Helsinki Vampire's blog: "My Thoughts and More..."

Yeah. We have no water pressure and if they don't hurry up and get things done...then I won't be able to go to work because I won't be able to take a shower and there is no way I'm going to work without taking a shower. That's just wrong. Freaking jerks having to lay new water pipes is just an inconvience. *grumbles*

I am officially registered to go back to school. HOT DOG!!!!!!!!! Yes. I decided that it was going to be official. I'm excited yes. And you know what...I'm going to be studying Business Office Technology as the diploma but specialize in Business Office Specialist :) It's a 5 quarter program but since I have to do all the other things to get caught up to the level of math and english that I need...it will probably take longer. Soo...I'm looking at maybe a two and a half to three year deal. :) I have already bought my backpack and purchased all my school supplies :) and I have the diskettes that I need. :) I however still need to buy a couple more things like erasers for math...white out, and a few other things including an assignment book. :) I'm excited. Though school doesn't start til october it doesn't hurt to stock up now :) and I just hope that I get all the finanical aid i need without having to pay it all the heck back :) Got to run Laterz

Wow. Was it awesome!!!! At first we had third row for Night Kills The Day who was very very awesome. Then on Fair to Midland it was alright. The dude was like fucked up. Jumping from a forty foot drop from the speakers. Retard. They sucked majorly. Then there was Wednesday 13 and oh were they awesome. Finally, it was time for The 69 Eyes. My friend Jesse shoved me to the front and I literally was pressed against the security fence. I was in touching distance of the band the whole time. I was loving it. Jyrki deep throated his microphone and nearly sent me to the floor like that. *laughs* I purchased the autographed cd so that I could meet the band and I did. I met Jyrki, reminded him about him dedicating Star of Fate to me and he remembered and thanked me for giving him inspiration again. And asked me how I liked the song and I told him I loved it.. After our picture with the band, I got to hug and kiss the man. I was like woooooooooooooow. So I've been on cloud nine in that manner but not so much as in others. My boyfriend Teddy's mother passed away yesterday and I want so bad to be there for him. He needs me. I know he does. I'll give you more info on that as I go. But for now...I'm goign to work.

Okay so I went to work today and everything was fine. My hand/wrist hurt a bit but nothing a little tylenol couldn't heal. I had to go with Aunt Judy today to take Kayleigh to a friends house for a party >.< When we returned I finished watching the movie "Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion The Witch and The Wardrobe." It was a really great movie. I went walking today and if Aunt Judy and Uncle Howard had kept going I would have lapped them because I passed them anyways. I did my 6 laps. I talked to Selina today and asked to be worked strictly nights and she said that I could and even thanked me for it because they needed more people for night shift. It's easier on me because I won't get confused about when I'm closing and such. I thought about something. I'm going to try really really hard at setting aside as much money as I can for my future wedding to Teddy. I want to be able to ride away in a stretch limo. I want everything to be perfect and I don't want everyone hustling and bustling and stressing out like Elisha and Andrew did. Poor girl. I thought she was going to pull her hair out. And not to mention it takes two people to make a wedding happen. I don't want anyone to have to stress. I want everyone to be able to help out but not stress out and pull my hair out. I'm hoping that by switching to Night shift at work, that I will just be smart enough to leave early for work. For example since I work 5-11 tomorrow night, I want to leave around 2:30pm and get there at about 3:15 pm and I can do my six laps there for a total of three miles. By switching to nightshift this makes things even more easier because I can sleep later and stay up later and such to make sure I have plenty of sleep before I go to work. I got Teddy's father's day gift ordered. I hope he likes it. He got me somethign for mother's day but I don't know what. *laughs* I think when I get my taxes back next year, I'll send like $100.00 to my Direct Loans Student Loan, I'll put like $300 or $400 into my little bank, and then the rest I'll do whatever with. I'll probably need a new spring wardrobe since I'm walking. *laughs again* Who knows. I definately want me and Teddy to have the perfect wedding. Outside, on a beach, at night, with a beautiful moon. Some torches scattered here and there to keep it a little on the lit side. I want to be in my white dress, him in a white tux. His groomsmen in black tuxes with Silver accessories. My girls in silver dresses. And the reception will be indoors somewhere. That's where the deep dark Navy Blue will come it. I want that blue to be almost black. Midnight Blue is what they call it. The blue won't come in until the reception though. Yeah that's what I want. The theme is called "Enchanted Moonlit Night." That is where the Extremely dark navy blue comes in. It's to resemble the sky or well I could do all black. Doesn't matter. These past few days when I started walking again, I felt like giving up, but then there's this feeling that slides over me that is like Teddy running his hand down my arm encouraging me to go further. My goal is to continue walking everyday to get ready to walk up Stone Mountain. I want to walk that mountain with Teddy and his friends and my friends. I don't care what else happens that day so long as I make it up that mountain. Then I'm going to continue to walk everyday to prove that doctor of mine wrong. SO VERY WRONG!!! Eh alright this is enough for now. I probably talked your brains to death. Laterz

Sometimes I want to just give up on this whole thing with Teddy. But then last night Rose called me. She knew something wasn't right. As in I hadn't eaten anything and was trying to go to bed without it. She called to check in on me and I told her that I hadn't ate yet and was trying to go to bed and she told me to go eat so I did. Now mind you that wasn't because of Teddy. I just simply wasn't in the mood to eat you know. Yes it's been 1 week and two days and I miss the boy like crazy. But Rose said he's slammed with classes. Like seven a day. He's simply wearing himself down. I love Teddy with all my heart but...I'm worried about his well being too. Rose also said he has a few surprises up his sleeve and she won't tell me which is a good thing. Cause I tested her last night. :) I failed. She passed. *laughs* Anyways I'm going to go. I have to go to work very soon.

I had hoped last night that when I got home that Teddy would be online but I guess my little wish didn't happen. Last night at work, I almost cried because I miss him so much. I almost cried on the way home and I almost cried here at the house. But I kept telling myself "Angel's Don't Cry." It's just getting harder and harder to survive each day without knowing if he's okay, what he's thinking or simply talking to him. I almost had the urge last night to just drive down there. But I didn't because again I'm too damned scared to go pass Monticello and pass Panola road. I'm useless. I don't know how I'm making it through this. Stephen needs to hurry up and get back to campus. *sigh* It's not fair really. I think I'll go and read my book now. I'm getting down in the dumps. I just want him so bad. I want to be in his arms. I want to hear from him. I want...I want so bad to just talk to him. I'd give anything. Anything at all....

Man I can't believe its been an actual week since I last talked to Teddy. It'd be nice if his dorm mate came home from vacation tonight so that I could talk to Teddy tomorrow or something. But if not...I can deal with another week I think. I mean I've been holding together rather well actually. I haven't shed the first tear because I have kept myself busy. No this doesn't mean that he hasn't been on my mind. Goddess knows that he's been on my mind all the time. Anything and everything. I wrote him a letter and even bought him a card yesterday letting him know that I miss him terribly. See I can over come alot of things. I believe he's staying down in Florida at Florida State University. I think since his month is up this friday or whenever that he's going to end up staying there til he's done with college. I just...want to be with him. I want to start my life with him. I want to be with him and wake up to him every day of my life. I want us to be finally complete. It's getting harder and harder for him to keep secrets from me. That's how much we're connected. Just goes to show that we're meant to be together. Someone was asking me how I know that he's my soul mate and I told them that its the only way if we're sharing dreams about me holding a little 3 month old baby girl named Grace. Not to mention I can't hardly explain how I know he's my soul mate. I have exactly two months to get my butt in shape before he comes down. My problem...I can't stay on track. :) Anyways this is all I have for now.

Well I have enjoyed myself today. I did my yard sale today and made $41.00 total. I was so happy but I'm also sending ten dollars in on a bill :) My little brother bought stakes and brought them down and we grilled out. I had steak baked potato salad sweet tea and a brownie. It was yummy. I couldn't sell the blue dress that I have because I was told that Teddy would kill me if I did so I kept it only for him. :) How I truely miss him. I wish that I could talk to him. I'd give my sunburns away just to be able to talk to him. Yeah I got sunburned at the yardsale. Me and Mandy stayed there for like nine hours. >.< My upper thighs, my forearms, my face and my right side of my neck are burnt...the left side of my face and neck are just tender but the left side of the face is burnt too not as bad as the right. I'm hoping to be a big tight wad and not spend anymoney on myself. Try to build my checking account up. If I can help it I am going to try not to go under seventy dollars this first week. If I can make it to where I don't go under fifty by the time I get paid...I'll be doing dandy. I'll be getting better. I'm going to do another yard sale on the 5th of May with my aunt...but my friend mandy will be in it too and she will be holding my money.

Still holding up rather well. I've been rather happy. Making myself busy with other things. Like today, I'm going to Covington to an Antique Mall with my friend Mandy to do a yardsale. No I'm not selling a very special dress that means the world to Teddy. Even though I would not have any other reason to wear it... So by keeping myself occupied I'm less likely to get down in the dumps and cry or something. I'm not saying I don't miss Teddy or that I don't love him. I do miss him and I definately love him, it's just that...I don't need to cry all the time. Anyways...off to make a little extra cash

Okay so The Family and Children's services just called to do some kind of damned follow up. She questioned as to why I wanted emergency medicaid and when I told her she made me feel like shit. And I told her that just because I was a citizen and didn't have a child didn't mean that they could discriminate against me. She said that my diabeties wasn't a life or death situation. 6 shots a day...I wonder what would be considered life and death. And I told her "The government doesn't care about us." and she was like yes we do. I said no because if you did you'd help me. "I am helping you ma'am. I'm going to help you get prescriptions that you need." I was like I need the insulin pump not prescriptions. So I hung up on her because she had me in tears from where she was being rude and ugly to me. I even wrote to the president but I doubt that would help. So I'm sitting here crying my little eyes out because I fear that my diabeties will get the best of me. Those of you who try to go through the government...don't...They'll screw you over. They'll make you angry, upset, and hurt your feelings making you feel like a worthless piece of shit. I do not ever wish this on anyone. It's hell on my life. I'm just scared that if I don't get it undercontrol that I won't be able to have children. I'm so scared. And Teddy has no way to contact me and I'm at my wits ends. I can't take it anymore. I really can't.