucked up one, the emotional rollercoaster of a boyfriend who couldnt "handle" my life ( 2 fucking years goddamnit!), the one who didnt know how to "be there" for me, the two cheating boyfriends, the one that left came back left came back again and used me, I havent had any "alone" time. I am a jumble of emotions ranging from compassion and love, to rage and revenge. I feel like I need to be alone for awhile. No emotional attachments, no trusting anyone but myself, no "love". No nothing. I refuse to allow myself to get into another abusive relationship, whether physically, mentally, emotionally, financially. If I get into one, I will end up hating everyone and anyone, I will die alone. And that is not something I want. I do not want to be alone for the rest of my life, but I can not carry around all these feelings with me for the next 50 years. And I have no reason to forgive anyone of them, and yet I have. I have even apologized multiple times to one ( and it wasnt just me that fucked this up either ), but its pathetic, that despite the fact that I hate being wrong, I apologized for things HE DID TO ME! Now, I think thats whats called being a better person. Because I can assure you, none of them are a "good man." None of them can live on their own, they all need. They do not know how to stand up and take responsibility when they fuck up, thats apparently my job. And I must say, I have taken care of more than my fair share in all of my relationships. But I need to be alone, away from everything. And I can not deal with anymore sappy shit. No more " Aww baby I love you." and if I ever have to hear " Awww baby please... just for me? Why wont you take just one for me?? I love you..." I will personally make sure you will not ever be able to have sex again. I will not take naked pics, I will not take topless pics. NO = NO. Most of you guys dont even mean shit to me, just because I talk to you, doesnt mean Im going to fuck you. Get it? Now, for some people who read this (( oh yes, that means you )) I may sound like a complete and utter bitch. Good, thats what I want. Because I need to be alone, I need to get my own shit straightened out and I will not be asked any more fucking dumbass questions such as " Hey girl, do you think my big hard cock can pound your tight hot wet pussy sometime soon?" The answer is No. and if you ask me how I taste, lmfao youll be asked how you taste, and if you dont know, Ill talk you into licking your hand off. Then see how much you like getting a mouth full of cum! MMMMMM YUM! * rolls eyes* whatever. go away.

Ok, so I want to say Thank You to everyone that fucked me over, backstabbed me, talked shit behind my back, and every other mean thing that everyone around here seems to do. Thank You. I really appreciate the motivation to get the fuck outta here. Because of every single one of you, I am even more motivated to get to alabama. And for everyone who doesnt think I'm going to make it down there, this is my fuck you to you. I am going to make it. I am going to fight for everything so that way, I will never have to come back here and see any one of you ever again. =] and to Rizzo and Mike - Thank You for hurting me in the worst ways possible. You both have given me the strength to get out, and get more for myself. Because of you two, I hate syracuse, and you two make me more determined than ever to prove you both wrong. I am not the girl either one of you think I am, I am not to be fucked with anymore. So Thank You for making me a pissed off, motivated bitch. :) except for lauren and anna, and some others that will remain nameless... i <3 you guys.

Happy but Torn Is it bad if I am torn between "bumfuck" and "nowhere" now? If he asked, I'd stay, but I cant... and I know he wouldnt ask... but I havent felt this happy in a long time ( besides how the 40 mountain dews made me feel last night ). I love him, he knows it, and he knows I'd do anything for him. I am just so torn.. before today, I've been packing and getting ready and busting my ass... and now, I'm sitting here in my room looking around, and I see his hat, and I can still smell him, still feel him holding on, and I want to cry.. I'll leave regardless, just like he did months ago, but now I have a reason to come home... if he's still here, if not I'm going to Cali. lol and now, besides looking forward to leaving, I'm looking forward to australia next summer with him...... so any donations?? lol god, i need to learn not to fall in love anymore.

So I was sitting here last night, and I realized that I absolutely despise alot of people and things that are going on. I hate the fact that I'm being punished for things that I had no control over, I am being excluded from things because I'm leaving, so in my mind, they just dont give a shit. I hate that I am so "Popular" with all these guys now, but hardly any of them even realize that I am a person, and I wont just jump into bed with them, and that I am and will be a bitch if you're an idiot. I just wont deal with stupidity and drama anymore. You wanna put yourself down? Fine, go right ahead, but dont do it near me. You wanna talk shit about others? Thats fine too, and again, do it near me and I'll talk shit about you right to you're fucking face. You wanna sit there and shove you're views down someones throat? I'll point out how contradictory you are and prove to you that your a hypocrit. I just dont want to deal with people. no one. and for the people that think i am just a piece of ass, or that they can use me, DO NOT FUCK WITH ME. I am not the girl you can fuck with anymore.

Its not my room anymore I decided I'd start cleaning out my room today. And I could barely do it. I just sat in the middle of my room and cried. I threw out all my magazines, quite a few of my cds, and alot of everything else. Two of my walls are now bare, and it doesnt even look like my room anymore. I feel like I'm throwing away everything that makes me me and leaving it all here in NY. My dresser is cleaned up for the first time... ever, and if you have ever been in my room, then you know about my huge dried flower montage thingy near my door. That is one of my favorite things in my room, and I cant throw it out. They're beautiful, and yet, I cant take them down and take them with me without destroying them..I cant do it. This is too hard. More than I ever imagined. I have lived in that room for the last 18 years, I used to wish I could leave it everyday, go somewhere different, leave all the memories behind. But now that I am, I dont want to. I dont want to leave all the memories of my room behind. All the nights spent cuddling, all the nights crying over a broken heart or depression.All the laughter. All the love. All the hurt. I have locked myself in my room so many times that I can count, wishing I could escape. and I cant lock myself in there anymore. I will never be able to go in there, and just sit there watching out my window as the snow falls, or scream back and forth to corey at 2 am, or sit on the roof and sunbathe. I'll never be able to blast my music so loud that the floor shakes and my mother pounds on the walls downstairs screaming for me to turn it down, or sit on the floor smoking a much needed cigarette. Anna and I wont ever be able to go in there, give our backrubs and laugh until 3 am over the most stupidest shit, or get drunk, or sit in the closet anymore. as much as I need to leave this house, I dont want to. I want to take my room with me. I want to take everything with me. i think i need to get drunk and do this drunk.

You broke a thousand hearts on your way to mine you tore through a thousand lonely souls and shattered a thousand dreams before a twist of fate brought you to my door Now you've moved on following the scent of loneliness down a trail of desperation to another victim one who smiles unaware just like I did in the months before But time will be kind to me as it is to most gentle souls though we break like twigs in the howling winds of today the rains of tomorrow make us strong and let us grow into a forest that can never be broken You will remain hollow, empty and weak even as I grow stronger and some day love will find you following the scent of your loneliness and it will break you with ease a rotten tree falling to a draft So even as I cry for you and nurse my broken heart I offer no words of anger nor carry any ill desires For your fate is your own and destiny spites you enough while I'll miss you on lonely nights I can not hate what I pity so much nor condem that which has condemned itself ( sorry this isnt one i wrote this time. i found it,and it matches with what im going through)

You, who I love ( d ) so very much, can fuck off and die. Even on fucking graduation day You do NOT know how to put anything aside, and remeber the good times and reminsice. You are not a man, and never will be. I still treat You with respect and love, and You treat me like shit. But the fact of the matter is, is that You are the piece of shit. And the fucking remark about being "extra baggage", I got rid of that "extra baggage" awhile ago, I forgave and forgot. Whereas You hold onto everything I have ever done, but yet, you "convientely" forget everything You've ever done to hurt ME. But oh, I'm sure you'll hold on to that for forever. And to have MY best friend stick up for YOUR SORRY ASS is where I fucking draw the line. If You want her so bad, at least wait until I'm gone. You will never be a man. You will always be a selfish, bitter little boy. And I hope honest to god, that after I leave, I never see you again. I have moved on, You, on the other hand, cannot. My honest guess right now is that You either still love me very much, or do not know how to move on with Your life. I also much be honest and say that I think that if Your parents never taught You how to forgive and forget, You are fucked for the rest of You're life. You will always be alone, and You will bitch about it the entire time. I hope You have a horrible life, while I work my way up, and forget about you. Fuck You. Have a fucking horrible life asshole. I hope You know, You have hurt me more than anyone else ever has, and I hope it stays with You for the rest of You're life, that You ruined Youre relationship with the girl You were in love with. And You can never get it back. Fuck Off and Die. Trusted you With my life Shattered dreams Broken glass I hope there is closure Down your path For I have yet to find The means to forgive So what if you were all I had? Is it over? Wasting away And forget to see Go choose your way Leaving everything You walked away from this Did it make it easier on you? So what now? Life must go on still haunted You know how hard to face the day I hope it is good for you I tried, oh how I tried, but it’s broken Let me go, I could have died