The Kink Factory's blog: "Pagan Funnies"

YOUR NEIGHBOR IS A WITCH IF... By: Andie Gilmour Posted: March 13th/01 Fifty sure-fire ways to detect paganism without having to resort to a dunking stool or wart-inspection. 1) Never puts any rubbish out on refuse-collection day. I mean, re-cycling and composting is fine, but you can take it too far. 2) You casually ask what phase the moon is in, and she tells you down to the exact number of days, hour and minute of rising, position on horizon, and current angle of declination. 3) All the stray cats in the neighbourhood tend to congregate in her garden (and use your own as their litter). 4) A screech owl has chosen the lamp-post outside her house as its favorite calling-post. That's just when it's getting warm at night and you like to sleep with the window open. 5) Doesn't cut down the weeds in her garden; in fact it looks more like she's cultivating them. Needless to say, you get the seeds wafting over onto your pristine lawn. 6) Most of her clothes on the washing line are black. 7) The local kids talk in whispers as they go past her house, then start running at the last moment. 8) Nobody trick-or-treats her house; not after the incident when the kids' costumes were less scary than hers when she opened the door to them. (She was embracing the Crone that year no doubt!) 9) Footprints on the roof. And the trees in her flight-path have been pruned down. I swear it's true! 10) She can't even make a simple sandwich without adding fresh herbs to it. And don't ask her for a cup of tea unless you want something yellow coloured and smelling of flowers. 11) She hardly ever gets junk mail. You ask her what her secret is and she confides that she returns it to sender after writing something on in strange curly writing. 12) When you pop next door for a chat, the kettle is always already on. 13) The Jehovah's Witnesses never call (not anymore; not after the last time :-). 14) Keeps the local scented-candle shop solvent. 15) Has a pond full of frogs (and you haven't seen that bothersome double-glazing salesman around for a while). 16) She's always smiling, darn her! 17) She goes dressed as normal to a Hallowe'en fancy dress party; and wins first prize. 18) Her house always smells of incense. 19) Has named her four cats Hecate, Kali, Diana, and Moonbeam. (Or her rats Devon and Cornwall) 20) Her bumper sticker reads "I brake for toads". 21) Frequently gets raided by the drug squad who confiscate large amounts of dried green leaves; they always return them with apologies after analysis. 22) At Christmas, it seems like half the garden has been moved into the house. 23) You sometimes hear the sound of singing and dancing through the wall. If you look out of the window, it is usually a full moon. 24) She was given a bodhram drum for her birthday. And she plays it at midnight in the fields. And she's got a blasted tamborine. 25) You discover that her realistic resin skull ornament in her living room, actually is real. 26) You catch her washing a crystal ball along with the dishes. 27) She wears a lot of silver jewelry, even when doing the gardening. And bat ear-rings for goodness-sake. 28) You knock on her door and she answers it naked except for a toweling robe. You apologize for disturbing her in the bath, but notice that her hair isn't wet. 29) Irritating tendency to hum a lot. What's she got to be so happy about, huh? 30) She has a tame robin that will eat from her hand in the garden. That can't be natural. 31) Never catches a cold, even though she walks barefoot most of the time. In the snow as well. 32) Doesn't kill spiders. Not even big hairy long-legged ones that suddenly appear from the waste-pipe whilst you're having a bath. 33) She listens to what you are saying like she really cares. 34) She has lots of female friends who come round every few months. When you ask what they get up to, she tells you that they just have cakes and ale and a good natter. 35) You catch her hugging a tree. 36) Her dinner-set is decorated with Celtic patterns. 37) She has a mail-order account with a semi-precious gem wholesaler. 38) You notice that the parish priest crosses himself whenever he walks past her house. 39) She never watches television. And she has shelves full of books with black spines and silver-lettered titles. 40) To your certain knowledge she has never set foot in the local church. In fact, you have heard rumours that she has been barred from it. 41) She makes jars of quince and mandrake relish for the Women's Institute coffee morning jumble sale. 42) You ask to borrow a pack of cards for an impromptu bridge evening, and there are 78 in the pack. 43) You have never known her to visit her GP. 44) When you talk with her, she maintains eye contact all the time. 45) Expectant mothers are forever visiting her. Also women who become expectant mothers a month after visiting her. 46) You ask her for suggestions for nice walks in the area, and they all go by way of stone circles and strange earth mounds. 47) She only buys organic. And you just bet that she's a vegetarian as well. (Well, maybe not stricly vegetarian....) 48) When you ask her about her vacation plans, she tells you she will be camping in a tee-pee in the Brecon Beacons. 49) There aren't any mirrors in her house. Or clocks. 50) She tells you that she is coming out of the broom closet, joins Witches' Voice, and erects a stained-glass pentacle window in her front door . Ooo what a give-away!

Okra December 22 - January 20 Although you appear crude, you are actually very slick on the inside. Okra have tremendous influence. An older Okra can look back over his life and see the seeds of his influence everywhere. Stay away from Moon Pies. Chitlin January 21 - February 19 Chitlins often come from humble backgrounds. Many times they're uncomfortable talking about just where they came from. A chitlin, however, can make something of himself if he's motivated and has plenty of seasoning. When it comes to dealing with Chitlins, be very careful. Chitlins are best with Catfish and Okra. Remember that when marriage time rolls around. Boll Weevil February 20 - March 20 You have an overwhelming curiosity. You're unsatisfied with the surface of things, and you feel the need to bore deep into the interior of everything. Needless to say, you are very intense and driven as if you had some inner hunger. Nobody in their right mind is going to marry you, so don't worry about it. Moon Pie March 21 - April 20 You're the type that spends a lot of time on the front porch. It's a cinch to recognize the physical appearance of Moon Pies. "Big" and "round" are the key words here. You should marry anybody who you can get remotely interested in the idea. It's not going to be easy. This might be the year to think about aerobics. Maybe not. Possum April 21 - May 21 When confronted with life's difficulties, possums have a marked tendency to withdraw and develop a "don't-bother-me-about-it" attitude. Sometimes you become so withdrawn, people actually think you're dead. This strategy is probably not psychologically healthy, but seems to work for you. One day, however, it won't work, and you may find your problems actually running you over. Crawfish May 22 - June 21 Crawfish is a water sign. If you work in an office, you're always hanging around the water cooler. Crawfish prefer the beach to the mountains, the pool to the golf course, the bathtub to the living room. You tend not to be particularly attractive physically. Collards June 22 - July 23 Collards have a genius for communication. They love to get in the "melting pot" of life and share their essence with the essences of those around them. Collards make good social workers, psychologists, and baseball managers. As far as your personal life goes, if you are Collards stay away from Moon Pies. It just won't work. Save yourself a lot of heartache. Catfish July 24 - August 23 Catfish are traditionalists in matters of the heart, with one exception: Whiskers may cause problems for loved ones. You catfish are never easy people to understand. You prefer the muddy bottoms to the clear surface of life. Above all else, Catfish should stay away from Moon Pies. Grits August 24 - September 23 Your highest aim is to be with others like yourself. You like to huddle together with a big crowd of other Grits. You love to travel, though, so maybe you should think about joining a club. Where do you like to go? Anywhere they have cheese or gravy or bacon or butter or eggs. If you can go somewhere where they have all these things, that serves you well. Boiled Peanuts September 24 - October 23 You have a passionate desire to help your fellow man. Unfortunately, those who know you best - your friends and loved ones - may find that your personality is much too salty, and their criticism will probably affect you deeply because you are really much softer than you appear. You should go right ahead and marry anybody you want to because in a certain way, yours is a charmed life. On the road of life, you can be sure that people will always pull over and stop for you. Butter Bean October 24 - November 22 Always invite a Butter Bean because Butter Beans get along well with everybody. You, as a Butter Bean, should be proud. You've grown on the vine of life and you feel at home no matter what the setting. You can sit next to anybody. However, you, too, shouldn't have anything to do with Moon Pies. Armadillo November 23 - December 21 You have a tendency to develop a tough exterior, but you are actually quite gentle. A good evening for you?Old friends, a fire, some roots, fruit, worms and insects. You are a throwback. You're not concerned with today's fashions and trends. You're not concerned with anything about today. You're really almost prehistoric in your interests and behavior patterns. You probably want to marry another Armadillo, but Possum is another mating possibility.

Know ye, of brite eyes and rumbling tummy, that yon ritual hast been performéd by thine ancestors since first man yearnéd for munchies. Prepareth, hence, for thy ritual by cleansing thy Desk area to preserve a sacred space for thy pizza, which shalt shortly be deliveréd unto ye by the hallowed messenger. Relinquish, thee, all papers and such which doth undoubtedly clutter thy sacred Desk until the time of pizza doth occur. And set ye out upon thy keyboard a mighty set of napkins, for the art of pizza ingestion ist a faulty process fraught with grease stains. Upon this sacred preparation, annoint ye now thy lips with Cola of thy deity's significance and prepare to petition the spirits of thy local and most favoréd patron deity of pizza. Be it called upon by the name of Domino, Our Little Caesar, Howie the Hungry, or Great Father Romano...ye shalt call upon thy deity for spirited release from the hunger pangs of thy tummy. Begin ye now the ritual. Take up the divination of thy telephone, and dial ye in thy pizza deity's sacred number, Qabalistic values thereof notwithstanding. Speak patiently and slowly thy hidden name and thy petition; take care to outline the detailings of thy contracted pizza lest the spirits deny ye a flavor ye hath not rememberéd. Upon thy departure from the telephonic spirit realm, the herald of thy pizza deity shalt impart unto thee the wisdom to know what tribute this day be for thy request, and lo! 'Tis then that ye shalt make thy way towards thine wallet and retrieve therein the sacred coins requiréd to placate the pizza delivery lad. Upon closure of thy sacred connection with the divinatory Telephone, hold ye up thy sacred coins and wait ye thrice ten minutes for the spirit to appear. If the spirit be late, thy sacred coins shalt lose their potency, and thou wilt receive thy pizza as a blessing free of charge. Else placate the messenger with thy coins upon his (or her) arrival, and ye shall gain thy petitioned pizza. As anchovie, so bacon. So meade it be. May thy workings be tasty and fattening. Copyright © 2001 Sgaileach Sidhe Used with permission.

THE CAFFEINATED CROSS Stand, facing east, holding your coffee cup, filled with the mystical brew, in your power hand, and assume a posture of wakeful alertness. Bring your coffee cup to your forehead and intone: "LATTE" Lower your coffee cup to the vicinity of your navel: "MOCHA" Bring your coffee cup to your left shoulder: "CAPPUCHINO" Bring it across to your right shoulder: "FRAPPUCHINO" Clasp your coffee cup in both hands over your heart chakra: "ARABICA, OH MAN!" Extend your arms to the sides, and intone: "BEFORE ME, MRS. OLSON" "BEHIND ME, JUAN VALDEZ" "AT MY RIGHT HAND, M J B" "AT MY LEFT HAND, THE BROTHERS HILLS" "FOR ABOUT ME SWIRLS THE COFFEE AROMA" "WITHIN ME SINGS THE CAFFEINE HIGH" Drink the coffee, in communion with the spirits of the Sacred Coffee Bean. This last step may be usefully repeated as long as you like

Some of these were funny... even funnier that we all know someone on this list ...even ifit is ourselves.....lol 1. Bright-Eyed Novice: You just read this cool book about a religion where there's a Goddess and a God, and they meet outside in nature, instead of some scary old building. They think sex is GOOD not evil, and you want to know where to sign up. Distinguishing Signs: Mispronounces god/dess names, has to think a moment about which is deosil and which is widdershins. Has a shiny new athame (rhymes with "A-frame".) 2. Grand Old Wo/Man: Actually remembers Woodstock (the first one.) Will tell you about the time they dropped acid with Kerry Wendell Thornley - or maybe it was Robert Anton Wilson. Anyway, it was somebody with three names. Or was it three people with one name? Distinguishing Signs: Luxuriant gray locks, listens very intently, knows dish about people you've only read about. 3. Tree Hugging Nature Sprite: Most prized possession: one of Judi Barry's old tree spikes. Simultaneously believes in universal love for humanity and returning the planet to a pristine, uncorrupted state. Apt to remove clothes and fondle the shrubbery at a moment's notice. Can discuss compost in great detail. Distinguishing Signs: No meat, no fragrance, no leather, no plastic, no smoke, no drugs, no eco-exploitive products, no animal tested cosmetics, no TV, no car, but very tolerant. 4. Anal Retentive Ceremonialist: Book collection actually holds up the ceiling in places. Is studying Greek, Latin and Hebrew all at once. Does "workings" instead of "rituals". All twenty volumes of their magical diaries are all in Enochian. Distinguishing Signs: Won't go anywhere without a book. Is constantly aware of which direction is east. Dresses according to planetary conditions, or whatever was on sale at Wal-Mart. 5. Womyncentric Gynocrat A man's shadow crossed her altar once and she spent three weeks purifying it. She'll have no wands in her chalice, thank you. No boys allowed in her full-moon club. Can hold forth for hours on the magical properties of menstrual blood. Distinguishing Signs: Tiny axes or curved knives, just right for amputating a penis, are a favored symbol and often hang conveniently from her body parts. When a man approaches she rolls her eyes and stops talking. 6. Sexy Pagan Nymph: Oh, they're so nice! All that warm, round, sex-positive flesh -- and you can actually carry on a conversation with them between orgasms... pant, drool... Distinguishing Signs: Cute. Horny. Displays prominent cleavage. Will recite love poetry to you under a full moon. Likes to do it outdoors. Often destitute. All too few of them. 7. Corporate Closet Witch: "Hey, boss -- I'd like to take February 2nd as a personal day..." Has an entire chapter of their Book Of Shadows concerned with spells for purifying the workplace. Doesn't mind working on Christmas, especially if there's overtime involved. Quit being overtly Pagan at work since being canned by that born-again boss, but still refuses to say "Merry Christmas." Distinguishing Signs: Can assume a properly smiley work persona at the drop of a hat. Constantly glances around the room anxiously looking for co-workers and their spies. Non-distinctive style of dress, no conspicuous tattoos. 8. Childe Of Kaos: Can name seventeen industrial goth bands without pausing to think. Knows what a Prince Albert is. Personally feels that if no panicky headlines appear the day after you do a ritual, you screwed up. Painted on their jacket, engraved in their flesh and/or boldly displayed as jewelry is an emblem which resembles a combination of corporate logo and arcane symbol. If you don't know what it means, they'll think you're a dweeb. Distinguishing Signs: Easy to picture as an alternative musician or bike messenger, difficult to visualize as a school teacher or research assistant, impossible to imagine as a TV news anchor or bank officer. Always wears black leather, even when sleeping. 9. Pagan Celebrity: At conventions, stays on the hotel floor that requires a special key for elevator access. Lurks around knots of conversation eavesdropping in order to see if their name is being mentioned. Arrives in helicopter especially for rituals. Starts every sentence with "I". If you ask them how it's going, they hand you a press release. Distinguishing Signs: Always has plenty of books to autograph and will personally sell them to you at a slight discount from cover price. Never seen unaccompanied by beefy amazonian bodyguards and doe-eyed hangers-on. Seems vaguely afraid of anyone they don't already know. 10. Scary Devil Worshipper: Would never been caught dead skyclad. Rarely smiles, except in a snide, knowing way which insinuates you are an ignorant peasant worthy of conquest. Secretly enjoys Rush Limbaugh and read The Bell Curve with smug satisfaction. Fascinated with Nazis. Probably has never hurt a fly, but they want you to think they're capable of vast destruction. Distinguishing Signs: Lots of black and red. Men like goatees, women favor heavy black eye liner. At least one inverted pentagram somewhere on their person. If you see several of them getting tanked in a bar, it would be wise to stay far away. 11. Crowley-In-A-Past-Life: Every magical gathering has at least one of these, along with several variants along the lines of Gerald Gardner, Tituba, Morgan LeFey, or somebody who was Atlantean royalty. Many of them were abducted by aliens recently, and have disturbing dreams rich with arcane symbolism that they will tell you all about, in great detail. Distinguishing Signs: Look for the intense gleam in the eyes, the backpack rattling with various psychiatric medications, and the garments that were clearly designed and tailored on another planet. 12. Ravin' Pagan: Young and psychedelic. Can dance non-stop all night. Refuses to do boring Eurocentric rituals and prefers deities from sunny climes with lots of interesting local plants. Can say "Ayahuasca" ten times real fast and deliver long quotes from Terrence McKenna. Distinguishing Signs: Dresses in color combinations that hurt the eyes unless you've taken ecstasy. Bloodshot eyes, blissful smile, never goes anywhere without ritual drum. 13. Faerie Queen: Is he a she? Is she a he? Are they a couple, or are those two a couple or are all four of them a quadruple? If getting answers to these questions could disturb you, best stay away. If, on the other hand, these kind of questions seem overly judgmental, you might have a real good time... Distinguishing Signs: When you look at this person, does every sex act you've ever experienced in your life seem hopelessly vanilla? If so, congratulations -- you've found a Faerie! 14. High Episcopagan: Do their rituals have a script, a choreographer, a stage manager, an orchestra with chorus and last at least three hours? It's a High Episcopagan! They can memorize pages and pages of Olde English, have more ritual garbs than most people have socks, and consider their main pagan influences to be Gerald Gardner, Judy Garland and Busby Berkeley. Distinguishing Signs: Book of Shadows exceeds five volumes. Knows every note of "Carmina Burana". Don't ask them about that 18th century seed pearl trim on their ritual hat unless you've got an hour to spare. 15. Fundamentapagan: If it's in a book, it must be true. If it's in an old book, it must really be true. If it's in an old book that was handed down from an oral tradition of people who couldn't read, then it must really be way true. Gnashes their teeth if anyone shows up at a circle wearing a watch, glasses, or other mechanical assistance. Believes that anyone who lives in a city, eats meat or has a regular job dare not call themselves a pagan. Distinguishing Signs: Has hissy fits when somebody brings up the old "Crowley ghosted Gardner's books" argument. Goes around correcting everyone's gaelic/old norse/latin/babylonian. 16. Dances With Bunny Rabbits: Uses animal symbolism to express nearly all opinions and feelings. Charter member of PETA. Thinks meat eaters should be publicly executed. Has many, many, many pets. Has a spirit animal. Personally owns 927 models, pictures, and other depictions of their spirit animal. Distinguishing Signs: Not counting the pagan his/herself, how many animals can you see when looking at them? If the count surpasses five (including critters found on tattoos, jewelry, garments and undies), you've found a worshipper of beasties. 17. Priest/ess of Political Correctness: Analyzes everything they read or hear for sexist-racist-homophobic-imperialist-Eurocentric content without paying attention to what is actually being said. Believes in personal liberty -- everyone has the right to be overbearing, dogmatic and holier-than-thou, not just the Christian Right. Incredibly boring yet annoyingly self-righteous all at the same time. Distinguishing Signs: Beady hyper-alert little eyes are constantly in motion, waiting for someone to do or say something bad. Has loud and attention attracting hissy fits when confronted with everyday things such as advertising or corporate franchises. Rudimentary sense of humor is rarely activated. 18. Our Lady Of Intense Suffering: Is constantly persecuted. You're probably persecuting her right now, you just don't realize it. Became a Pagan because she decided it was that most persecuted religion of all. Can't enjoy anything because it would be selfish to have any fun when so many are suffering. Distinguishing Signs: Tales of woe. Even less of a sense of humor than #17. Bristles when anyone says the words "masochist" or "whining". 19. I Am Not Spock (at the moment): Knows at least three filks about Cthulhu and at least forty Star Trek jokes. Has found a clever way to create simple furniture from stacks of science fiction paperbacks. Can name ninety different kinds of space ship. Distinguishing Signs: Two fisted drinking style. Probably still lives with parents. Many cryptic buttons, badges, patches and other insignia. Too smart for their own good. 20. Het-Case: Insist that they aren't homophobic; they just believe that Paganism is about a goddess and a god and they do it and what could be more obvious than that? It just doesn't "work right" if you try any other way! Are secretly afraid that gays and/or lesbians are dying to jump their tender hetro bones. Distinguishing Signs: Living spaces abound with depictions of satyrs with enormous genitals and huge-breasted, doe-eyed goddesses. Long manicured nails and wreaths of flowers (on females only -- men have big, bushy beards instead.) 21. Norse Code: Heroic and vikingly, these pagans often get into trouble with festival organizers and park rangers due to their fondness for running around with a huge battle-ax in one hand and a full mead horn in the other. They throw the best parties, but if you're a wimp, you're expressly not invited. Distinguishing Signs: Look for the large, foreboding, biker-like persons wearing runes, with many pounds of amber dangling from their necks. 22. Pentacles, Inc: Pagans have disposable income too, right? So how come they aren't buying my hand forged Venus of Willendorf necklaces -- they come in silver and gold, and each one has a genuine cubic zirconium belly button. Would you like a reading? Will that be Visa or Master Card? Distinguishing Signs: Has business cards featuring little embossed pentagrams. You've never seen so much Egyptian god/dess jewelry on a human being in your whole life. Rarely leaves the dealer's room and can't believe there are so many jewelry sellers present. 23. Monster Truck Pagan: Can grow their own food, build their own house, sew their own clothes, home school their children and brew their own organic hooch. Are looking forward to the bleak, post-apocalyptic world postulated by the environmentalists as they can't wait to run amok through the country, worshipping ancient gods, blowing up strip malls and rutting on the divider line of every interstate. Distinguishing Signs: Resourceful, clever and very well versed in the U. S. Constitution. Eats meat with visible twitches of pleasure. is aware that primitive religions have nothing to do with crystals, Atlantis or unicorns. Can assume a properly smiley work persona at the drop of a hat. Constantly glances around the room anxiously looking for co-workers and their spies. Non-distinctive hair, no conspicuous tattoos. ... You may be a monster-truck pagan if your anointing oil is 30 weight. ... You may be a monster truck pagan if cakes & wine means tailgate party. ... You may be a monster truck pagan if Autumn is the Burning Time.

You Might be Giving Pagans a Bad Name If... You insist that your boss call you "Rowan Starchild" because otherwise you'd sue for religious harassment. (Score double for this if you don't let that patronizing dastard call you "Mr. or Ms. Starchild.") You request Samhain, Beltaine, and Yule off and then gripe about working Christmas. You expect your employer to exempt you from the random drug testing because of your religion. You think the number of Wiccan books you own is far more important than the number you have read, regardless of the fact that most of your books are for beginners. You've won an argument by referencing "Drawing Down the Moon," knowing darned good and well they haven't read it either. You said it was bigotry when they didn't let you do that ritual in front of city hall. It had nothing to do with the skyclad bit. You picketed The Craft and Hocus Pocus, but thought that the losers who picketed The Last Temptation of Christ needed to get lives. You've ever had to go along with someone's ludicrous story because it was twice as likely to be true than most of the nonsense you spout. You complain about how much the Native Americans copied from Eclectic Wiccan Rites. You've ever referenced the Great Rite in a pick-up line. Someone has had to point out to you that you do not enter a circle "in perfect love and perfect lust." (Score double if you argued the point.) You claim yourself as a witch because how early you were trained by the wise and powerful such-and-such of whom nobody has heard. You claim to be a famtrad (hereditary), but you're not. (Score double if you had to tell people you were adopted to pull this off.) You claim to be a descendant of one of the original Salem Witches. (Score to a lethal degree if you don't get this one.) You think it's perfectly reasonable to insist that, since every tradition is different, and no one tradition is right, there's no reason not to do things your way. You've ever been psychically attacked by someone who conveniently held a coven position you crave, and suddenly had a glimpse into their mind so you could see how evil they were. You've ever affected an Irish or Scottish accent and insisted that it was real. You think it's your Pagan Duty to support the IRA, not because of any political beliefs you might share, but because, dammit, they're Irish. You talk to your invisible guardians in public. (Score double if you have met the Vampire Lestat or Dracula, triple if you got into a fight and escaped, or quadruple if it was no contest.) You've ever confused the Prime Directive with the Wiccan Rede. You've ever tried something you saw on "Sabrina, The Teenage Witch" You've suddenly realized in the middle of a ritual that you weren't playing D&D. You've failed to realize at any point in the ritual that you weren't playing D&D. You've suddenly realized that you are playing D&D. You hang out with people who each match at least fifteen of these traits. You recognize many of these traits in yourself, but this test isn't about you. But, boy, it's right about those other folks. copyright 1997 by Cather "Catalyst" Steincamp

OH My Goddess this was funny 0. The FOOL: a manager using a SPARCStation 413,1432 to run a screensaver. 1. The MAGICIAN: a hacker with a Mac, a Pentium box, a Sparc, and a Cray on the table in front of him --- all running the same program with the same GUI. An infinity sign is over his head. 2. The HIGH PRIESTESS: a woman holding the Documentation, closed and concealed. The crescent moon is showing on an Indigo behind her.. 3. The EMPEROR: Steve Jobs sitting on a NeXT cube, holding an optical disk vertically in his hand. 4. The EMPRESS: A secretary with a NeXT Machine. 5. The HEIROPHANT: Bill Gates with two flunkies kneeling before him, their faces averted, offering him floppy disks. He wears a laptop computer on his head. 6. The LOVERS: a PowerMAC and an IBM Power PC exchanging software as an angel bathed in glory regards them. 7. The CHARIOT: A man in a chariot, hurtling up an exponential curve, drawn by the twin sphinxes of Technology (black) and Culture (white). 8. STRENGTH: A woman holding the entire design and implementation of Microsoft Excel in her mind as she corrects the final error. An infinity sign is over her head. 9. The HERMIT: An old hacker, white-bearded, burns the midnight oil; its Star-of-David flame illuminates his keyboard. 10. The WHEEL OF FORTUNE: A rotating wheel. Cray is on the side going down, despite its good technology; Smalltalk is opposite it, and C++ is sitting on top. Four winged beings -- a mouse, a turtle, a dog-cow, and a human -- look on. 11. JUSTICE. A cold-faced woman holds a calculator in one hand and a delete-key in the other. 12. The HANGED MAN: A programmer is tied by his ankle to a cable duct. His phase is completely shifted: he awakens at sunset, he sleeps at dawn. His monitor is reverse-video. He programs on, flawlessly, oblivious to his circumstances. 13. DEATH: A skeleton wielding a scythe surveys a field, on which are scattered PDP-11s, Apple ]['s, IBM 360/91's, Xerox Alto's, and many other machines. 14. TEMPERANCE: An angel stands with one foot on her chair and one on the floor, as she copies files from one disk to another. A cursor blinks from her chest. 15. The DEVIL: The goat-headed Lord of the Pit stands on a pile of Windows manuals, holding an inverted torch in one hand. Two humans, male and female, are in chains at his feet. 16. The TOWER: An ivory tower is struck by a bolt of lightning. Two robed figures, denied tenure, are hurtled to the ground. 17. The STAR: A Mac is running its `warp' screen saver, in a transient fragile moment of peace. 18. The MOON: A wolf and a jackal are typing at two PC's. A crayfish crawls out of a pool, offering suggestions that may ultimately prove deadly. The moon shines through a window. 19. The SUN: A naked child riding a winged rocking horse programs clever applications on a high-quality workstation. 20. JUDGEMENT: An angel blows a trumpet; all over the net, web pages arise, to be rated Cool or not. 21. The WORLD: A woman dances on the clouds, unclothed, unencumbered, in a ring of clouds, a 3-d mouse in each hand. The four winged beings from the Wheel of Fortune surround her.

Tee Hee I just love this ..... (Tune: The Beverly Hillbillies by E. Scruggs) (Lyrical adaption by Hare) Now listen to the words of the Great Star Mother, In days long past called by one name or tuther, "I am your Mammy, Queen of Earth, Air, Fire, Sea, So you better quit your yappin' an' listen to me." (Isis that is, Astarte, Cerridwen) "Now y'all listen up, 'cause I'd hate to be a bitch, When we have our shindigs t'aint none should wear a stitch. Y'all will eat an' drink an' dance an' love, to show that you're free, 'Cause all acts of pleasure are sacred to me." (Skyclad that is, Great Rite, Cakes an' Wine) "If you wanna know my secrets, then look in your own hide, 'Cause if what you seek aint there, well, it won't be found outside. The greatest Mysteries t'aint really dread nor dire, I'm with you at the start, and at the end of desire." (That's right, listen to your heart. Y'all will come back now, y'hear?)

You may be a TechnoPagan if... If your athame has a SCSI interface... If your OBE's begin with a netsplit... If your priest robes conceal a pocket protector... If you calculate the phases of the moon with Windows '95... If your altar has a keyboard... If drawing down a circle is a POST (power on self test)... If you call the Watch Towers on your cell-tell... If you do most of your correspondence by email and sign off with Blessed Be... If you don't call it a ritual, you call it a Macro... If you end a circle with Ctl-Alt-Del... If you have ever attached ribbons to a May Pole using a staple gun... If you invite the God and Goddess to come online... If you keep a Disk of Shadows (with encrypted backups)... If you participate in online rituals more than you do FTF... If you refer to eclectic ritual as cross-platforming... If your Beltane ritual includes more than one news group... If your candles have batteries... If your cauldron is a crock-pot... If your deities include Murphy and Gates... If your drumming is done on a CD player (pre-recorded)... If your herbs are always mail-ordered (express, overnight)... If your idea of a great retreat has a Computer City, electricity, and a TV nearby... If your incense is by Glade... If your magic wand is a light pen... If your magical name, email address, and online name are all the same... If your magical writing is done in binary code or C++... If your pentacle is made of computer chips... If your technician compains about the wax and incense ash on your motherboard... If, instead of asking what tradition someone comes from, you ask what operating system they run... If your Yule ritual involves defragmentation... If your coven is spread over a 12,000 sq. mi. area... If your Book of Shadows has a 6-digit version number... If you refer to deities using 3-letter acronyms (ODN, LKI, THR)... If you do cord magick with ethernet... If you ritually down your server for Samhain... If your altar cloth is a mouse pad... If, when your quarter candles burn out, the UPS backup system kicks in... If erecting the temple entails formatting more than 4 disks... If casteing the circle changes an (int) to a (float)... If your Star Trek screen-saver signals when your meditation period is over... If your Beltane ritual includes more than one news group... If passing the cakes and ale entails using a /me command... If your search for truth involves regular expressions... If your familiar is a computer mouse... If you draw down the moon using a light-pen... If your cone of power has a surge suppressor... If your tarot cards multi-task... If your daemons collect news for you... If your crystal ball has a horizontal-hold control... If you refer to solitary practice as a stand alone... If you tap into the collective unconscious using Netscape... If your favorite deity has a homepage... If the address of your covenstead begins with http://... and finally, if your circle is a token ring... Well, you just might be a TechnoPagan!