I've really been thinking lately, and the more I think the more it bugs me. I use to never think like this, but now I do all the time. It use to be just every so often, then a few times a month, a week, a day, an hour, a minute. No now it's every second. A question that I will never answer myself, will I die alone?
I can't even take a fucking breath in and out with out it passing through my mind at least 10 times. I start to let it run over and over again like a broken record. Filling my mind and drowning my soul in its evil ways, I get caught almost panting. It torments my soul all during the day. Even at night I can't sleep peacefully without it coming and crushing me, whispering in my ear "yes". I just want it to go away and let me live my life without it harassing me, that one thought.
Since last March everything has been going downhill in my life. I think that's the first time I have ever been mentally hurt so bad that my body ached and freeze up in seizures. I lost some hair for a while, but it started to grow back. Its not as thick as it was before though. I would rather get into another car accident like I had in 2004 and die rather than to go thru with that again. Kudos to him, he almost killed me with a few words. That takes some talent, and a while to get to me like that.
Yea I have had bad times before, but I was able to keep it together. I cannot do that anymore. That's when it started. The first time I thought of it a quick breeze went thru my hair. Standing there I heard a small whistle in the wind "yes". "Naw" I would tell myself, but deep inside I knew, I just would never let it show.
Time passes by, seasons change, and so do people, the news, gas prices and my lip gloss color. Only one thing remains the same, this thought, how weak it makes me feel, and how God damn right it is. After 22 years of marriage my parents are divorcing. They said they never loved each other; they just did it for us "kids". What a waste of 22 years, what a lie to carry for so long. Hell, I was the first-born; it must be my entire fault like my dad said all along. I fucked up his life and he's been waiting for the day that he gets his justice. Wow. I must have been one powerful sperm with ESP or some shit. No its not my fault, I didn't make you two do the deed. You did that yourself. Maybe it's not even about me being born that makes it my fault. Maybe it's something else. I'll never know what it is though.
Yes, yes, yes, yes. That's all I hear in my mind, and the more I hear it, the more I experience, the more I'm starting to believe it. My dreams have been so dark lately. The one I've been having the most is kinda awkward to tell. I'm standing in a room surrounded by people I know. Laughing, having a great time. Then I look over at a mirror and see my reflection. There are no people surrounding me smiling, sharing stories and secrets, hugs and kisses. It's me standing by myself in a dark space. In my dream I approach the mirror and look closer. In my reflection I have my arms crossed over my chest and I'm bruised and crying, no body there for me. I turn away from the mirror in disbelief of what I had just seen to find everyone standing behind me looking at me, hands in fists, no smiles on their faces. Only look I see is pure disgust. I look at them so confused, so naïve. What has happened? Is it me? What did I do? Can I fix it? Will you forgive me? That's when I receive the first blow. They all start to throw punches at me until I black out. I wake up laying flat in my back in total darkness. I try to sit up but can't. I'm blocked in on all sides by wood. As my eyes adjust a little more to the dark I realize what's happening. Above me isn't wood but a mirror with my reflection in it, the same one as before. My arms are crosses, I'm covered in blood, bruised, beaten to a pulp. I can't move, every bone in my body is broken. I am in a coffin closed up and secured. No way out. All I can do is lay there, look at myself and cry. "Yes". I know.
It is going to be there forever, that dyer fact. That one thing I cannot escape from. It follows me to every happy place I go. I absorb more thru every hug. In the shadows it follows me. Each breath I take it boggles me down with its enormity. I will never escape it.
Yes.
Yes!!
YES!!!!
It's the answer to my question... please say it isn't so.
I will die alone
