ICE's blog: "Military Friends vs Civilian Friends"

U.S. AIR FORCE OATH OF ENLISTMENT I, Zoomie, swear to sign away four years of my useless life to the United States Air Force because I know I couldn't hack it in the Army and because the Marines frighten me. I swear to sit behind a desk and take credit for the work done by others more dedicated than me who take their job seriously. I also swear not to do any form of real exercise, but promise to defend our bike-riding test as a valid form of exercise. I swear to uphold and defend the Constitution of the United States, even though I believe myself to be above that. I promise to walk around calling everyone by their first name because I know I'm not really in the military and I find it amusing to annoy the other services. I will have a better quality of life than all those around me and will at all times be sure to make them aware of that fact. After completion of my -- snicker -- "basic training," I will be a lean, mean, doughnut-eating, lazy-boy sitting, civilian-wearing-blue-clothes, Chairborne Ranger. I will believe that I am superior to all others, and will make an effort to clean the knife before stabbing the next person in the back with it. I will do no work unless someone is watching me (and it makes me look good), will annoy those around me, and will go home early everyday. I consent to never getting promoted -- EVER -- and understand that all those whom I made fun of yesterday probably will outrank me tomorrow. So help me God. Signature: ___________________ Date: _________________ -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- U.S. ARMY OATH OF ENLISTMENT I, Rambo, swear to sign away four years of my mediocre life to the United States Army because I couldn't score high enough on the ASVAB to get into the Air Force, I'm not tough enough for the Marines, and the Navy won't take me because I can't swim. I will wear camouflage every day and tuck my trousers into my boots because I can't figure out how to use blousing straps. I promise to wear my uniform 24 hours a day even when I have a date. I will continue telling myself that I am a fierce killing machine because my drill sergeant told me I am, despite the fact that the only action I ever will see is a court martial for sexual harassment. I acknowledge the fact that I will make E-8 in my first year of service, and vow to maintain that it is because I scored perfect on my PT test. After completion of my sexual -- er -- I mean, BASIC training, I will attend a different Army school once every other month and return knowing less than I did when I left. On my first trip home after boot camp, I will walk around like I am cool and propose to my ninth-grade sweetheart. I will make my wife stay home, because if I let her out she might leave me for a smarter, better-looking Air Force guy. Should she leave me twelve times, I will continue to take her back. While at work, I will maintain a look of knowledge while getting absolutely nothing accomplished. I will arrive at work every day at 1000 hours because of morning PT and leave every day at 1300 hours to report back to the "COMPANY." I understand that I will undergo no training whatsoever that will help me get a job upon separation, and will end up working construction with my friends from high school. I will brag to everyone about the Army giving me $30,000 for college, but will be unable to use it because I can't pass a placement exam. So help me God. Signature:__________________ Date:_______________ U.S. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- NAVY OATH OF ALLEGIANCE I, Top Gun, in lieu of going to prison, swear to sign away four years of my life to the United States Navy because I want to hang out with Marines without actually having to BE one of them, because I thought the Air Force was too "corporate," and because I thought, "Hey, I like to swim...Why not?" I promise to wear clothing that went out of style in 1976 and to have my name stenciled on the butt of every pair of pants I own. I understand that I will be mistaken for the Good Humor man during the summer, and for the Waffen SS during the winter. I will strive to use a different language than the rest of the English-speaking world, using words like "deck, bulkhead, cover, and head," when I really mean "floor, wall, hat, and toilet." I will take great pride in the fact that all Navy acronyms, ranks and insignia, and everything else for that matter, are completely different from the other services and make absolutely no sense whatsoever. I will muster (whatever that is) at 0700 hours every morning unless I am buddy-buddy with the Chief, in which case I will show up around 0930 hours. I vow to hone my coffee cup handling skills to the point that I can stand up in a kayak being tossed around in a typhoon and still not spill a drop. I consent to being promoted and subsequently busted at least twice each fiscal year. I realize that, once selected for Chief, I am required to submit myself to the sick, and quite possibly illegal, whims of my new-found "colleagues." So help me Neptune. Signature:__________________ Date:_______________ -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- U.S. MARINE CORPS OATH OF ENLISTMENT I, ________________ (state name here), swear...uhhhh...high-and-tight... grunt... cammies... ugh... Air Force women.... HOORAH! So help me Corps. Thumb Print:___________________ Date:______________

1. A Private saying, "I learned this in Basic..." 2. A Sergeant saying, "Trust me, sir..." 3. A Second Lieutenant saying, "Based upon my experience..." 4. A Captain saying, "I was just thinking..." 5. A Warrant Officer chuckling, "Watch this shit..."

You make me hornier before 9 AM than most people do all day!" - "What's a pathetic weak piece of @#$%*! like you doing in a !&%#@$ dump like this??" - "Drop trou and give me 20!" - "Care to accompany me on a quiet, romantic, moonlit beach for a 5-mile hike and a hundred push-ups?" - "Soldier, I'm admiring your strategic frontal mammary tissue mounds, two each." - "Remember 'An Officer and a Gentleman'? I'm neither, baby." - "The penalty for being out of uniform is a spanking." - "Wanna know why I'm called a 'drill' sergeant?" - "Drop and give me 69!" - "Baby, you put the 'fox' in 'foxhole'." - "You'll only have to give me one pushup soldier, if it's your bra." - "Your perfume reminds me of napalm in the morning." - "Drop and give me 20 -- on my lap." - "Wanna help me get an 'honorable discharge'?" - "Uncle Sam ain't the only one who wants you."

An Army Sgt. Major walks into a whorehouse and approaches the madam and says,"My name is Sgt. Major Dick and I'm here for a woman!" The madam immediately escorts the soldier upstairs and selects the best girl they have for him. Sgt. Major Dick immediately disrobes and is standing with his hands on his hips while he looks at the prostitute awaiting him on the bed. He then says, "My name is Sgt. Major Dick, been in the Army thirty years, and I'm a master of my mind and body, DICK, ATTEN-HUN!" Immediately, his penis becomes fully erect. The prostitute is in awe and asks him how he can do that. The Sgt. Major replies, "Like I said, I've been in the Army thirty years, and I'm a master of my mind and body, DICK, AT EASE!" His penis immediately goes limp.The prostitute still can't get over the control he has and asks him for another demonstration. The Sgt. Major says, "I'm a master of my mind and body,DICK, ATTEN-HUN!" (a raging hard-on once again), and he follows this display of prowess with the command of, "DICK, AT EASE!" (His penis goes limp once again). The prostitute still can't believe her eyes and asks for the demonstration yet again. The Sgt. Major shouts, "I've already told you honey, I've been in the Army thirty years, and I'm a master of my mind and body, DICK, ATTEN-HUN!" His penis becomes immediately erect, and then he gives the following command,"DICK, AT EASE." The Sgt. Major looks down, and to his amazement, his penis is still hard. He then says, "Apparently you didn't hear me soldier, DICK, AT EASE!" Once again, his penis is still fully erect. The Sgt. Major is now fuming, and says,"I'm going to tell you one more time, DICK, AT EASE!" No luck, his penis is still hard. He yells, "Damn it!" and moves to the side of the bed and starts to masturbate vigorously. The prostitute asks, "What the hell is going on?" The Sgt. Major replies, "This soldier disobeyed a direct order, and I'm giving him a dishonorable discharge!!!"

In an effort to ensure proper training and readiness among the military services, Congress has approved the following changes to basic principles of recruit training: Haircuts Marines: Heads will be shaved. Army: Stylish flat-top's for all recruits. Navy: No haircut standard. Air Force: Complete makeovers as seen on the Jenny Jones show. Training Hours: Marines: Reveille at 0500, train until 2000. Army: Reveille at 0600, train until 1900. Navy: Get out of bed at 0900, train until 1100, lunch until 1300, train until 1600. Air Force: Awaken at 1000, breakfast in bed, train from 1100 to 1200, lunch at 1200, train from 1300 to 1400, nap at 1400, awaken from nap at 1500, training ceases at 1500. Meals: Marines: Meals, Ready-to-Eat 3 times a day. Army: One hot meal, 2 MRE's. Navy: 3 hot meals. Air Force: Catered meals prepared by the Galloping Gourmet, Julia Child, and Wolfgang Puck and Emeril Lagasse. All you can eat. Leave And Liberty: Marines: None. Army: 4 hours a week. Navy: 2 days a week. Air Force: For every four hours of training, recruits will receive eight hours of leave and liberty. Protocol: Marines: Will address all officers as "Sir," and refer to the rank of all enlisted members when speaking to them (i.e., Sgt. Smith). Army: Will address all officers as "Sir," unless they are friends, and will call all enlisted personnel "Sarge." Navy: Will address all officers as "Skipper," and all enlisted personnel as "Chief." Air Force: All Air Force personnel shall be on a first name basis with each other. Decorations/Awards: Marines: Medals and badges are awarded for acts of gallantry and bravery only. Army: Medals and badges are awarded for every bullet fired, hand grenade thrown, fitness test passed, and bed made. Navy: Will have ships' engineers make medals for them as desired. Air Force: Will be issued all medals and badges, as they will most likely be awarded them at some point early in their careers anyway. Camouflage Uniforms: Marines: Work uniform, to be worn only during training and in field situations. Army: Will wear it anytime, anywhere. Navy: Will not wear camouflage uniforms, they do not camouflage you on a ship. (Ship Captains will make every effort to attempt to explain this to sailors.) Air Force: Will defeat the purpose of camouflage uniforms by putting blue and silver chevrons and colorful squadron patches all over them. Career Fields: Marines: All Marines shall be considered riflemen first and foremost. Army: It doesn't matter, all career fields promote to E-8 in first enlistment anyway. Navy: Nobody knows. The Navy is still trying figure out what sailors in the ABH, SMC, BNC and BSN rates do anyway. Air Force: Every recruit will be trained in a manner that will allow them to leave the service early to go on to higher paying civilian jobs.

USMC Bring a weapon. Preferably, bring at least two. Bring all of your friends who have weapons. Bring their friends who have weapons. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive. Only hits count. Close doesn't count. The only thing worse than a miss is a slow miss. If your shooting stance is good, you're probably not moving fast enough, nor using cover correctly. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral and diagonal movement are preferred.) If you can choose what to bring to a gunfight, bring a big weaponand a friend with a big weapon. In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or tactics. They will only remember who lived and who didn't. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating, reloading, and running. Accuracy is relative: most combat shooting is more dependent on "pucker factor" than the inherent accuracy of the weapon. Use a weaponthat works EVERY TIME. "All skill is in vain when an Angel pisses in the flintlock of your musket." Someday someone may kill you with your own weapon, but they should have to beat you to death with it because it is empty. In combat, there are no rules, always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose. Have a plan. Have a back-up plan, because the first one won't work. Use cover or concealment as much as possible. The visible target should be in FRONT of YOUR weapon. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours. Don't drop your guard. Always tactical load and threat scan 360 degrees. Watch their hands. Hands kill. (In God we trust. Everyone else, keep your hands where I can see them). Decide to be aggressive ENOUGH, quickly ENOUGH. The faster you finish the fight, the less shot you will get. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one. Be polite. Be professional. But have a plan to kill everyone you meet. Your number one Option for Personal Security is a lifelong commitment to avoidance, deterrence, and de-escalation. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun, the caliber of which does not start with a ".4." Army See USMC Rules for combat Add 60 to 90 days Hope the Marines already destroyed all meaningful resistance Navy Spend three weeks getting somewhere Adopt an aggressive offshore posture Send in the Marines Drink Coffee Bring back the Marines Air Force Kiss the spouse good-bye Drive to the flight line Fly to target area, drop bombs, fly back. Pop in at the club for a couple with the guys Go home, BBQ some burgers and drink some more beer

ACE: Ask Chief Everything! ARMY: Arn't Ready to be Marines Yet! ARMY: AF Rejected Me Yesterday BOHICA: Bend Over, Here It Comes Again! BOSS: Being On Ships Sucks! BUFF: Big Ugly Fuckin' Forklift! CRS: Can't Remember Shit! CUNT: Cilvilan under navel Training CYA: Cover Your Ass! DEH: Don't Expect Help! DICK: Dedicated Infantry Combat Killer. DILLIGAF: Does it look like I give a fuck! EUSTIS: Even Uncle Sam Thinks It Sucks! F.A.R.T.: Flatulent Airborne Reaction Team FIDO: Fuck It, Drive On! FIFO: Fit In or Fuck Off! FIGMO: Fuck It, Got My Orders! FILTAB: Fuck it, let's take a break! FLIF: Falkland Islands Laundry Facility FNG: Fuckin' New Guy! FRED: Fucking Retard Extra Dumb. FT EUSTIS: Fuck This, Even Uncle Sam Thinks It Sucks! FTA: Fuck The Army! FUBAR: Fucked Up Beyond All Repair! FUBAR: Fucked Up Beyond Any Recognition G2G: Good To Go! HMFIC: Head Mother Fucker In Charge. HUOA: Head Up Ones Ass! I&I: Intoxication and Intercourse. KMD: Kiss My Dick! LGH: Let's Go Home! LLMF: Lost Like a Mother Fucker. LOST: Looking Over Strange Terrain. MARINE: Muscles Are Required Intelligence Not Essential MARINES: Many Americans Running Into Never Ending Shit MARINES: My Ass Rides In Navy Equipment, Sir! MRE: Meals Rejected by Ethiopians! MRE: Meals Rejected by the Enemy! NAVY: Never Again Volunteer Yourself! NAVY: Need Any Vaseline Yet? NBC: No Body Cares! NCO: No Chance Outside OMGIF: Oh My God, I'm Fucked. PENIS: Pointless Exercise Not Involving Soldiers. PFC: Proud Fuckin' Civilian! S&E: Salute 'N Execute! S&G: Shits 'N Giggles! SHIT: Special High Intensity Training! SNAFU: Situation Normal, All Fucked Up! SONFI: Switched Off Not Fucking Interested SPFO: Some Place Fucking Off! SWAG: Scientific Wild Ass Guess! TARFU: Things Are Really Fucked Up. TEWT: Training Exercise Without Troops. TURD: Trainee Under Rigid Discipline. USARMY: Uncle Sam Ain't Released Me Yet! Backwards: Yes My Retarded Ass Signed Up USARMY: Used, Screwed, And Released My Ass, Yep USCG: Uncle Sam's Confused Group USMC: Uncle Sams Misguided Childern USMC: Unlimited Shit Mass Confusion USMC: U Suckers Missed Christmas USMC: Urine Samples Make Civilians USAF: U Suckers Are Fairies YMRASU: Yes My Retarded Ass Signed Up!

Inclement weather always begins AFTER you've already done PT. A sudden downpour always occurs at the end of a summer field exercise--just in time coat all your equipment and camouflage with mud. The best beach weather always occurs when you are in the field wearing MOPP 4. There is no such thing as a blue sky during a company picnic. There is no such thing as a cloudy sky when your unit needs to infiltrate enemy territory. Road conditions are always red when it's time to convoy home. Motor pools are always 20 degrees warmer than the rest of the post during the summer and 50 degrees colder in the winter. Army training areas exist in a constant state of weather flux controlled by a deity with a truly cruel sense of humor--How do you think we got them so cheap? The peak of Mt. Everest would flood if an Army unit was told to set up on it. Hell really would freeze over if someone decided to conduct an exercise there. The Port-a-Potty Postulate states that the likelihood of a hurricane, sandstorm, tsunami, or blizzard occurring immediately over your location is directly related to how bad you need to get to the portajohns at the other side of the campsite in the middle of the night. The temperature always rises to 70 degrees AFTER you put on two layers of polypros, your bear suit, and all of your Gortex. If you whine about the weather, someone else will always whine louder.

Friendly fire - isn't. Recoilless rifles - aren't. Suppressive fires - won't. You are not Superman; Marines and fighter pilots take note. A sucking chest wound is Nature's way of telling you to slow down. If it's stupid but it works, it isn't stupid. Try to look unimportant; the enemy may be low on ammo and not want to waste a bullet on you. If at first you don't succeed, call in an airstrike. The enemy attacks on two ocasions: when he's ready and when your not If you are forward of your position, your artillery will fall short All 5 second grenade fuses burn down in 3 seconds Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself. Never go to bed with anyone crazier than yourself. When your attack is going really well, its an ambush Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder. If your attack is going really well, it's an ambush. The enemy diversion you're ignoring is their main attack. The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions: when they're ready. & when you're not. No OPLAN ever survives initial contact. There is no such thing as a perfect plan. Five second fuzes always burn three seconds. There is no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole. A retreating enemy is probably just falling back and regrouping. The important things are always simple; the simple are always hard. The easy way is always mined. Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy other people to shoot at. Don't look conspicuous; it draws fire. For this reason, it is not at all uncommon for aircraft carriers to be known as bomb magnets. Never draw fire; it irritates everyone around you. If you are short of everything but the enemy, you are in the combat zone. When you have secured the area, make sure the enemy knows it too. Incoming fire has the right of way. No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection. No inspection ready unit has ever passed combat. If the enemy is within range, so are you. The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire. Things which must be shipped together as a set, aren't. Things that must work together, can't be carried to the field that way. Radios will fail as soon as you need fire support. Radar tends to fail at night and in bad weather, and especially during both. Anything you do can get you killed, including nothing. Make it too tough for the enemy to get in, and you won't be able to get out. Tracers work both ways. If you take more than your fair share of objectives, you will get more than your fair share of objectives to take. When both sides are convinced they're about to lose, they're both right. Professional soldiers are predictable; the world is full of dangerous amateurs. Military Intelligence is a contradiction. Fortify your front; you'll get your rear shot up. Weather ain't neutral. If you can't remember, the Claymore is pointed towards you. Air defense motto: shoot 'em down; sort 'em out on the ground. 'Flies high, it dies; low and slow, it'll go. The Cavalry doesn't always come to the rescue. Napalm is an area support weapon. Mines are equal opportunity weapons. B-52s are the ultimate close support weapon. Sniper's motto: reach out and touch someone. Killing for peace is like screwing for virginity. The one item you need is always in short supply. Interchangeable parts aren't. It's not the one with your name on it; it's the one addressed "to whom it may concern" you've got to think about. When in doubt, empty your magazine. The side with the simplest uniforms wins. Combat will occur on the ground between two adjoining maps. If you can keep your head while those around you are losing theirs, you may have misjudged the situation. If two things are required to make something work, they will never be shipped together. Anything you do can get you shot, including nothing. Whenever you lose contact with the enemy, look behind you. The most dangerous thing in the combat zone is an officer with a map. The quartermaster has only two sizes, too large and too small. If you really need an officer in a hurry, take a nap. There is nothing more satisfying than having someone take a shot at you, and miss. If your sergeant can see you, so can the enemy. You'll only remember your hand grenades when the sound is too close to use them. Close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades. Well .. It could be worse: It could be raining .. and we could be out in it. So he said, "Cheer up: it could be worse!" So we cheered up. And it got worse. The side with the simplest uniform wins... The spare batteries for the PRC-whatever your troops have been carrying are either nearly dead or for the wrong radio. The ping you heard was the antenna snapping off at 6 inches above the flexmount, while a fire mission was being called in on a battalion of hostiles who know your position. Why is it the CO sticks his head in your radio hooch to see if anything has come down from DIV when you are listening to the VOA broadcasting the baseball games? How come you are on one frequency when everyone else is on another? Why does your 500-watt VRC-26 (real old) not make it across 200 miles while a ham with 50 watts on the same MARS frequency can be heard from Stateside? Know why short RTOs have long whips on their radios? So someone can find them when they step in deep water. The enemy "Alway's" times his attack, to the second you drop your pant's in the Latrine!! The ammo you new "NOW"!! is on the "Next" airdrop!! The enemy inevitably attacks on two occasions: when they're ready and when you're not. Field experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. If your ambush is properly set the enemy won't walk into it. The only time you have too much fuel loaded is when your aircraft is on fire. Phillip's Law: Four-wheel-drive just means getting stuck in more inaccessible places. Weatherwax's Postulate: The degree to which you overreact to information will be in inverse proportion to its accuracy. Least Credible Sentences: 1. The check is in the mail. 2. The trucks will be on the drop zone. 3. Of course I'll respect you in the morning. 4. I'm from the government and I'm here to help you. Brintnall's Second Law: If you receive two contradictory orders, obey them both. Pavlu's Rules for Economy in Decision Papers: 1. Refute the last established recommendation. 2. Add yours. 3. Pass the paper on. Oliver's Law: Experience is something you don't get until after you need it. Lackland's Laws: 1. Never be first. 2. Never be last. 3. Never volunteer for anything. Napier's Corollary If all else fails hide. Rune's Rule: If you don't care where you are, you ain't lost. Law of Supply (also known as the Law of Gifts): You get the most of what you need the least. Hane's Law: There is no limit to how bad things can get.

Rules for the Non Military Dear Civilians, "We know that the current state of affairs in our great nation has many civilians up in arms and excited to join the military. For those of you who can't join, you can still lend a hand. Here are a few of the areas in which we would like your assistance: 1. The next time you see an adult talking (or wearing a hat) during the playing of the National Anthem---kick their ass. 2. When you witness, firsthand, someone burning the American Flag in protest---kick their ass. 3. Regardless of the rank they held while they served, pay the highest amount of respect to all veterans. If you see anyone doing otherwise, quietly pull them aside and explain how these veterans fought for the very freedom they bask in every second. Enlighten them on the many sacrifices these veterans made to make this Nation great. Then hold them down while a disabled veteran kicks their ass. 4. (GUYS) If you were never in the military, DO NOT pretend that you were. Wearing battle dress uniforms (BDUs) or Jungle Fatigues, telling others that you used to be "Special Forces," and collecting GI Joe memorabilia, might have been okay when you were seven years old. Now, it will only make you look stupid and get your ass kicked. 5. Next time you come across an Air Force member, do not ask them, "Do you fly a jet?" Not everyone in the Air Force is a pilot. Such ignorance deserves an ass-kicking (children are exempt). 6. If you witness someone calling the US Coast Guard 'non-military', inform them of their mistake---and kick their ass. 7. Next time Old Glory (the US flag) prances by during a parade, get on your damned feet and pay homage to her by placing your hand over your heart. Quietly thank the military member or veteran lucky enough to be carrying her---of course, failure to do either of those could earn you a severe ass-kicking. 8. Don't try to discuss politics with a military member or a veteran. We are Americans, and we all bleed the same, regardless of our party affiliation. Our Chain of Command! is to include our Commander-In-Chief (CinC). The President (for those who didn't know) is our CinC regardless of political party. We have no inside track on what happens inside those big important buildings where all those representatives meet. All we know is that when those civilian representatives screw up the situation, they call upon the military to go straighten it out. If you keep asking us the same stupid questions repeatedly, you will get your ass kicked! 9. 'Your mama wears combat boots' never made sense to me---stop saying it! If she did, she most likely would be a vet and, therefore, could kick your ass! 10. Bin Laden and the Taliban are not Communists, so stop saying, "Let's go kill those Commies!" And stop asking us where he is! Crystal balls are not standard issue in the military. That reminds me: if you see anyone calling those damned psychic phone numbers, let me know so I can go kick their ass! 11. 'Flyboy' (Air Force), 'Jarhead' (Marines), 'Grunt' (Army), 'Squid' (Navy), 'Puddle Jumpers' (Coast Guard), etc., are terms of endearment we use describing each other. Unless you are a service member or vet, you have not earned the right to use them. That could get your ass kicked. 12. Last, but not least, whether or not you become a member of the military, support our troops and their families. Every Thanksgiving and religious holiday that you enjoy with family and friends, please remember that there are literally thousands of Soldiers, Sailors, Marines and Airmen far from home wishing they could be with their families. Thank God for our military and the sacrifices they make every day. Without them, our country would get its ass kicked." "It is the Veteran, not the reporter, who has given us the freedom of the press. "It is the Veteran, not the poet, who has given us the freedom of speech. It is the Veteran, not the campus organizer, who gives us the freedom to demonstrate. "It is the Military who salutes the flag, who serves beneath the flag and whose coffin is draped by the flag, who allows the protester to burn the flag."