PcolaMinx Of Milton FL's blog: "MINXs LAIR"

THIS ONE IS FABULOUS!!! >> >> It was written by an 8-year-old named Danny Dutton, who lives in Chula >> Vista, CA. He wrote it for his third grade homework assignment, to >> "explain God." I wonder if any of us could have done as well? >> >> EXPLANATION OF GOD: >> "One of God's main jobs is making people. He makes them to replace the >> ones that die, so there will be enough people to take care of things on >> earth. He doesn't make grownups, just babies. I think because they are >> smaller and easier to make. That way he doesn't have to take up his >> valuable time teaching them to talk and walk. He can just leave that to >> mothers and fathers." >> >> "God's second most important job is listening to prayers. An awful lot of >> this goes on, since some people, like preachers and things, pray at times >> beside bedtime. God doesn't have time to listen to the radio or TV >> because of this. Because he hears everything, there must be a terrible >> lot of noise in his ears, unless he has thought of a way to turn it off." >> >> "God sees everything and hears everything and is everywhere which keeps >> Him pretty busy. So you shouldn't go wasting his time by going over your >> mom and dad's head asking for something they said you couldn't have." >> >> "Atheists are people who don't believe in God. I don't think there are >> any in Chula Vista. At least there aren't any who come to our church." >> >> "Jesus is God's Son. He used to do all the hard work, like walking on >> water and performing miracles and trying to teach the people who didn't >> want to learn about God. They finally got tired of him preaching to them >> and they crucified him But he was good and kind, like his father, and he >> told his father that they didn't know what they were doing and to forgive >> them and God said O.K." >> >> "His dad (God) appreciated everything that he had done and all his hard >> work on earth so he told him he didn't have to go out on the road >> anymore. He could stay in heaven. So he did. And now he helps his dad out >> by listening to prayers and seeing things which are important for God to >> take care of and which ones he can take care of himself without having to >> bother God. Like a secretary, only more important." >> >> "You can pray anytime you want and they are sure to help you because they >> got it worked out so one of them is on duty all the time." >> >> "You should always go to church on Sunday because it makes God happy, and >> if there's anybody you want to make happy, it's God! >> >> Don't skip church to do something you think will be more fun like going >> to the beach. This is wrong. And besides the sun doesn't come out at the >> beach until noon anyway." >> >> "If you don't believe in God, besides being an atheist, you will be very >> lonely, because your parents can't go everywhere with you, like to camp, >> but God can. It is good to know He's around you when you're scared, in >> the dark or when you can't swim and you get thrown into real deep water >> by big kids."

> > The lady who wrote this letter is Pam Foster of Pamela Foster and > Associates in Atlanta. She's been in business since 1980 doing interior > design and home planning. She recently wrote a letter to a family member > serving in Iraq....... Read it! > > "Are we fighting a war on terror or aren't we? Was it or was it not > started by Islamic people who brought it to our shores on September 11, > 2001? > > Were people from all over the world, mostly Americans, not brutally > murdered that day, in downtown Manhattan, across the Potomac from our > nation's capitol and in a field in Pennsylvania? > > Did nearly three thousand men, women and children die a horrible, burning > or crushing death that day, or didn't they? > > And I'm supposed to care that a copy of the Koran was "desecrated" when an > overworked American soldier kicked it or got it wet? Well, I don't. I > don't care at all. > > I'll start caring when Osama bin Laden turns himself in and repents for > incinerating all those innocent people on 9/11. > > I'll care about the Koran when the fanatics in the Middle East start > caring about the Holy Bible, the mere possession of which is a crime in > Saudi Arabia. > > I'll care when Abu Musab al-Zarqawi tells the world he is sorry for > hacking off Nick Berg's head while Berg screamed through his gurgling > slashed throat. > > I'll care when the cowardly so-called "insurgents" in Iraq come out and > fight like men instead of disrespecting their own religion by hiding in > mosques. > > I'll care when the mindless zealots who blow themselves up in search of > nirvana care about the innocent children within range of their suicide > bombs. > > I'll care when the American media stops pretending that their First > Amendment liberties are somehow derived from international law instead of > the United States Constitution's Bill of Rights. > > In the meantime, when I hear a story about a brave marine roughing up an > Iraqi terrorist to obtain information, know this: I don't care. > > When I see a fuzzy photo of a pile of naked Iraqi prisoners, who have been > humiliated in what amounts to a college-hazing incident, rest assured that > I don't care. > > When I see a wounded terrorist get shot in the head when he is told not to > move because he might be booby-trapped, you can take it to the bank that I > don't care. > > When I hear that a prisoner, who was issued a Koran and a prayer mat, and > fed "special" food that is paid for by my tax dollars, is complaining that > his holy book is being "mishandled," you can absolutely believe in your > heart of hearts that I don't care. > > And oh, by the way, I've noticed that sometimes it's spelled "Koran" and > other times "Quran." Well, Jimmy Crack Corn and - - - you guessed it - - - > I don't care ! ! ! ! ! > > I am not deleting this, I am sending it on, but only after I add: > > "Some people spend an entire lifetime wondering if they made a difference > in the world. But, the Marines don't have that problem." > -- Ronald Reagan > > If we ever forget that we're One Nation under God, then we will be a > nation gone under." > > -- Ronald Reagan

Words of Wisdom Stress A lecturer, when explaining stress management to an audience, raised a glass of water and asked, "How heavy is this glass of water?" Answers called out ranged from 8oz. to 20oz. The lecturer replied, "The absolute weight doesn't matter. It depends on how long you try to hold it. If I hold it for a minute, that's not a problem. If I hold it for an hour, I'll have an ache in my right arm. If I hold it for a day, you'll have to call an ambulance." "In each case, it's the same weight, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes." He continued, "And that's the way it is with stress management. If we carry our burdens all the time, sooner or later, as the burden becomes increasingly heavy, we won't be able to carry on." "As with the glass of water, you have to put it down for a while and rest before holding it again. When we're refreshed, we can carry on with the burden." "So, before you return home tonight, put the burden of work/life down. Don't carry it home. You can pick it up tomorrow. Whatever burdens you're carrying now, let them down for a moment if you can." "Relax; pick them up later after you've rested. Life is short. Enjoy!" And then he shared some ways of dealing with the burdens of life: * Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue. * Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them. * Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it. * Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their Maker. * If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague. * If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it. * It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others. * Never buy a car you can't push. * Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won't have a leg to stand on. * Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance. * Since it's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late. * The second mouse gets the cheese. * When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. * Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live. * You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person. * Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once * We could learn a lot from crayons. Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull, some have weird names, and all are different colors, but they all have to live in the same box . "A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour. Have an awesome day and know that someone has thought about you today. . . .. . . . . I did.

To: former Floridians, current Floridians, future Floridians, and/or those who know a Floridian. We're about to enter the peak of the hurricane season. Any day now, you're going to turn on the TV and see a weather person pointing to some radar blob out in the Gulf of Mexico and making two basic meteorological points: (1) There is no need to panic. (2) We could all be killed. Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in Florida. If you're new to the area, you're probably wondering what you need to do to prepare for the possibility that we'll get hit by "the big one." Based on our experiences, we recommend that you follow this simple three-step hurricane preparedness plan: STEP 1. Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at least three days. STEP 2. Put these supplies into your car STEP 3. Drive to Nebraska and remain there until Thanksgiving. Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay here in Florida. So we'll start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness items: HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE: If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance. Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your home meets two basic requirements: (1) It is reasonably well-built, and (2) It is located in Nebraska. Unfortunately, if your home is located in Florida, or any other area that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance, because then they might be required to pay YOU money, and that is certainly not why they got into the insurance business in the first place. So you'll have to scrounge around for an insurance company, which will charge you an annual premium roughly equal to the replacement value of your house. At any moment, this company can drop you like used dental floss. Since Hurricane Andrew, I have had an estimated 27 different home-insurance companies. This week, I'm covered by the Bob and Big Stan's Insurance Company, under a policy which states that, in addition to my premium, Bob and Big Stan are entitled, on demand, to my kidneys. SHUTTERS: Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the windows, all the doors, and - - if it's a major hurricane -- all the toilets. There are several types of shutters, with advantages and disadvantages. * Plywood shutters: The advantage is that, because you make them yourself, they're cheap. The disadvantage is that, because you make them yourself, they will fall off. * Sheet-metal shutters: The advantage is that these work well, once you get them all up. The disadvantage is that once you get them all up, your hands will be useless bleeding stumps, and it will be December. * Roll-down shutters: The advantages are that they're very easy to use, and will definitely protect your house. The disadvantage is that you will have to sell your house to pay for them. * "Hurricane-proof'' windows: These are the newest wrinkle in hurricane protection: They look like ordinary windows, but they can withstand hurricane winds! You can be sure of this, because the salesman says so. He lives in Nebraska. EVACUATION ROUTE: If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route planned out. (To determine whether you live in a low-lying area, look at your driver's license; if it says "Florida" you live in a low-lying area.) The purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being trapped in your home when a major storm hits. Instead, you will be trapped in a gigantic traffic jam several miles from your home, along with two hundred thousand other evacuees. So, as a bonus, you will not be lonely. HURRICANE SUPPLIES: If you don't evacuate, you will need a lot of supplies. Do not buy them now! Florida tradition requires that you wait until the last possible minute, then go to the supermarket and get into vicious fights with strangers over who gets the last can of SPAM. In addition to food and water, you will need the following supplies: * 23 flashlights. At least $167 worth of batteries that turn out, when the power goes out, to be the wrong size for the flashlights. * Bleach. (No, I don't know what the bleach is for. NOBODY knows what the bleach is for. But it's traditional, so GET some!) * A 55-gallon drum of underarm deodorant. * A big knife that you can strap to your leg. (This will be useless in a hurricane, but it looks cool.) * A large quantity of raw chicken, to placate the alligators. (Ask anybody who went through Andrew; after the hurricane, there will be irate alligators.) * $35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane passes, you can buy a generator from a man with no discernible teeth. Of course these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane draws near, it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by turning on your television and watching TV reporters in rain slickers standing right next to the ocean and tell you over and over how vitally important it is for everybody to stay away from the ocean. Good luck and remember: it is great living in paradise

Guy is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor, who tries a few things but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man. The medicine man says, "I can cure this." That said, he throws a white powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. Then he says, "This is powerful medicine. You can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!" Guy then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?" The medicine man replies: "All you or you r partner has to say is 1234, and it ! will go down. But be warned -- it will not work again for another year!" Guy rushes home, eager to try out his new powers and prowess. That Night he is ready to surprise his wife. He showers, shaves, and puts on his most exotic shaving lotion. He gets into bed, and lying next to her says, "123." He suddenly becomes more aroused than anytime in his life ... Just as the medicine man had promised. His wife, who had been facing away, turns over and asks, "What did you say 123 for?" And that, my friends, is why you shouldn't end a sentence with a preposition.

Friends are like balloons; once you let them go, you can't get them back. So I'm gonna tie you to my heart so I never lose you. Send this to all your friends including me and see how many you get back. Send this balloon to everybody you like. You may also return it to me. If four balloons are returned to you, something you have been waiting for a long time will happen!!!! Believe me...... It really happens! Send a lot of little balloons to your friends!!!

Men strike back! ! ! ! ! ! ! How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened when she brings it ------------------------------------------------ Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you. ----------------------------------------------- Why do women have smaller feet than men? It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink. ------------------------------------------------- How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..." --------------------------------------------- How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't. There is a clock on the oven. ---------------------------------------------- Why do men fart more than women? Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure. ---------------------------------------------- If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in. --------------------------------------------- What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? A woman who won't do what she's told ----------------------------------------------- I married a Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always. ----------------------------------------------- Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called a Wedding Cake. ------------------------------------------------ Why do men die before their wives? They want to. ------------------------------------------------- Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy. ------------------------------------------------- In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested. ------------------------------------------------

Blonde Cowboy (son-of-a-gun) The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blonde cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun, and his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure. As he is locking him up, he asks "Why in the world are you dressed like this?" The Cowboy says, "Well it's like this Sheriff ... I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her. So I did. We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt . so I did. Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants ... so Idid. Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts .. so I did. Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, "Now go to town cowboy...." And here I am. Son of a Gun, Blonde Men do exist.

Blonde Handywoman > > >> A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do > > neighborhood. > > >> She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do. > > >> "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?" > > >> The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50?" > > >> The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need was in the garage. > > >> The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?" > > >> He responded, "Th at's a bit cynical, isn't it?" > > >> A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. > > >> "You're finished already?"the husband asked! > > >> "Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." > > >> Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed > > it to her. > > >> "And by the way," the blonde added, "It's not a Porch, it's a Lexus." > > >> ________________________________ > > >

The 'Rules of the South' are as follows!!! 1. Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot. 2. Turn your cap right, your head ain't crooked. 3. Let's get this straight; it's called a "gravel road." I drive a pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way. 4. They are cattle. That's why they smell to you. They smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? I-40 and I - 10 go east and west, I-75 and I - 95 go north and south. Pick one. 5. So you have a $60,000 car. We're impressed. We have $250,000 cotton strippers that are driven only 3 weeks a year. 6. So every person in the south waves. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept. 7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of doves are coming in, we WILL shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time. 8. Yeah, we eat catfish & crawfish. You really want sushi & caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop. 9. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November. 10. We open doors for women. That is applied to all women, regardless of age. 11. No, there's no "vegetarian special" on the menu. Order steak. Or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham & turkey. 12. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup! Oh, yeah.... We don't care what you folks in Cincinnati call that stuff you eat... IT AIN'T REAL CHILI!! 13. You bring "coke" into my house, it better be brown, wet and served over ice. You bring " Mary Jane" into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair. 14. College and High School Football is as important here as the Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to watch. 15. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards -- it spooks the fish. 16. Colleges? We have them all over. We have State Universities , Universities, and Vo-techs. They come outta there with an education plus a love for God and country, and they still wave at everybody when they come for the holidays. 17. We have more folks in the Army, Navy, Air Force, and Marines. So don't mess with us. If you do, you will get whipped by the best. 18. The south is the greatest!! If you are from the south you are part of the best people in the USA !!