Vixen's blog: "My Dead Life"

Well I guess I'm just hateful bitch according to Dallas. We've never gotten into a fight or anything until today. It started last night when I realized that he had gone upstairs to get the kids something to eat and give Tara her medicine and hadn't come back and it had been an hour. So I need to wash the color and stuff out of my hair and shower so I went upstairs with my stuff and he's sitting in the den watching Ultimate Fighting or whatever it is and I say "Do you ever watch anything else anymore. Everytime you turn the TV on you watch this stuff." And I was not being an ass, I was just giving him a hard time like we always do with each other. Well he says, not in a mean way but nontheless hurtful way, "I came up here to leave you alone so I could watch this and not hear you bitch so move along." and he kinda shooed me away. Now granted we give each other hell all the time because thats the way we are with each other, but that really really hurt my feelings. So I just went on and took my shower and went back downstairs and didnt bother him anymore for the rest of the night and didn't go out with him later for fear of bitching too much or saying something out of the way. Well me of course having to hold in all my feelings woke up today in a bad mood and ended up getting pissed and snapping at him later while we were trying to paint my parents house. Which in my opinion I have every fucking right to be pissy about the whole situation since We've been out there painting the inside of thier house for 3 weeks because he either doesn't get up until noon so we dont get out there until 2 or 3 and only work for about 3 hours or he's had excuses not to go at all so we've wasted enough gas going back and forth out there for a short amount of time and i was sick of it. We weren't there for an hour and he already wanted to leave and spend money on food that we dont have but still manage to spend 50 bucks a week on it. So he retaliates by acting like an asshole and telling me that he didn't know why I cared since I didn't do anything but sit there while he did all the work and that he didn't know what my problem was but I was bitching and snapping about everything lately. So I left him to paint by hisself and I went to an empty room and cried for 3 hours and when I went back to try and make up he still got shitty with me so I went back to the room to cry some more. We've cooled off now but we're still a little tense and neither of us have apologized or anything. I don't know if I should apologize or not considering that I had a reason for getting mad and he never seems to understand why I get upset over shit. If I made a list and kept track of all the money he wasted on stupid shit, food, and things he didn't need, I know it would at up to 50 bucks or more a week while our bills go unpaid and he wonders why I'm so stressed out. I know for a fact because he's wasted every dime he's had in his pocket over the last 3 days that I won't be able to pay my fucking loan payment from the credit union now. I wish I'd had time to go by and get it done Friday but I didn't. So now it won't get paid at all. Food and movies was more important. Thats why I get so fucking shitty with him sometimes over things that seems so trivial.

I GOT THE JOB!! GO ME!! FINALLY MY LIFE IS GOING IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION. The only thing that is bothering me right now is Dallas because he's impossible to be around when he hasn't had medicine in 4 days. He bought a little radiator for his car instead of buying his meds. This job is going to be awesome!! I mean its going to be great. I'll work really hard for the first 4 months and they'll move me up to management and then its smooth saling from there! I'm so fucking excited! I've got one week of training for my license to sell insurance. Then its 2 weeks of training to know all of the material and everything about the insurance and how to sell and then 2 week with the local manager with on the job training and then I get to go out on my own and start making all that money!! Easy as fucking pie if you ask me. YAY!

I used to be addicted to Myspace but Cherry Tap is so much cooler! Here are my most hated things about Myspace... ~Little teenagers who fill my bullitens with shit like "Please go comment on my pics I'm depressed" or "If you love Jesus, repost this" or "I've got new pics please go leave me comments". OMG I swear I try not to be mean to little teeny boppers who are trying to be adults, but I cant stand it! Especially when they leave 17 posts in a row begging picture comments because they just broke up with their ignorant boyfriend that I told her to get rid of months ago because he's a loser! AND I HATE PICTURES THAT THEY TAKE OF SHIT WRITTEN ON NOTEBOOK PAPER AND THEIR HANDS THINKING THEIR COOL! ITS NOT COOL ITS STUPID!!!! ~OMG the fucking maintenance!!! Every week at least for an entire day I can't see have my friend's pages because its down for routine maintenance!! I hate that shit! And of course during maintenance I can't look at my own shit half the time and while all thats going on the stuff I can look at it takes 10 minutes to load so I end up just forgetting it and coming back the next day. Fuck that shit! ~And I can't forget the fucking ERRORS!!! Every other post or blog I try to put up doesn't go up right or I end up posting it 2 or 3 times or losing it completely after I've spend an hour typing it. And of course you can't do simply copy and pasting so that you can type it somewhere else and paste it in or copy it from the blog before it posts just in case you lose it. ~ And of course there's the fucking spam! People are forever hacking other's shit and posting advertisements out the ass for ringtones and trackers and all that mumbo jumbo. And no one seems to pay any attention to whats going on. They won't go in and change their password every so often to keep out hackers. Its so irritating. So thats why Myspace sucks. So far Cherry Tap hasn't given me one hassle since I've been using it and the people on here are so much cooler and unique.

A common misconception of being a Satanist. I recommend everyone, I mean all people of all religions to read the 'Satanic Bible' by Anton LeVay. It would do everyone some good to read it so that the bullshit that people think of Satanists could be put to rest. We don't sacrifice anything or anyone at all. As a matter of fact our philosophy is the same as Wiccans when it comes to that. Animals and children are sacred and should be protected and worshipped and woman are highly regarded because we carry life. What I like the most about Satanist is that they don't let people walk all over them and take advantage. There is none of this bullshit about 'turning the other cheek'. If someone strikes you, strike them back twice as hard. If someone breaks your leg, break both of theirs. Fuck them. And if they dont bakc down, kill them. Have no mercy on your enemies or they'll make you their bitch. Its strange but the book "The De Vinci Code" put a lot of things into perspective. I did a little research and most the stuff in the book was fiction but it all stemmed from the truth. It makes perfect sense. The Roman Catholic Church I think truly destroyed the beauty and power of woman and the rights of human beings just to live and be free. It doesn't take people long for the media to make sure to ruin someone good nature or name even its totally false. I mean lets all face it, what do we really know about this world besides what we see on TV and hear on the radio? Nothing. Thats all we know. Look around you. Do you really think that they are letting us in on whats really going on over there in Iraq? HELL NO!! We get some information but we by no means get the real story. Fuck that. I don't trust the government so I don't believe shit. All I know is that we need to stop sticking our nose where its not wanted and I'd like 20 bucks in gas to last me more than 2 days like it used to. I know that its bullshit that it costs twice as much to live now but the fucking minimum wage is still what it was when I started working 7 years ago when I could drive all week on 15 bucks in gas. I know that nowadays, its pointless to have a job unless your working full time for at least 11 bucks an hour. Any less then that and you'll never have your own apartment or place unless you have roommates or a significant other that also works fulltime for at least 11 bucks an hour. And even then you'll be buying everything from Dollar General because ever since Wal Mart was taken over when the founder died they've been slowly raising prices to where you might as well go to the fucking mall and buy your shit when they're having sales. Go to Target for cryin out loud because their clothes are more fashionable and only a dollar more than Wal Mart. Same with DVDs and CDs. Middle Class is disappearing. Low class, poverty and High class are growing. The rich are getting richer and the poor are getting poorer. My parents together only bring in 80,000 a year and thats just making low middle class because the economy is so fucked up. And you know what is fucking everybody? Credit!! Its supposed to be helping people but its just hurting everyone. I'm 24 years old and within 6 months I was able to go into debt almost 10 grand because of credit cards and car payments. Nobody can buy anything straight out because pay is so shitty so they get it on credit and get fucked. And job security isnt worth a shit in this world. One day you could have a decent job and the next be fired over dumb shit that was your boss's fault in the first place but he wanted to feel superior so he fires you. Oh well, there is my rant for the night. Its almost 1 AM and I'm not even tried and I've got my job interview tomorrow from 10am until 4pm. Wish me lots of luck everyone. I deserve this opportunity.

A common misconception of being a Satanist. I recommend everyone, I mean all people of all religions to read the 'Satanic Bible' by Anton LeVay. It would do everyone some good to read it so that the bullshit that people think of Satanists could be put to rest. Its strange but the book "The De Vinci Code" put a lot of things into perspective. I did a little research and most the stuff in the book was fiction but it all stemmed from the truth. It makes perfect sense. The Roman Catholic Church I think truly destroyed the beauty and power of woman and the rights of human beings just to live and be free. It doesn't take people long for the media to make sure to ruin someone good nature or name even its totally false. I mean lets all face it, what do we really know about this world besides what we see on TV and hear on the radio? Nothing. Thats all we know. Look around you. Do you really think that they are letting us in on whats really going on over there in Iraq? HELL NO!! w

Well the regional manager I interviewed with yesterday called this morning to reschedule my second interview that I was going to have today because something came up with the local manager that I was supposed to spend the day with. While rescheduling he said this to me... "If all goes well on Friday and you think this is something you want to continue with I'll probably go ahead and put in training" Or something to effect. So I basically have the job as long as I don't make a fool of myself. Which wouldnt be hard for me because I'm clumsy BUT with my guard up and my thinking cap on, I should do great! I'M SO EXCITED!!!

My first job interview went so well that I'm already scheduled for the 2nd part of the interview where I'll be travelling all day with the regional and local manager so that I can see what I'd be doing once finished with training to see if something I can really do. I dont give a fuck what I have to do to get this job. It pays 600 to 1200 a week. For that kind of money I'd sell ass on the street but all i have to do is sell insurance to businesses. I'm excited. Wish me luck for tomorrow!

Do you like it rough or sensual? ~I like a passionate combination. Do you prefer to be with the opposite sex or the same sex? or both? ~I'd say both How often do you like to have sex? ~Depends on what kind of week I'm having but strangely about twice a week. Is sex a top priority for you? ~Not really...I like it but my past has pushed sex to the back burner Do you have sex face to face with your partner? ~Thats the best way How often do you get drunk and have wild, crazy sexy with a complete stranger? ~I've done that once and never again...its not fun when you start to sober up. How do you feel about one night stands? ~I personally think its pointless. I'd rather take care of myself than go through that emotional drama How many one night stands have you had? ~Just one What's your favorite position? ~Missionary and a sitting/missionary. Where's your favorite place to have sex? ~In the bed...I totally like to comfortable when I'm having sex. Do you prefer to make love or fuck? ~Love and sex. Love for when I'm in a very sensual mood and sex for when I just want it. You only fuck when it with someone you don't really care about. Have you ever watched porn while having sex? ~A couple of times...it didn't do anything for me at all How long do you usually fore-play b4 doing the deed? ~Not long. Fifteen minutes. Do you get off first or do they? ~It depends. Thats a 50/50 chance. Do you like kissing during sex? ~Oh hell yeah, I have kiss and neck and bite. Its mandatory. Do you moan? If so, are you loud or quite? ~Oh yea I'm definately a noise maker and its loud when there's nobody around to hear me besides my partner Do you prefer your partner to be loud or quite? ~He's quiet and doesn't make any noise, but it wouldn't bother me if he did Does size matter (for girlz-- dicks/for guyz-- boobs)? ~In a way. I mean its gotta be big enough to feel as far as dicks go and thats not a problem in my department. How old were you when you lost your virginity? ~I was 16 and it was to an older guy, he was 23 How many sexual partners have you have in the last month? ~Just my one and only love What does your favorite fore-play include? ~::giggles:: Well that would include a lot of fingering and licking...makes me hot thinking about it Do you ever play with yourself during the act? ~I love doing that...intensifies everything Do you prefer to sleep with randoms or one person? ~My one and only fiance is all I need Have you ever done anal? If so, did you like it? ~Yeah I've done it, its okay but I'm not really into anymore. When and where was your wildest sex ever? Haha...that was at the rock, my first time with my now fiance. We were in the mountains overlooking everything and it was just perfect. What's your ultimate sexual fantasy? ~I've already fullfilled it, see above question and answer. Have you ever done porn? ~No Have you ever have sex for money? ~No Have you ever bribed someone to sleep with you? ~Hell no Is the sex still good when your cheating? ~Its great with the person you're cheating with but not the person you're cheating on During sex... what are you thinking about? ~Umm....sex....orgasms...should I be thinking about something else??? Do you prefer the top or the bottom at first? ~I always prefer bottom. The sex is better How many positions do you like to do during one episode? ~At the most two, sometimes we switch positions Do you ever worry about how your pleasing your partner? ~Sometimes. Could you live without sex? ~I would hate not to be able to have that intimacy with the man I love How often do you find sex boring? ~Sex is never boring with my fiance. The sad part is that my ex loved to wild and crazy and freaky in bed and that was boring to me but since being with my fiance and just being together with nothing fancy I always look forward to it and never think its boring...its always exciting to me. How long does a typical sexual episode last for you? ~Never really keep tabs...long enough for my satisfaction Do you like to perform oral sex? ~I refuse...make me wanna hurl Do you like to recieve oral sex? ~Yeah, I love it Have you ever had sex while at work? ~No Have you ever had sex while at school? ~No What's your biggest turn on? ~Rough sex in a passionate sense with a lot of biting and rubbing. Have you ever had sex in front of your best friend? ~Trick question...I've had sex on webcam just for a friend, but only once. Its one of the craziest things I've ever done What was the biggest age difference with a partner? ~9.5 years with my fiance now What was your most embarrassing sexual moment? ~Hmm...I'm not really sure. Do you prefer to sleep with someone older or younger than you? ~Older of course What's the perfect size? (for girlz-- inches in dicks/for guyz-- cup size)? ~Hmmm....probably 6.5 to 7 inches Have you ever done bondage sex (chains,whips,etc.)? If not, would you? ~Yes I have and if you're with someone who doesn't respect what you like and don't like it can get out of hand. Role play and games can get out of control when your partner thinks your acting and you're not and they don't listen to you and only care about what they wanna do. Can you remember who gave you the best sex of your life? ~Of course, my fiance does every time we do it If you could sleep with ANYONE, who would it be? ~Mark Walburg

You know its fucked up how things have turned out at this point in my life. Two years ago I was with a sorry ass boyfriend who treated me like a whore and a fool and was never going anywhere in life. Our last year together all I did was fight with him, spend all my time at home when I was away from him praying to the lord and lady to help me find true love or open the eyes of the one I had currently to the fact he was torturing me day after day. Everything else besides my love life was great. I had a part time job and was going to college full time making the Dean's List and getting along great otherwise. Then one night it seemed that my endless prayers, chants, spells, were finally heard and I was contacted by Dallas through Myspace (who is now my finace). I left the deadbeat I was with my love life has been perfect ever since. Its been a year and half. No fights, no problems, just love and understanding. So things should be great all around right? Wrong. Everything else in my life has been destroyed. My parents tried to destroy our relationship because he's not an upstanding citizen...basically he's been in trouble a lot because he's got a lot of mouth and anger issues with cops and authority. He's a daredevil. He likes to be in the lead so his bosses from work end up firing him or pissing him off because he works his way, not theirs. Every since the start everyone seems to be out to destroy us and fuck us over. Our business partners bailed as soon as we got things going and signed some contracts. We were left with everything and we sunk in it because they didn't help like they promised us. I used all my personal resources to make our business work but we failed. I didn't have enough credit alone to get what we needed. I am currently $14,000 in the hole with credit cards, accounts, and family memebers who loaned me money for my business. My fiance was attacked by 7 guys in a parking lot and they broke his ankle. He had to have reconstructive surgery to fix it. A plate and 10 screws will always be in his ankle. $25,000 in hospital bills and doctor bills. Since theres no way we can pay that, he's putting off getting a job so that this place, whatever its called, will pay it off for him. I'm looking for a job but it could take a month to 3 months to find one. The part time job I have now only pays $45 a day and there's no guarentee how many days a week and paychecks are given monthly and its always a month behind so what I'm doing now I won't see for another month. And my average check a month from there was never more than $600. And it keeps getting worse. The longer the bills go unpaid, the bigger they get. Within the next month these bills will probably start going to collection and my credit is going to drop dramatically. This shit will probably put a loan for a home or anything else on hold for another 3 years. Its fucked up. So little would go such a long way right now. Hell if I just had a way to get my hands on $1000 from someone I knew or something it would be enough to pay all the overdue and over limit charges so it would all go back to regular payments I'd be okay because I wouldnt get anymore bills until next month and I'd start getting paychecks from my part time job on a regular basis. So it seems that now I have a wonderful love life and I've found my soul mate after all these lifetimes searching that everything around me is trying to destroy us. Its like most people aren't allowed to have money and love. If you've got love you have struggle with everything else. And its effecting our relationship. We stay so stressed all the time that I seclude myself so much and he senses that. His biggest regret in convincing me that we should start a business is that we dont treat each other the same anymore. And I keep trying to put off negetive thoughts and I try so hard to be the way we were. I just wish there was a way to get rid of this shit on us. And the only people who care can't help us anymore financially to get us out of the hole our ex-business partners let us fall in and sat back and watched. They will pay for this. When we're back on our feet they will pay for ever penny I lost because of them. I will swear to that.