Shauna heartsRickhearts's blog: "My Writings"

The weeks go by with drowning existence. And I’m still thirsting for something I couldn’t be the one to taste. Walking down a street just to forget that my legs are moving. Just to hear the leaves still crinkle as I walk. A noise to make sure I can still feel something between my bones. I crashed into the sun and broke up the solar system. And I can’t see mornings anymore without you. I hate the stars sometimes and wish for clouded nights. Just because I can’t erase them from your eyes. Just because symmetry isn’t the same when you’ve erased all the lines. I still forget to breathe and maybe I don’t want to. I rather listen to distance heartbreak just to remember that shatter. Faulting only me while tripping over the bridge. Feeling the adrenaline shock every nerve. Feeling what it felt like. What it feels like… To actually want to live. I noticed you on the highway crossing every destination. But never stopping for a purpose. Leaving every stitch of thread behind. I think you knew I broke the stars that night. As you reached up to grab a fallen constellation. I’m always going to be ok. But just for once I’d like to crash. To feel how hard I can break myself down. Jump off something and feel those last seconds. Counting down every minute of my life. Just to hope. That maybe you’d save me.

I miss talking like we used to. Where words meant everything. And we didn't have to hold up the constellations. Just so the stars wouldn't fall. Nothing makes any sense. Without the bliss of skin rubbing next to unidentified bones. And I'm so sick of silence. And how everything means nothing. I've been feeling crushed lately. Suffocating on the things I just couldn't bring myself to say. Wishing for a center alignment to show you that every piece is still here. But baby, let's just face the fact that we're both broken. I miss a lot of things these days. The way the rain falls down on these warm nights. And the way you twist my words into everything their not. I miss every mistake and every erase mark on the paper. Because all I wanted was for everything to be ok. but nothing's okay. when the sky shattered worse than my heart. and your hands couldn't let go of the door handle long enough to catch me. and it's still cold in my room. when the chill of your last words still lingers in my pillowcase like the death of something that was never anything to begin with. and i guess the stars choked on my wishes. And you put out the candle last night with whipsers. But I haven't heard your words in weeks the letters are still dripping from my fingertips. and something quiet is settling in. but never comfort. never. just this empty room and these overflowing journals Just a fragment left hanging on every star you couldn't catch me. Confused promises and lingering hope. I'm running out of ink to tell you. That I just can't breathe. because there are traces of you left in the air. and my lungs are still filled with tears. but i think i'll cry tomorrow because today, im still clinging to the sleeve of your coat even though you're already gone. im still hoping that being hopeless will get me somewhere.

This is to those who think they are alone, You are. This is to all those who think thier worst nightmares live under thier beds still, They do. This is to all those who fear to be alone, You will be. This is to all those who wish only for death, you will live forever. This is to those who crave life, your already dead. This is to all those who want freedom, Step out. This is to all those who disagree, Looks like you all agree. . . This is to all those who think I'm full of crap. . . F*CK YOU! And to all those who think I'm right.. . Follow your own damn path. .

::crawls to you .. whispers:: "it's time to let go" loosen this rope, step off this chair -time- to drop the lie :as my garments fall to touch my toes shrouding them with ruffles and lace placing my naked knees in disgrace: "-i t.r.i.e.d- to hide my face" in the burial ground of my palms which, have waited to witness my skin ... .. . C R A S H I N G against still waves of pavement releasing the scent of your selfish arms the reaper encircling the remains of me that "n.e.v.e.r B E L O N G E D to thee" nor thou to me neither did these secrets called clothe that leave me naked .. exposed -without them- n.o.t.h.i.n.g to hold but my visibly barren skin which i can peel away without the hindrance of your honeyed flesh caging mine all the sweetness you dote contains only the bitter taste of milk spoiled your due date has come and gone you've e.x.p.i.r.e.d -i cant weep- n o "i cant e.v.e.n shed a tear" over spilled milk -simply- sit back and watch as it .'drip' ..'drops' .'drip' ..'drops' to the floor reacquainting with my feet just as bare in its ruthless destination -V I O L A T I N G me- its obtrusive invasion against my skin m.o.c.k.i.n.g my hearts death with a splatter -cold .. s.o. .. v.e.r.y .. cold- like deaths fingers creeping 'round my neck beckoning my breath tentatively to escape yet .. so wet .. so white a river of dying angels growing at my feet ive spilled heaven so carelessly in the rapture of forsaking its embrace n o w d.r..i...p....p.....i......n.......g into puddles of expired innocence "No longer" shall i walk in this tragic river of love merely "attempt to" find satisfaction in this false breath "keep"ing "this dying corpse alive" "Im falling" onto weak knees even weaker hands dirty .. filled with unforgiving Sand that of time which i broke, the hour-glass now -only glass- ::shattered to pieces like stars upon my face: my hands my saviors stuffed these grains of time d.e.e.p into my dried abandoned lips -where it belonged- where senseless prayers could no longer be inhaled :coughing up granulets of sand instead of blood through cracked red rimmed eyes that could no longer cry without hope to try: "death awaits me now" with open hands and arms that neither light nor night could ever hold but which finally taught me h o w to let go -As I Lay Dying- releasing my final breath, my final lie perched on the arms of an angel made of stone that could not weep or moan for me as i "i'm sorry" My death it held me so still cradled in its wordless embrace Silence echoing more truths than sound ever had - i Smiled - :Even though my lips had not moved Would n.e.v.e.r move again: -i knew- :as silence spoke: I had -finally- let go

You said goodbye, allowing the word to slide from your tongue, making it obvious you'd said it before. Bent out-of-shape with departure, you leaving prematurely molded my already mangled vertebrae into never-ending knots. Walking on one hand and my head, I find it difficult to hold my chin up, preferring to shadow my eyes from the sun. Memory's distorted phantom, invisible within the dungeon of my brain, plays hop-scotch across thoughts and echoing moments. With the stone lying between "forever" and "always", you skipped over your promises and landed directly on "leave". As your glowing aura faded to mist, my deadened heart leaped from chest to concrete, splitting the way Humpty Dumpty must have. I've forgotten how to dream in techni-hued rainbows, though the black and white raindrops, falling from water-logged lashes, taste faintly of broken blooms and cold clouds. When you left, you took creativity with you. I suppose this explains why I'm spinning in squares and tramping down triangles. Vomiting words of worthless copper and exhausting my compulsive cliches, I wonder if we wander willingly or if we're just weather-whipped. My fantasies no longer favor my fate, squashing our fairytale love beneath the falling London Bridge. Racing Grandmother Turtle to save my life, I would lose to her on any given occasion, because (despite the weight of the world on her shell) I have nothing to run toward without you. Sickened with sadness and gloomy with grief, it pains me to ponder our powdered past [...but oh, how your smile put stars in my skin. The twinkling hues in the sky the night of the barbecue silhouetted your soul as you held me. The music from the one dance we shared still plays in my mind, although I've long since forgotten the tune. The gentle embrace of your arms on my waist still lingers, the bruises of your fingertips on my flesh. The love letters you wrote in the gazes we shared have faded, but that doesn't mean I don't remember your eyes. And oh, how you lit up my world with your cute dimpled cheeks; how I wish I had pinched one before you took your leave. The melodies you sang as we spoke on the phone took their debt, leaving my soul begging to hear one more song. But what pains me the most, in the glow of happy times past, are the fights that we never did solve. How I long to go back now and change the way our lives ended, how I long to go back now and see you again...] And I realize now that the blush in your eyes was nothing but gas that was passing me by, though I wish that your kiss was something you faked. But I know that wishing's for losers with guilt, and that stars are just lovers who've lost themselves to the war. And besides, my next birthday cake is dedicated to you, and you know that I'll blow every candle in order to show you I'm here. So tell me now, dear, and tell me this true: what is it about you that somehow pulls me through, and keeps me constantly longing to again be with you? Because I can't take much more of these spidery veins, and my memories have started to drive me insane; and besides, my rhyming cannot ever show you the depth of my pain. So stop me before I start; catch me in your net of lonely love and shove me in a jar. You know now that my feelings are not make-believe, so why don't you do what you've done in the past, and rip my heart from my chest to keep me from sliding too close? I just hope you make a decision and do something quick, because my soul is unravelling in your hands, and the threads that once held me have molded and broken. Just end my pain dear...tell me goodbye once again.

I could promise you forever as I stuttered through hellos we've said one too many times while avoiding the fallings of goodbye from our tangled, twisted tongues, but we both know promises snap like thread when faced with fates that might come true and I can't lie to you when your eyes are twinkling smiles across my cheeks. Truth be told, I don't know what to think when it seems that hearts fail just as easily as alcohol-dependent livers when words are whiplashed from the tonsils to break upon the eardrums, but at the same time that stars are shooting through the sky with all the couples torn apart by spiteful sentences, souls separated mere moments before the plunge have linked their fingers through someone else's palms and are claiming they have found eternity in the constellations of another's midnight canvas. And I don't know what to tell you when it would appear that moving on has become as simple as the art of adding two and two together, because arithmetic's laws have been rewritten, and while adding one and one always seems to give you two, subtracting one from two leaves you holding nothing more than the pieces of your shattered heart and the strings that once held you together. I don't know what to think when a stumble sometimes brings more than just your balance down, the air you pull into your lungs seems only to burn within your chest as if there's no place for it to go, and the world you see beyond your tears looks as if it cracks more and more each day, though there's nothing you could ever do to repair the way you've crumbled into heartdust and fairytales you've closed the pages on. I could sit here and promise you forever, vowing my pinkies to the sunsets of tomorrow that goodbye will not cross the boundaries of our lips so long as we meet each other in the middle, but I know that ribbons fray and tatter after too many years of use and what's the point in building up our hopes when the world has shown us time and time again that nothing but the galaxies stretch on until eternity and even those are bound to burn out and fade away? I could promise you forever, because that's the phrase my heart is screaming for me to let go of and let fly, but forever has never found it's way to us before... and you deserve more than a lie...

"Don't remember me in daisy-dream dresses, reality-wrecked trails of mascara, and the utterings of star-stapled syllables," I want to growl beneath my breath as the world spins me insane with monsters that thrive on the shadows of anger and hearts that quit beating decades ago (when a thousand goodbyes have speckled my dimples depressed and left me pondering how it could be that the sunrises of tomorrow promise nothing new) "Don't recall me in tones that don't fit me, make-believing I'm worth more than a dust-monkey's tail when my lips have dropped nothing but lies," I want to share with the ears that will listen as I'm stripped of all will to survive the storm beneath shoulders weighed down with echoing heartaches and paranoias of the creatures that lurk in the past (because I lose my breath when the nightwhispers start, and I can't hear myself in silences if I've been blinded by unmovable hands) "Don't you dare bring back the galaxies in my eyes with the flutterings of melodies you'll never feel and paper signatures that mean only that you have permission to break your words later," I want to shove through everyone's teeth, because the world's mixing fantasies into memory's constellations and striving to suffocate me with smiles I've gotten used to forcing and wishes I just can't let fall from my twirling tongue (and I'm scraping chewed fingernails down the skin on my chest, hoping to rip open a crater I can reach into to pull my deadened soul from my burning lungs, because I've never perfected the art of letting go and I've been holding my breath for too long) "Please don't drag me back into the blood in your veins with lullabyed dreamscapes of worlds you'll never understand, wide-eyed ponderings of eternities you'll never touch with trembling fingers, and the musings of mumbling magics that cross your eyelashes only at the ticking seconds of sunset, because I'm nothing but a mechanical heart that won't ever grasp the reasons you're trying so desperately to make me swallow down," and I'm crying tears that freeze upon my face as asteroids impact the planets behind my skull and a million people chant in unison that my world is bound to throw itself off a cliff soon should I refuse to look at things their way (and the shadows at my back realize that the fight is only just starting, because I'll never look at things the way the world seems to be destined to make me)

At the time I love you more than words could say, I wanted to be with you all the time, But when I was with you, You hurt me, In more ways than one; I wanted to talk to you every chance I got, But when I did talk to you, You put me down, Made me feel as low as possible; I wanted to gush about you to my friends, But when I talked about you, I could only talk of the pain, The way I felt; You said I was your best friend, I wish I could say the same for you, You say I’m the best thing that’s ever happened to you, And I wondered why we were so unhappy, You say you love me, I ask myself where I lost that feeling, You say you were happiest with me, I think of how miserable I was, You saw this coming all along, Yet you still left; You didn’t change anything, You didn’t treat me any better, Didn’t even try to prevent it from happening, Not that you could have anyways; You were the best I’d ever had, But I was seventeen, What did I know? I didn’t know what love really was, I didn’t know about heartache; I ignored everything, Thinking love would conquer all, Forgetting that along with love there had to be some like, Once the love was gone what was there? Nothing, Nothing at all; Had I gone slower I might have saved us, Maybe there wouldn’t have been heartache, Regret, Or pain, Maybe we could’ve stopped it before it began; Things have been taken from me that I can’t get back, Things I wish I still had, I gave you so much and I wish I never would have, The regret will eat me inside forever; You burned me so much, So much that I’m scarred, Calloused, And I don’t have the feeling anymore; I tried to protect myself time and time again, You never listened to me though, Never took me seriously, And now it’s too late; Knowing that everything happens for a reason is helping, Even if I’ve lost something I can’t get back, You taught me things, You shaped me, I know I’d be s different person without you, Yet sometimes I wonder if life would’ve been better; I wish I would’ve done things differently, I wouldn’t have fallen, I would’ve stayed skeptical, And I wouldn’t have given myself to you; Just because of that I doubt we would’ve been together, Long distance is too hard, And you’d never move here if you weren’t going to get a piece, That right there would’ve made me put the breaks on, But I didn’t do it that way; I fell for you, Put blinders up, And let you lead me places I shouldn’t have gone; Had you lived here from the beginning, It would’ve been different, So different, I doubt I would’ve talked to you, Let alone date you; Now that we’re nothing more, I’m relieved, But I don’t feel much more than that, I’ve felt single for so long, Without really being single, I’ve made my peace with it, Haven’t shed any tears over it, And can’t honestly remember why I did in the first place; I sound like nothing more than a bitch, But I can not deny my feelings, Or lack thereof; I don’t know what happened, I don’t know why I stopped loving you, Or if I ever really had that deep love I thought I had; I don’t feel bad for leaving you, I feel bad for being with you, For hurting you, For hurting myself; I regret believing it was all okay, Not seeing the light, Not getting out before someone got hurt, Now I’ve been hurt so much that I’m numb, And I’ve left you devastated; Staying with you when there was no love is worse, It wouldn’t have been fair to you or me, I still believe we have soul mates, I just don’t think that we are each other’s, Surely soul mates wouldn’t hurt each other so much, Wouldn’t lie to each other, Wouldn’t treat each other so bad; You deserve someone who loves you, I deserve to be happy, It’s as simple as that; We weren’t getting it from each other, As much as you deny it, We weren’t, What is the point in going nowhere? So I’m saying good bye, I’m letting you go, I’m saving myself, I’m breaking up with you.