Today was the first time I have visited your grave for the first time since your funeral... (WOW)... I was told forever it seems like that I would feel better if I see you... But I didnt... All i could do was cry for several minutes before I could even speak a word... God I miss you so much... That was all I could think of before i crawled up into a ball and layed down on the grass six feet above you... It hurt so much to notice that all thats left of you is a headstone with your name on it.... And the memories that I have...
Life has been so hard living without you... There were several times that I was hurting so much and i wanted you to hold me... I felt like a helpless child just lying there on your grave crying like i wanted my mommy or something.. I might as well stuck my thumb in my mouth and said gaga gugu..
But as i started to calm down I finally was able to speak.. Here is what i said...
Hey My Daisy.. Its hard just looking at this headstone and talking to you like this... I am so sorry about me crying so hard a minute ago... You told me to be strong... But its just so hard... This is the hardest thing I have ever done...To go about life missing you every second of the day... It hurts so much... For months I have held your picture close to my chest and rocked back and forth crying endlessly.... My love for you never died... And i swear to you it never will... I promise you... You have become such an impact in my life... You saved me from a life of medeoeroakady... I was lost without you... Nothing had meaning... But when you came into my life.. All of that changed... Life was worth living.. It had purpose..
Now that your gone, all things are hollow.... Life has been an empty shell... I have went through life threatening situations... And all I could think of at the time was yes,yes,yes... Im going to see Miranda... But I didnt... I lived...
I dont know my purpose on this earth... But im determained to find out... I want to know why im still here and not there with you...
But I think I know why now... I half to learn to rid myself of this selfish pride... I think it is the only thing keeping me alive now... But i need to learn to get rid of it... Its going to kill me and lead me to Hell... And i dont want that.. I want more than anything to see you again....
I have meet so many people here... And they all are so great to me by helping get over your death... But its when im alone that i slowly slip back into my depressed state of mind...
I think of everything that we did together... Like when we were at the beach and you got knocked over by a Manatee... And I thought it was a shark... (laughing)...
Or that time when we at the movies watching Without A Paddle, and you were laughing so hard and so much we got kicked out of the movie theater...
I remember everything Miranda... All of the good times and the bad... (Crying)....
I just wish i knew what to do from now on.. This is so hard for me... But I dont think you would have stayed with me till the end if you didnt think I could handle it... You always thought of me as the strong one.. When the truth is, you were the strong one.. I drew my strength from you... I was strong cause you made me strong... I was humble cause you were next to me... Please Miranda... Please.. Let me know your watching over me... Let me know your here while I talk to you.....
And at that moment everyone.. A soothing breeze started to blow... And it was hot... There was no wind before... I felt something within that breeze that i have never felt before.... I could have sworn I felt her presents... I felt like I was being hugged by this cool breeze... A flock of Canadian Geese flew over.. And then i remembered something.... Something Miranda wrote to me shortly before she died... (My dearest Joshua, I want you to know that when im gone, dont think that I am... I am the cool breeze on a hot summer day... When you see a flock of Geese flying over you... That will be me... When you see a Dear prancing in a field, that will be me.. ) And for the first time since she died I was released from this hurt for that moment... I felt her so much I fell to my knees and cried even harder... The other people walking around the cemetary just looked at me and probably thought I was crazy or something... But I didnt care... I knew you were there with me.... And it felt so good... God it felt so good... But the realality of knowing your really gone came over me again... Is it the Devil attacking me? If he is please chace him away...
That breeze didnt stop for several minutes... When i looked up into the sky, there wasnt a cloud in the sky.. And I knew it was her...
You see everyone? True love really does exist.. Just listen to your heart.. It will guide your path to whats really true in life... This genersation is almost lost.. So please... Im on my knees begging you... Stop telling people that you love them when you really dont... You destroying the best thing we have in this world... I love you all... Love,Joshua Murphy
