Swan's blog: "my poems and ideas kinda emo lol!!!"

To see a happy, orderly crowd in your dream, denotes assured happiness, pleasant friends and opportunities for advancement. To see a group in your dream, refers to the merging of various aspects of your character and personality. To dream that you are looking through a two-way mirror, indicates that you are coming face to face with some inner or worldly issue. What you see is related to your persona and unconscious. Seeing images through the mirror may be a safe way for you to consider and/or confront material from your unconscious. Mirrors symbolize the imagination and a link between the conscious and unconscious. To dream that you are bewildered, indicates that you are stuck in the middle between two opposing views. It represents your indecision and your inability to make up your mind. Such dreams often reflect your waking state of confusion and shock. To dream that you have been betrayed, represents your suspicions about a particular person, relationship or situation. This dream often occurs when you are having feelings of insecurity and are faced with major commitments in your life at the same time. To dream that you are being attacked by someone, signifies questions on your character and the need for you to defend yourself. You are feeling stressed, vulnerable and helpless. You may also be faced with difficult changed in your waking life. To see a dark, eerie or confining room, denotes that that you feel trapped or repressed in a situation. To dream of broken bones, signifies that you have discovered or realized that there is a weakness in your plans or in your thinking. Your dream may call for you immediate attention to a particular situation or relationship To see a body in a coffin, signifies that you will be going through a period of depression. You may feel confined, restricted and lack personal freedom. There may be a dead or decaying situation or issue in your life and this dream is calling attention to it. It is time to end this situation or relationship. To dream that you are paralyzed, may reflect the current state of your body while you are dreaming. During the REM state of sleep you really are immobile and paralyzed. However symbolically, dreaming that you are paralyzed may mean you are feeling helpless or pinned down in some aspect or circumstances of your waking life. You may feel unable to deal with a situation or that you can't do or change anything. Alternatively, you may feel emotionally paralyzed. You may have difficulties in expressing yourself. To dream that you are crying, signifies a release of negative emotions that is more likely caused by some waking situation rather than the events of the dream itself. Your dream is a way to regain some emotional balance and a way to safely let out your fears and frustrations. In our daily lives, we tend to ignore, deny, or repress our feelings. But in our dream state, our defense mechanisms are no longer on guard and thus allow for the release of such emotions.

I've really been thinking lately, and the more I think the more it bugs me. I use to never think like this, but now I do all the time. It use to be just every so often, then a few times a month, a week, a day, an hour, a minute. No now it's every second. A question that I will never answer myself, will I die alone? I can't even take a fucking breath in and out with out it passing through my mind at least 10 times. I start to let it run over and over again like a broken record. Filling my mind and drowning my soul in its evil ways, I get caught almost panting. It torments my soul all during the day. Even at night I can't sleep peacefully without it coming and crushing me, whispering in my ear "yes". I just want it to go away and let me live my life without it harassing me, that one thought. Since last March everything has been going downhill in my life. I think that's the first time I have ever been mentally hurt so bad that my body ached and freeze up in seizures. I lost some hair for a while, but it started to grow back. Its not as thick as it was before though. I would rather get into another car accident like I had in 2004 and die rather than to go thru with that again. Kudos to him, he almost killed me with a few words. That takes some talent, and a while to get to me like that. Yea I have had bad times before, but I was able to keep it together. I cannot do that anymore. That's when it started. The first time I thought of it a quick breeze went thru my hair. Standing there I heard a small whistle in the wind "yes". "Naw" I would tell myself, but deep inside I knew, I just would never let it show. Time passes by, seasons change, and so do people, the news, gas prices and my lip gloss color. Only one thing remains the same, this thought, how weak it makes me feel, and how God damn right it is. After 22 years of marriage my parents are divorcing. They said they never loved each other; they just did it for us "kids". What a waste of 22 years, what a lie to carry for so long. Hell, I was the first-born; it must be my entire fault like my dad said all along. I fucked up his life and he's been waiting for the day that he gets his justice. Wow. I must have been one powerful sperm with ESP or some shit. No its not my fault, I didn't make you two do the deed. You did that yourself. Maybe it's not even about me being born that makes it my fault. Maybe it's something else. I'll never know what it is though. Yes, yes, yes, yes. That's all I hear in my mind, and the more I hear it, the more I experience, the more I'm starting to believe it. My dreams have been so dark lately. The one I've been having the most is kinda awkward to tell. I'm standing in a room surrounded by people I know. Laughing, having a great time. Then I look over at a mirror and see my reflection. There are no people surrounding me smiling, sharing stories and secrets, hugs and kisses. It's me standing by myself in a dark space. In my dream I approach the mirror and look closer. In my reflection I have my arms crossed over my chest and I'm bruised and crying, no body there for me. I turn away from the mirror in disbelief of what I had just seen to find everyone standing behind me looking at me, hands in fists, no smiles on their faces. Only look I see is pure disgust. I look at them so confused, so naïve. What has happened? Is it me? What did I do? Can I fix it? Will you forgive me? That's when I receive the first blow. They all start to throw punches at me until I black out. I wake up laying flat in my back in total darkness. I try to sit up but can't. I'm blocked in on all sides by wood. As my eyes adjust a little more to the dark I realize what's happening. Above me isn't wood but a mirror with my reflection in it, the same one as before. My arms are crosses, I'm covered in blood, bruised, beaten to a pulp. I can't move, every bone in my body is broken. I am in a coffin closed up and secured. No way out. All I can do is lay there, look at myself and cry. "Yes". I know. It is going to be there forever, that dyer fact. That one thing I cannot escape from. It follows me to every happy place I go. I absorb more thru every hug. In the shadows it follows me. Each breath I take it boggles me down with its enormity. I will never escape it. Yes. Yes!! YES!!!! It's the answer to my question... please say it isn't so. I will die alone

To all my friends that I know To everyone I greet I ask now that you please listen Take a breath, take a seat Life is overwhelming Unfair with great stakes This is why I write this The reason I'm about to break I've tried so hard to be my best And to do what is right Do good in school, surpass, And keep looking bright I have done these things As best that I can But somehow along the way I've lost the person who is Sueann Who am I? What was I before? I can't help but want to turn And walk out the door People are so cruel No nice things to say These are people that I've helped Along the path I've paved Why do they call me names? After I've helped feed them And hold them real tight What do they intend? I can't help anyone anymore Ill just lie here Cold and broken On the floor This is where the last person left me And where I will stay I have no more purpose Just to wait and pay All I did was good But all I got was bad Life was short and unfair And I gave it all I had To all of those who know me Or I've helped through the years Die you stupid bitches You made me shed my dying tear

I don't understand what happened. I thought everything was fine. I was in love, never happier than any other time I believe. I had the best thing in the world, my babe, my love, my one my only. Yea long distance is a bitch to deal with, no warm hand to suddenly grab your hand. No wet lips pressed against your cheek. No cuddleing in eachother's jackets when its cold. No funny faces that make you laugh till your stomach hurts then a tight hug and an "I love you" whispered into your ear. No, none of that. Your lonely as fuck. Everyone else has their person with them, doing all of those things that make me swoon. I stand against the wall ignoring them, waiting for a phone call, waiting to be happy. When your friends ask you to party with them, you don't, just because they want you to go with a guy, or they know someone will like you. " I'm happy with mine." Of course they'd always say that's ok, but really they hate the idea of me being alone, against the wall, waiting for a phone call, now what seems like i was being suckered in. God damnit I feel like a fool!!! Why, when? I just don't get it. I love him and I thought he loved me. I want to drink a poison to kill myself, but that will not do me any good. Sadly, there is no antidote for a heartbreak, because that's what I have, and that's what I need. My God, have i forsaken you?! Did I have this coming to me? Is this what you want?? If so you Fucking Suck! maybe I did adore him too much and maybe i looked up to him too much and yea maybe i'd do anything for him. But why the fuck turn him against me? I want to watch everything die. i don't know rather to hate him or to hate myself. Maybe i did do something wrong. I fucked up?! I fucked up? Yea, i fucked up. I should have been out there a long time ago, or I shouldn't have been so dependent on him like a drug, or i should have never been so stupid to go thru with something like this for so long. I DON'T FUCKEN KNOW! I dont know if I can forgive another let alone forget. What if I forgive him and it happens again? I'll snap. I want to be with him for the rest of my life, but I also have to be happy. Shit he drives me so insane I can't stop thinking about him, I don't know if I should call and talk or not. Should I just delete the numbers? I can't forget those either, i got them memorized. what good is deleting them? Whatver happens let me rest peacefully tonight, and carry on my sorrows tomorrow...

12:47 AM - How It feels to Die Current mood: Lost Category: Lost Romance and Relationships March 23rd, 2006 I died... How quickly your dreams, your feelings, your plans for the future, your ambitions, your heart and soul, can be taken away from you. Life is like having a dream store full of puzzles, each part of your life fits together with eachother. You start making these , these beautiful puzzles that many people wish they could do. And then they are all destroyed. It's just like having a bomb dropped on you. My God, the worst part is I did't see it coming!!! The Japanese during WWII at lease heard and seen the planes come and drop the bomb on Hiroshima. I had a stealth plane, disguised as a swallow, swoop right down and land on my shoulder, drop the bomb, and watched me go into a million peices. I would have rather hanged, at least I'd go in one peice. I'd rather be stomped on, crushed from the outside in. At least they could say I put up a fight. At least I would have a reason to hate you. I feel like a stupid child now, wandering around in my dream puzzle store, picking up little, broken, insignificant peices of puzzles and trying to rebuild. But the important peices are lost, and not the ones easily forgotten. Rare ones, ones that you can never find anywhere else in the world. Gone forever. Such a foolish child, like myself, tried to put what I do have back together... nothing fits though... there is nothing you can do, so I quit. I give up, really... and that's what to die is. Having the most precious thing to you destroyed and only have small peices of it to taunt you, reminding you of what you neglected, Letting you think there will be another time, another place. I could listen to the other children and say the special peices will come back, and we can start from where we are... but its time to grow up. Dreams are dreams for a reason. They are there for comfort and to pick up your spirit. I relied on my dream to much, I believed that it would be a reality, All I can do is cry for my loss, my broken dream, my broken heart, and hope that my new life will build me a shelter, not a dream puzzle store. Good night, Love you all!!!

I wrote this like a month ago, I still like it, tough shit if you don't like the concept... it does make me a lil sad tho I was trying to tell myself it was just the weather, But even though it was raining it was actually a warm day. I know what the real problem is. The real reason why I don't go out with my friends, The reason why I don't feel like laughing, or smiling. The reason why I feel woozy, sad, let alone ugly. And it's the same reason why my eyes are gray now. Shivers, I need a better jacket, Maybe even a better scarf and gloves will warm me up. A cup of hot cocoa... A warm fire to sit by... another jacket or blanket... A smile... a hug... by him... It's not so cold after all