ICE's blog: "Funny stuff2"

Man charged with battery after passing gas towards police officer Call it a case of assault with a smelly weapon. Police in West Virginia accuse Jose Cruz of passing gas -- then using his hand to fan it toward an officer. According to authorities, Cruz was pulled over in a traffic stop, smelled of booze and failed three field sobriety tests. He was hand-cuffed and taken to the police station for a breathalyzer test. A criminal complaint charges that Cruz scooted his chair toward an officer, then lifted his leg and "passed gas loudly. " Cruz says police denied his request to use a bathroom. He now faces a number of charges, including drunken driving and battery on a police officer. http://www. kltv. com/global/story. asp?s=9073162

GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER 1. Sag, you're It. 2. Hide and go pee. 3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear. 4. Kick the bucket 5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over. 6. Musical recliners. 7. Simon says - something incoherent. 8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE : 1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale. 2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them. 3. You change your underwear after a sneeze. OLD IS WHEN: 1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face. 2. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go a long. 3. Getting a little action means you don't need fiber today. 4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot. 5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee! Thoughts for the weekend: Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctr- Alt- Delete' and start all over? If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called 'labor!' Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever. Ponderisms I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes. Garden Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement. Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to? In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire? Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out?' Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt.' If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him? Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if he's going to look up there anyway? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle? But Most Of All, Remember! A Good Friend Is Like A Good Bra: Hard to Find, Supportive, Comfortable, And Always Close To Your Heart! Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway! If you don't stand behind our soldiers, PLEASE feel free to stand in front of them! Have a great day!

Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, "You died in your sleep, Ralph. Ralph was stunned. "I'm dead? No I can't be I've got too much too live for. Send me back! St. Peter said, I'm sorry, but theres only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken. Ralph was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground. A rooster strolled past. 'So you're the new hen, huh? Hows your first day here? 'Not bad, replied Ralph the hen, but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm gonna explode! 'Your ovulating,' explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before? 'Never,' said Ralph. Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal. Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. Soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming. As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife yel.....'Ralph! Wake up. You shit the bed!'--