Well hello.... s going to upload some pictures today but I decided not to.... yesterday I got the news that my cousin Noleen passed away in the early hours of the morning, she had been fighting cancer for some time now and boy did she fight! She was a strong woman a true Scott ... Scott being my last name lol.... I didn’t know her that well we never got the chance to talk but like all my family I loved her with all my heart, yesterday morning after being in a coma for a few days she woke up to her mum Heather, Heather told her “Its ok hunny just go back to sleep it will be ok.” She smiled so I’m told and fell asleep... then she passed away, I cried for hours when I got the news! I’m crying now as I write this!..... She was well loved by the family! And it saddens me more to know she will not be there with me at my wedding!..... I wonder sometimes if she knew it was the end, I hope where ever she is she is happy now... watching over us all and finally with no pain!
This death has show me my own mortality!... something I have always known to be there but just hidden it from myself, you know I don’t know how I feel right now!..... I mean I’m good at not showing people how I feel!.... I can smile even though I’m dead inside!..... Yet to talk about how I truly feel seems to be so hard to do!... I mean there is so much I have to do today... yet inside I just want to crawl into bed and sleep ... have to find work to take care of bills have to go online to help people with there sites, have to write story’s and poems for people, have to try to understand what is inside me... so much to do and yet I just find myself wanting to do nothing.. I don’t even want to listen to music! And that’s something I love to do!.... its all so confusing, I read peoples blogs all the time, I see that they have so many problems, well so do I, problems that I never mention.... there are parts of me that even I find to be sick and twisted! Like my fascination with...Well... I can’t say it in a blog... that’s how bad it is, but I don’t let it out, I don’t go out and find this thing. I’m satisfied with just downloading this crap and watching it... funny how some people need to do what they think, they need to hurt others, I want to kill people, but I just turn on my X-box and kill lol.... there goes that urge! But I guess some people are just too weak to stop... some people just can’t help but grab a gun and kill, personally I think there trying to cope with the fact that they have no brains or honour! I was taught the hard way about honour you know, and it hurt to learn this I can tell you that! Being beat till you understand something makes it last for ever!
Regrets... everyone has them ay! But do we actually understand them? I don’t think so.. I have a few I will tell you about, but before I go on let me say this “no I don’t understand them in certain ways ether” lol.... now well my first regret is not staying in school, I missed out on a lot manly because I had to move a lot and doing this kinda fucks up how you study, but I do make do with what I have I am always learning new things via the internet!, hmmm well I regret not getting to know my cousin she was a nice one too, just never made the time to do this! All I can say is get to know your family! Understand them and try to be there for each other! Don’t lose site of what the word family means! Just like the saying (O'hana ) O’hana means family. Family means nobody gets left behind. I like this saying, it’s a good motto for family ay… one should not forget where they came from even if that place is full of horrors, we are what we are! We do not have to follow our fathers or mothers but we should never forget that we came from them, we are all different. We can change ourselves when we really want to.
My upbringing was not always the best, I was not with my mother all the time, and I never knew my father! Even when he wrote to me he did it just because he was told to, I will say I do wish him pain and death, but that’s just me.. Funny you know he is not on my birth certificate. No.. a friend of my mum’s signed it, I rather feel he was a better dad even though even he didn’t stay, OK so I guess in essence I don’t know what a father is! I mean all the ones I had left, I won’t do that though. No.. I will not abandon my child when I have one! I will stay there and show him/her what a father is supposed to be! ^_^, hard to think that even as I write all this I’m crying inside me… I want to scream, to cry out to do something to let all this crap out of me... but I can’t do a thing right now!
I must say though that I ….no… I was going to say my life is happy but that’s not true! Sure I have the most wonderful woman be love, and who truly loves me, I have wonderful friends, and a family that loves me, but there is always something missing, I just can’t put my figure on it right now! It’s like its there I just can’t reach it and in a way this frightens me a lot!
Ok I’m going to go now! I have just to much to do right now to be wondering about my life and why I feel empty... so I will head off now and I will talk to you again soon I guess!....
This is wolfie howling to the lost!
Good bye my dear cousin I do really hope your pain is gone and you’re resting sweetly… hope I get to see you one day... Goodbye
