My dearest Miranda... Its has been a little over 2 years since you have been gone from me... Everyday is a constant struggle to go on knowing that i cant hold you... And watch your smile brighten up my day...
Everyday when i think of you all of my breath seems to leave me, thus making me incapable of breathing.. Tears seem to swell up in the back of my throut... And i find myself falling to my knees screaming at the top of my lungs because i miss you so much... I havent stoped crying since the day you left...
You told me to be strong... But how can i do that? I love you so much and i miss hearing the sound of your voice... All i have left of you are pictures and old video recordings... But watching them seems to be gluton for punishment.. All i do is cry myself into a depressed sleep everytime... But i cant stop watching them... Its just your smile... All i want to see is your smile... Nothing else...
I have changed alot since you went away... So much has happened... I became a greater fighter... Even a better person, so people tell me.... I finally made my peace with God... I hated him forever it felt like for taking you from me.... I know that wasnt what you wanted out of me... But you know me... I am selfish when it comes to you... I wanted you hear when God had a plan for you there... I know you expect more out of me... But i am trying so hard just to keep my head above water... I miss you so much... Even staying alive has been an trial for me... I have never wanted to die so bad just so i can see you... I have asked God so many times to take me away.. I have searched for a reason why He keeps me here. But i cant find one...
But i wont question His reasons... I want to see you and i wont risk not seeing you all because i ask to many questions...
The pain never stops... Its never ending for me... When i wake up and when i go to bed... My heart feels like it wants to explode and i could die just from the heartacke..
I know your disapointed in me... I know you were watching when i took all of those pills.. And when i put the knife in my chest... I know you were there... i just couldnt stand it anymore... I wanted to end my suffering right there... I just couldnt go on living without you... Life has been so hard without you.. I miss your Godly advice you used to give to me when i was angry or sad.... You always knew what to say to me to get me to calm down or cheer me up... You had a way with words like that... Thats why i fell in love with you in the first place....
You were so amazing Miranda... You were the rock of my life... I drew all of my strength from you... When i had you in my arms i felt like Superman... Like nothing could hurt me... I took refuge in you when i was down and upset... You would just open your arms and hold me... Shhhhhuuusshhhh you would whisper... You would rock me back and forth like i was a helpless child, or like a newborn baby crying in your arms...
Sometimes i would feel like just crawling up in a ball and hide away from the world... Like i wasnt a fighter and a warrior at all... Just a big baby... And you would continue to hold me and tell me everything was ok...
You were invincable Miranda... To me you were anyways.... Here i am trying to be the strongest warrior alive and yet you die without fear... What does that make of me? I ask myself that all of the time... But i guess that some questions will forever go unanswered...
Loving you has kept me alive this far now... I have learned to speak to others about you... I write these blogs here on myspace now so that everybody can understand why i cry so much... And so they would feel like they knew you too before you died.. You have been such an impact in my life... Without you Miranda... I know i would be dead right now or in a jail cell.. Thank you for everything you have done for me... I swear to you that it wont be forgotten...
Im glad i chose to stay with you when i found out that you were sick... If i could turn back the hands of time to change things... I wouldnt change a single thing... Even though i suffer from not having you everyday... I have no regrets at all... Not a single one... I love you Miranda... and i always will... So as my life continues to unfold itself more and more... Please watch over me... And guide me to the right path so i may know why God had to take you away.... I miss you My Darling Daisy... And i pray that my suffering ends because i dont have you... I love you... FOREVER... Love,,, Josh.
