Luv Ms B Haven's blog: "Luv, Ms. B. Haven"

CHAIN LETTER FOR WOMEN ONLY This letter was started by a woman like yourself in the hopes of bringing relief to other tired and discontented women. Unlike most chain letters, this one does not cost you anything. Just send a copy of this letter to five of your friends who are equally frustrated, then bundle up your husband or boyfriend and send him to the woman whose name appears on the top of the list. When your name comes to the top of the list you will receive 16,877 men… One of them is bound to be a hell of a lot better than the one you already have!!! Do not break this chain! One woman broke the chain and she got her own son-of-a-bitch back! At this writing, a friend of mine already received 184 men. They buried her yesterday, but it took three undertakers 35 hrs to wipe the smile off her face and two days to get her legs back together so they could close the coffin. Hurry and send this letter today, so my name can move to the top of the list. Thanks, The Liberated

Trojan Condom Company, Inc. 6969 Slippery Root Drive Droptrouser, NO 22269 RE: Condom Modeling Dear Sir: We regret to inform you that we have rejected your application to model and represent our product, Trojan Condoms. Although your general physical appearance is not displeasing, our board of directors feels that your wearing of our product in the advertisement does not portray a positive romantic image of our product. We did admire your efforts to firm it up by using Poly-Grip, but even then it slipped off before we could get the photographs taken. We would like to note, however, that yours is the first we’ve seen that looked like a bicycle grip. We appreciate your interest and thank you for your time. We will retain your application for future consideration, if by chance we decide there is a market for Micro-Mini Condoms. We send greetings to your wife and/or girlfriend along with our deepest sympathies. Yours very truly, Burly Dick, President Note: Remember our slogans: “Cover your stump before you hump.” “Don’t be silly – protect your willy.” “Never deck her with an unwrapped pecker.” “Before you attack her, wrap your whacker.”

Certificate Of Upgrade To COMPLETE ASSHOLE Is Awarded To: In recognition of your obnoxious attitude, ability to piss people off, complete asinine juvenile behavior, total dedication to personal gain without regard to the many hardships you have forced upon friends, family and other during your lifetime, you have become a legend in your own mind. To recognize your upgrade from half-assed to complete asshole gives all concerned great satisfaction. If anyone, for any reason, doubts your status… JUST BE YOURSELF! Effective date: ALL THE TIME Signed: ALL THOSE WHO COME IN CONTACT WITH YOU

THE BOOTY CALL AGREEMENT This Booty Call Agreement (hereinafter referred to as the “Agreement”) is entered into on the day of , 2007, by , between And . THIS AGREEMENT SHALL COVER THE FOLLOWING RULES AND PRINCIPLES: 1. No sleeping over – unless it is very good and we need to repeat it in the morning. 2. No meeting in public except for dinner or drinks before the events of the evening. 3. No calls before 9 PM – we don’t have shit to talk about. 4. None of the “lovemaking” shit – only mind blowing sex allowed. 5. No emotional discussions – (e.g. – “Where are we heading with this?”, “Do you love me?” – The answer is no, so don’t ask.) 6. No plans made in advance – that is why you are called the “backup”. ***Exception: if you are from out-of-town there is an allowance of a one time advance arrangement. 7. All gifts accepted! (TIP: Money is always good!!) 8. No baby talk – dirty talk, however, is encouraged. 9. No asking for comparisons with former lovers – it’s none of your damned business. 10. No calling each other. 11. Calling out the wrong name during sex is OK – don’t be offended. 12. No extra clothing – I don’t want your ass leaving anything behind when you leave. 13. No falling asleep right after sex – it’s over, so get your ass up and go home. 14. Don’t be offended if I don’t ask if you enjoyed it -- I don’t care. 15. You cannot borrow my car for any reason and I will not pick you up or give you a ride. 16. If anyone asks who you are, the standard response will be: “My roommate’s girl/boyfriend.” 17. Doggie style preferred – just hit it hard and right or get the hell out! 18. Reason for doggie style is the less eye contact the better. I don’t want to look at you, just fuck you. 19. We hook up absolutely whenever the mood strikes ME – so don’t keep calling! 20. Bring your own drink – I am not your liquor store. 21. No phone use, please – I don’t want anyone calling back looking for your ass. You will not be here any longer than absolutely necessary. 22. The most important one – no rubbers = no fucking! Carry your ass home. ***EXTRA TIP FOR SUCCESSFUL BOOTY CALLS*** Only the holder of this agreement may alter the aforementioned rules. If the other party attempts to change or alter any terms of this Agreement, it will automatically become null and void and you will then be REMOVED from the BOOTY CALL LIST and DELETED from PHONE MEMORY and E-MAIL LIST; BLOCKED from ALL COMMUNICATIONS until your silly ass learns and understands the rules. By signing below, you are stating that you know, understand and agree to the aforementioned rules: Agreement Holder: Signature Date: Booty Call List Applicant: Signature: Date:

WORK GRIEVANCE I, Mr. Penis, hereby request a raise in salary based on the following reasons: · I do physical labor. · I work at great depths. · I plunge head first into everything I do. · I do not get weekends or public holidays off. · I work in a damp environment. · I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation. · I work in high temperatures. · My work exposes me to contagious diseases. · I work with a bunch of pussies – I’m the only one that does any real work. Thank you for your time and consideration on this matter. Sincerely, Ime A. Penis Management’s Response: Dear Mr. Penis, After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons: · You do not work 8 hours straight. · You fall asleep after brief work periods. · You do not always follow the orders of the management team. · You do not stay in your designated work area and are often seen visiting other locations. · You do not take initiative – you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working. · You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift. · You don’t always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing. · You will retire well before you are 65. · You are unable to work double shifts. · You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task. And, if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace with two suspicious looking bags. If you still believe you deserve a raise after reviewing this, go talk to the pussies you say you work with. Sincerely, Management

Question 1: If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8 kids already, three who were deaf, two who were blind, one mentally retarded, and she had syphilis, would you recommend that she have an abortion? Read the next question before looking at the response for this one. Question 2: It is time to elect a new world leader, and only your vote counts. Here are the facts about the three candidates. Who would you vote for? Candidate A. Associates with crooked politicians, and consults with astrologist. He's had two mistresses. He also chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day. Candidate B. He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon , used opium in college and drinks a quart of whiskey every evening. Candidate C He is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't smoke, drinks an occasional beer and never cheated on his wife. Which of these candidates would be your choice? Decide first... no peeking, then scroll down for the response. Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt. Candidate B is Winston Churchill. Candidate C is Adolph Hitler. And, by the way, on your answer to the abortion question: If you said YES, you just killed Beethoven. Pretty interesting isn't it? Makes a person think before judging someone. Wait till you see the end of this note! Keep reading.. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember: Amateurs...built the ark. Professionals...built the Titanic And Finally, can you imagine working for a company that has a little more than 500 employees and has the following statistics: * 29 have been accused of spousal abuse * 7 have been arrested for fraud * 19 have been accused of writing bad checks * 117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses * 3 have done time for assault * 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit * 14 have been arrested on drug-related charges * 8 have been arrested for shoplifting * 21 are currently defendants in lawsuits * 84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year... Can you guess which organization this is? Give up yet? It's the 535 members of the United States Congress. The same group that crank out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in line.

Q. What's soft and warm when you go to bed, but hard and stiff when you wake up? A. Vomit Q. How can you tell if you eat pussy well? A. You wake up in the morning with a face like a glazed doughnut and a beard like an unwashed paintbrush. Q. Did you hear about the male prostitute who got leprosy? A. He did okay until his business fell off. Q. What's the best thing about marrying a woman with leprosy? A. She can only give you lip once! Q. If they bring shrimp home on shrimp boats, fish home on fish boats, and clams home on clam boats, what do they bring crabs home on? A. The Captains Dinghy! Q. What does 70 year old pussy taste like? A. Depends! Q. What should you give a man who has everything? A. A woman to show him how to use it. Q. Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating? A. To stop the snoring before it starts. Q. Why don't men have mid-life crises? A. They stay stuck in adolescence. Q. What's the difference between men and government bonds? A. Bonds mature. Q. What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he is God's gift? A. Exchange him. Q. What did the guy say to his dick after he found that the girl he's getting ready to fuck has genital warts? A. "Hang on, boy! It's gonna be a bumpy ride!" Q. Why does it take longer to build a blond snowman? A. Because you have to hollow the head out. Q. What is the only game in which the more you lose, the more you have to show for it? A. Strip Poker Q. What do you call a van with 5 faggots in it? A. The aids team. Q. What did the boy vampire say to the girl vampire? A. See you next period. Q. What's the hardest thing about a sex change operation? A. Inserting the anchovies. Q. What do you do in case of fallout? A. Put it back in and take shorter strokes. Q. What do you call a female clown? A. A Clunt Q. How did the gay break his leg at the golf course? A. He fell off the ball washer! Q. Why do horny women order at Subway? A. Footlongs Q. What is the definition of a perfect lover? A. A man with a nine inch tongue who can breath through his ears. Q. If your mother and father have a baby and its not your sister or your brother, who is it? A. It's you, you fucking idiot! Q. What's the difference between big foot and your mom? A. Your mom is better in bed. Q. What's the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer? A. A good lawyer knows the law, but a great lawyer knows the judge. Q. Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70? A. Because she gets a frog in her throat at 69. Q. What do you get when you cross an Owl and a Rooster? A. A cock that stays up all night. Q. What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man? A. A rumor