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Crash boom bang . that's what it felt like when I fell. My knees buckle my heart drops. I can feel goose bumps rising through my skin. butterflies fluttering furiously. Rapid breathing. It hit me like no other. Finding HIM, was nothing short from a miracle. I was searching for something different and there HE was. From the moment I met HIM on this site called FUBAR. I wanted HIM. I wanted to be his. I fell for him so fast and so hard. some would call him an asshole, some would say he was mean. but I know the truth. He is someone who needs a second look at. Most people would ignore that, toss him away, dismiss him. but I'm one to hear someone out, give them a chance, give them what they want. In hopes that one day I will get what I want. a lot of people warned me about him, that just made me more curious, I never listened to them anyways. his name is LOTA.
He wasn't the easiest at times, he had a lot of anger. Held up a lot of walls. Frustrated a lot. To say he never yells would be a lie. Each time he opened his mouth toxic rage would fall out, piercing my heart. He said that he always wanted to get rid of me, but stubborn me kept coming back each and every time. I was like a junkie and he was my drug. I think at one point I dared him to stay with me. 3 yrs of us on and off again, but I'm sure he would argue 4yrs. All of the fuck you's and fuck off's eventually paid off. When I became his. how proud I feltbelonging to him. His property. His whore. To be everything he wanted. And to be available and attentive to his needs. and dare I say his love. I had always been loyal and faithful to him. He was the only one who controlled me. I was his submissive slut. Others had tried to own me but failed miserably.
The moment he kissed me. Those butterflies came back and I was worse than ever being so ridiculously nervous. As he touched me. Goose bumps came. It was so electric. I've never had anyone make me feel like that. How he touched my face while kissing me. His hands around my neck, applying pressure where needed having him inside me sending my whole body trembling. We had our secrets, wants and desires. I loved him. All of him. I wanted to worship him. To go down on my knees for him. To love him with every fiber of my soul.
But alas I broke. I fell apart and I gave up on US. At the time I could give a lot of reasons why but as I write this. I choose not to dwell on the bad, and only remember the good. I will always regret the choice I made. Because I, or we can't go back. And wishful thinking doesn't do anything. He was amazing, he had his faults but so do I. I was broken for a long while. Heart broken by my own choice. I will never have that kind of love again. I lost myself inside him, I forgot how that felt. You know the saying don't know a good thing until you lose it? Well I'm there. I will never be the same,as when I was with LOTA. He changed me. Probably made me better. He will go down in my books as the greatest lover I've ever had. No one will or could fornicate as good as him. He is the epitome of what a real man should be, he's rough, yet soft and kind with ripped edges. To me he was perfect.
I want him, I want HIM. But I can't have him. So what do you do?? How do you let go of something you can't have? how Do you forget, someone who is so dangerously insecure yet so devilishly charming, he was so sexy in his own way, his anger like foreplay, his furiousness was the climax, don't get me wrong I hated it when he got angry with me. I wanted him to let go of it, see past all the other shit and see me as a person who loved him and was willing to go the extra mile for himI write him letters telling him how I'm feeling, sadly never replies. Just as well, sometimes I just don't want to know. I don't blame him. He will never know just how great he was and I will always regret losing what I realized what I wanted all along.
This one still stings every time I read it or show it. It's kinda comforting. Lol
But hey whats pain without suffering.
