Craftmaker Melly's blog: "my whole world"

I just re-read an old email from an ex bf. A man I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with. One I thought really actually loved me. I was proven wrong when he emailed me accusing me of alot of junk. Maybe he wasnt so wrong. Not totally anyways. I would never lie or use him like he thought. But, maybe he is right that I belong alone. There is a man right now thats very dear to my heart. But maybe its best for the guy if I let him go. Ill probably just mess up his life to. It seems to be what I do when I find a wonderful man. I always find some way to mess it all up and hurt the man I care the most about. So, taking the advice of a man that seems to know me better then I first thought. Maybe it is time I let go of men once and for all. Maybe I should just stay single the rest of my life. Its better then messing up another wonderful mans life.

My heart is tearing. Why does it have to be hurting so bad? Why cant we just patch things up and love each other again? There once was a time when you put a smile on my face now theres a tear in my eye. My heart feels like its all over the floor. I dont like feeling like this. I miss the joy you brought into my life. I couldnt stop thinking about you all the wonderful times we was having together. Now I cant stop thinking about you. I cant stop wishing we could get those wonderful times back. I really thought you was the one. I really thought my search was finally over. I didnt realise my search would find me alone and a heart fallen to pieces. I didnt know love until you came into my life. I lived when you loved me I died when I lost you. For the past 3 days my eye got raw from me wripping the tear away from being so tired. Now my face is soaked with tears of heart ache and pain. I will forever love you. My heart will forever hurt by the loss of you and the love we shared. Oh how I would give anything to have your love back.

This is the last time my whole world falls apart. I fall in love with an amazing man and i go to tell him how i feel and i end up losing him over it. This pain is not worth it. I wont be going threw this again. I realize once and for all im not loveable. I cant be loved so I'm going to stop trying. Maybe I should have stoped before this last time maybe a wonderful guy wouldnt have gotten hurt. I went into this relationship knowing I wasnt loveable. I should have stayed away and protected him from the same pain. I thought maybe it was the guys I've been choosing. Maybe I am loveable just hadnt found the right guy yet. Well, they say you always go with your heart the first time. They are right, dont ever second guess yourself when it comes to the heart. I was right the first time. Im not loveable never have been and never will be. If I had just admited it sooner then a wonderful guy wouldnt have gotten hurt to. But, I wont be making this mistake again. I refuse to not only feel this pain again myself. But, I also refuse to let another sweet man get hurt. Im not loveable oh well no big deal. Moving on with my life alone now.

I met this amazing man and started to fall in love with him. Well once again ive been proven im unloveable. It looks like im losing him already. I dont want to he is my whole world. I just dont know what to do to keep him. Everytime I fall in love it ends badly. But this time I thought it was different. I felt something different with this man then I ever have with any other man before. We have so many things in common. Ive even stayed up late to talk to him. My body cant handle it like it use to be able to. But he is totally worth it I dont regret any lost sleep because it was spent getting to know him better. I would do anything to protect him and to show him how much he means to me. He is the sweetest most romantic man I've ever met. He makes me feel more special then any man ever has. I dont know what I will do if I lose this man. I really wish I knew what to do to keep him. I've been saying hes my whole world my heart. I meant it every single time. Ive never meant it more then I did/do with him.