SUPERMAN's blog: "My ramblings....."

If you read my last blog then you will understand this and if you didn't well then go back and read it so you can understand this. If you are just too damn lazy to read it then let me try to make this one easy enough so that you won't have to go back to the previous one. In it I talked about new beginnings and what may lie on the other side of a newly opened door. The only way you can find out is by stepping through and finding out..blah blah blah....just go read it. I stepped through that open door and found paradise. I am truly in heaven now and I have never been happier in my life. Even though I am not a go-billionaire I have everything I could ever want in my life right now. I found out that once you experience true happiness in a relationship nothing can best it. I know it took me a while to get things together within myself and find out what it was I wanted in life and now that I know, everything is falling into place. I can't believe I missed out on this all these years. The only other time I remember feeling this was when my kids were being born. I am just happy to have my family together and well. Advice to all you guys who say you love your woman and you want to marry her and spend your life with her: Make damn sure you have everything you want to do (that does not include her) out of your system. This includes everything from going on trips with your buddies to Mexico or Corpus Christi or smoking weed all day and having threesomes with strangers or getting a bike and riding it like a damn fool or even something as simple as going to strip clubs or even watching straight porn and jerking off with your buddy in the same room (hey it's been done by some). Whatever your drug is or your addiction just make sure you get it out before you make a commitment to break her heart. Once you do that it may take you forever to get her back or you just may not be as lucky as I have been. I am happy and there is nothing that I or anyone else can do to make me screw it up again.

What do you do when something is over? How do you start again? What if you don't want it to end? How do you repair the damage you have caused? How do you help a broken heart to mend? How do you keep from making the same mistakes as you did before? How do you close one chapter in your life and find an open door? How do you prove that you finally see the light? How do show someone that you can actually do things right? How do keep from making the same bad choices? How do you ignore all the negative voices? How can you show that you love someone? How do you change their heart when they say they are done? You can't. You just find a new begining. Every begining has an end. Every end means a new begining. Sometimes you have to take the only door you are given and just walk through it. There is no certainty as to what will be on the other side but if you don't step through you will never know. I am about to walk through a door into what I hope will be the begining of something good. It is a step that I don't want to make but it may be the best thing I can do for everyone involved. If you love something you must set it free and let it grow. In the end it may remember your good deed and come back to you. I am ready for this new begining. I just hope it doesn't mean the end of me.

Have you ever wondered what would happen if you just vanished? I don't mean like someone kidnapped you or anything like that. I mean if you just took off. I have often wondered about it when the opportunity presents itself to me. For instance, when you go to the store for some milk or bread or you go to the restroom in a department store. It won't be as effective if you live by yourself and it's the weekend and no one is expecting your call or for you to come over. It will only work when someone will be looking for you within the next few minutes or maybe ten minutes. Have you ever thought, maybe I could just go and never come back? Start my life over somewhere else where no one knows who I am. You can't take your car or your money or even your purse or wallet. No I.D or credit cards or anything. I have often thought about it. Where would I go and what I could do for money? What alias would I use? What background story would I tell people? Would I change my age? My appearance? Would it even be that hard for someone to find me if I just lived out on the open road? How long could I be out there before someone said hey, you're that guy on the news or I saw your picture in the paper the other day? I had this experience the other day at work and it really made me think about it. I was working in an area of the shop that had two exit doors on each end of it away from my other co-workers and I thought, I could just leave and no one would know until they came to get me for break. I could have just walked out the door and kept going. Never to look back. I would not have to take my car, my money, just the clothes on my back. I could work for cash. I could tell people my name was Shane or Eric or hell even Juan Carlos. No one would know me. I could go to Califonia or Canada or Mexico or even Amish country. Hey, I could learn to build furniture. I could go to a reservation and smoke the peace pipe and no one could touch me. Have you ever had that type of thought? I do. Sometimes I day dream of all the places I could go and things I could do just because I have no where else to be. I think about how I would sleep under the stars unless it's raining then I would sleep under someones truck until they drove away and left me in the pouring rain again. I always end up having a good time in my mind but I know that eventually just like everyone else who hides or runs from the law in this manner I would be found or end up in jail for stealing food or just end up dead. I wonder how long you would have to be missing before you are legally declaired dead? If you are declaired dead then go home, is all of your past still gone with you (credit, name, social security #, etc.) or does it all come back? I just want to go sometimes but then I think about my family and how much it would hurt them and I very quickly change my mind and come back to reality. I guess you could say they are the only thing keeping me here. Keeping me in this place. Keeping me from being under a truck in the pouring rain or in a bar drunk or in Canada or dead. I realize I have a reason to be here and not run away. It really is sort of silly when you think about it. But have you ever thought about it?

Ok, I know I have done some things in my life that I shouldn't have done. I have stolen things from people and talked about people behind their backs. I have cheated on tests and lie to teachers. I have broken into peoples houses and ate food from their refrigerator and then taken a nap in their bed. I have looted from parked cars on the side of the street and from peoples driveways. I have stolen things from little kids and have skipped school to play rambo. I have run away from home when I was not supposed to go anywhere. I have wathed other people do things that I should not have and I have helped people do things that I should not have. I have abused people in ways that I am not proud of and I have stood by while others have been abused when I possibly could have done something to stop it. I have said things to people intentionally to hurt their feeliings and lied to them to get my own way. I have used people in ways that no one should and I have turned away from those that cared about me the most. I am the one who wants everyone to know of the wonderful things I can do and have done. I want everyone to know that I am in the room and have stopped to look at myself in the looking glass for reasons that I shouldn't, (PRIDE). I wish I had the things that others posess, (ENVY). I eat like a pig all the time taking more than I should, (GLUTONY). I want to have sex with just about every beautiful woman I see, (LUST). I am always in a bad mood and have lots of anger built up inside of me, (WRATH). I want to have all that I can get my hands on, money, cars, etc., (GREED). I should get up and go to church and prayer on a weekly basis and do the things that are proper for my physical and spiritual health, but I don't. (SLOTH). I don't believe that I am better than God . I am by no means anywhere in the same galazy, universe or wrealm as him for that matter nor do I compare myself to him. He is the all powerful and I am here to serve him but I have commited all of these sins in some way or another. These are all things that can way on your mind and cause you to feel remorse and feel the need to ask for forgiveness. You should. The thing that I feel the most remorse for doing is the one thing that has and will haunt me till my end days. I have broken the hearts of the two women in my life that would have given anything for me. I had one that I gave up for the other and that one I gave up for nothing. I am stupid. I have cheated and lied and walked out and there is nothing that I can do to unwind that clock. Once you break the heart of a woman you have sinned almost as bad as the seven spoken of previously in my opinion. There is nothing you can do to stop the pain that is going and will continue to go thru. Time can heal alot but it can only do so much. You can be a perfect angel to her and treat her like a queen until you die but I promise you even in your death she will think about the time you broke her heart and she will for a split second feel that all over again. It may not be as bad as it was originally and the details may be a little fuzzy but she will remember that you broke her heart. She may forgive you but she will never forget. As someone who has done this I am getting what I have given. I am reaping what I soe. It doesn't feel good. It is not a feeling that I would wish upon anyone. Your worst enemy would beg for you to forgive them and take it back if you cast this spell upon them. This feeling only gets into your soul if you are truly in love with someone. You can only imagine this pain if you know in your heart that you have met and hurt one of your soul mates in life. I have hurt one of mine very deeply and now I must face the consiquences of those actions. I have a very long road ahead of me and it is completely up to her as to how long I stay on this road but that is a trip that I must make if I want to get to the end destination. Wish me luck in travels.

I don't have anything at the moment to write about specifically I just wanted to write. I feel as though my audience needs something to read or they will get bored and tune into some other station and then I will have no listners. I really miss having my close friends around. The very few that I have. Ok that does it, everyone that knows me MUST move to Chicago now. Oh come on, this is the most awesome city that I have ever been to. So what if I haven't really been to many other big cities like this but that doesn't change the fact that this IS an awesome ass city. It's just hard to make new friends when you work at night and sleep all day and have kids. Don't think that I'm blaming my children for me not being able to go out and make friends it's just that it's not as easy when you have kids. I would rather spend time with my kids anyway so that puts it on me and not them. I love my kids and would give my life for them without question so it should be a given that I would give up any type of social life for them. It just makes it lonely when they are at school or asleep. Some of you may be wondering why then did I move up here? Well, I came up here in 1998 and stayed for about a year and just found someplace that I could call home. It took me a long time to make it back but I'm here and I don't plan on leaving any time soon. People should come here to visit sometime during the summer and just see how beautiful it is up here. Even if you don't move up here you should at least come visit. That is all I have to say about nothing for the moment. Ya'll come back now, ya hear......