SickMentalGirl's blog: "FROM THE MIND OF KALE"

She came completely unannounced. What a  surprise and I was shocked.  I never in a million years thought that I, ME would ever become a mother.  

I had chances before but I knew back then it wasn't in the cards for me.  I accepted it.  But this time....it was going to be real.  I had wondered why I was so sick.  

Some even joked about me being pregnant. And after that day, I went to get a pregnancy test.  I peed on a stick and waiting 3 minutes.  And sure enough to my surprise I saw a plus sign.  And I didn't jump for joy, I didn't know what to do in that moment.  

Everything flashed before me and here I was faced with the most important decision of my life.  The only person I called was my good friend Amber. She was so excited when I told her.  I was also freaking out and didn't know what to tell my partner. But at the end of that day. Everything changed for me. And I began being happy.  I stopped everything,  drinking, smoking.  Eating better.

 Every so often I would touch my belly and have this most incredible feeling. There was life  growing in there. I was so amazed. I began to read every book on pregnancy. Flash forward to 6 months. Every time I had an ultrasound I could hear and feel her heart beat.  We knew we were having a girl.  And I knew right away what her name would be.  I loved being pregnant but at the same time I hated it.  I couldn't sleep or get in a comfortable position. My back always hurt, I couldn't be more than 5 ft from every toilet.

 My breasts were sore and already producing milk. The decision to breastfeed was without question. And it was the best decision I made.  Flash forward to the day my water broke.  I was alone, lying in bed resting. Then I had this sudden urge to pee and there in my bathroom, my water broke.  I knew what to expect, reading all those books. Kept me calm but when it happened I lost it.  I called my partner, called my mother in law and called my mother to let everyone one know i was going into labor.

  Standing there while all this water came out I started to feel contractions omg did they hurt. I remembered to breathe and get my stuff ready. Walking down those stairs hurt so bad. And water was still flowing out it was sooo gross. Driving to the hospital it felt like every bump we went over more and more water came out.

Finally we arrived at the hospital. They came and took me to a room hooked me up with all these wires, heart monitors for me and my baby. I lasted 3 hrs of real pain and trust me its a pain I will never forget.  Then I took the epidural. And I was in LA LA land.   At this time I was only 2 inches dilated. So it was a very long wait. My partner stayed with me throughout the night. Nurses kept checking on me  and it wasn't until morning that I found out I wasn't able to deliver vaginally. And I was scheduled for a c section.

I was very surprised at myself at how calm I was about everything. I've never had major surgery like that and was never awake before. So everything was so new to me. My operation was scheduled for 1pm. I was so hungry at the time but all I could eat was ice chips. They got me and my partner all prepped for the surgery and rolled me into the delivery room.  Set me up at the table ready to cut me open, Ben held my hand the whole time, told me stories to help me concentrate on him then rather what they were doing to me. They has this big light with reflections on it I asked them if they could move it because I could see it. And I didn't want to.

 The Dr told me I'd feel a big tug and pop.  And when she said that Vivica came out the Dr was holding her by her foot she cried they cleaned her up and gave her to me.  

In that moment, everything changed for me. Here I was holding the life I created and I cried, I cried so hard and so much I muttered to my partner "she's ours, she really is ours" they weighed her. She was 10lbs 3oz.   Then they rolled me into the recovery room.  Vivica took to my breasts very well.  I had no problems latching.  We bottle fed her too. It took a few days for my milk to come in. And boy when it did my breasts were huge.

I was kept in the hospital for 4 days. But every chance I got I held my baby girl.  I kissed her held her tight against my body. I was ready to be a mom.  Everything I did then, was all for her.  Having Vivvy changed me into a person. I didn't think I could be.

I was very selfish and mean, hateful and took from people without even a care in the world. I'd lie, scheme,everything,I was a bad person once.  

All of that didn't matter anymore. I had the most wonderful gift of all and I wasn't about to screw that up, I made a deal with myself. I vowed never to lie to her, to always tell her the truth about life. I'd show her things,tell her things. She was my life. I protected her. I gave her all my love and attention. I took care of her. Put HER first before anything, I didn't get much sleep but I didn't care, I'd be awake just to watch her sleep in my arms.

Touching her little toes and fingers. I can't express the proper words to describe how much I love her. It's the most incredible feeling in the world

And in turn she had given me a second chance to start over with the new beginning I had.  To make it right.  To show people that having her sent me into a different direction.  She's is now 6 and she is the most wonderful amazing little girl I always knew she could be. And I will always be grateful for her and what she's changed in me.