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GOTTA PEE
Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, however they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.
Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.
One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought She would take off her panties and use them.
Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.
She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.
After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home.
The next day one of the woman's husband was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said:
'These girls nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!!'
'That's nothing' said the other husband,
'Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said....
'From all of us at the Fire Station.
We'll never forget you.''
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalist
3. Transubstantiate
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more booze for me.
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Taco Bell ? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
6. I'm not interested in fighting you.
7. I must be going home now as I have work in the morning.
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure .
A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
Nurse,' he mumbles, from behind the mask
'Are my testicles black?'
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body.'
He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my testicles black?'
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around and around gently.. Then, she takes a close look and says, 'No sir, they aren't and I assure you, there's nothing wrong with them, Sir !!'
The man pulls off his oxygen mask,
smiles at her and says very slowly, 'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen
very, very closely.....
A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s -b a c k?
It was entertainment night at the Senior Center .
Claude the hypnotist exclaimed: "I'm here to put you into a
trance; I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the
audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful
antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your
eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in
my family for six generations"
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly
chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch. . ."
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth,
light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes
followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the
hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred
pieces.
"Shit!" said the Hypnotist.
It took three days to clean up the Senior Center .
Claude was never invited back to entertain.
A redneck was stopped by a game warden in the Piedmont area of North Carolina recently with two ice chests full of fish. He was leavin' a cove well-known for its fishing.
The game warden asked the man, 'Do you have a license to catch those fish?' 'Naw, sir', replied the redneck. 'I ain't got none of them there licenses. You must understand, these here are my pet fish.'
'Pet fish?'
'Yeah. Every night, I take these here fish down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for awhile. Then, when I whistle, they jump right back into these here ice chests and I take 'em home..'
'That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that.'
The redneck looked at the warden for a moment and then said, 'It's the truth Mr. Government Man. I'll show ya. It really works.'
'O. K.', said the warden.. 'I've got to see this!'
The redneck poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited. After several minutes, the warden says, 'Well?'
'Well, what?,' says the redneck.
The warden says, 'When are you going to call them back?'
'Call who back?'
'The FISH,' replied the warden!
'What fish?,' replied the redneck. ..............
Moral of the story: We may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we ain't as dumb as some government employees.
A lady was telling her neighbor that she saw a man driving a pick-up truck down the interstate, and a dog was hanging on to the tailgate for dear life.
She said if the pick-up truck driver hadn't been going so fast in the other direction, she would have tried to stop him.
A few weeks later, her neighbor saw this truck at the Bass Pro Shop in Daphne, Alabama ..
The pick-up truck driver is a local taxidermist with a great sense of humor.
And it's not a dog, it's a coyote.
Can you imagine how many people try to stop this guy?
A Montana cowboy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?'
No', he replies, 'I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just
Testing it.'
The intrigued woman says, 'A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?'
The cowboy explains, 'It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.'
The lady says, 'What's it telling you now?'
'Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.'
The woman giggles and replies, 'Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!'.....
The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says,........ 'Damn thing's an hour fast!'
1. Put both lids of the Toilet up,
And add 1/8 cup of pet
Shampoo to the water in the bowl.
2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while
You carry him towards the bathroom.
3. In one smooth movement, put the cat
In the toilet and close the lid.
You may need to stand on the Lid.
4. The cat will self agitate and make Ample suds.
Never mind the noises that come from the
Toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
5. Flush the toilet three or four Times.
This provides a 'power-wash' and rinse'.
6. Have someone open the front door of
Your home.
Be sure that there are no people between the
Bathroom and the front door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as
You can, and quickly lift the lid.
8. The cat will rocket out of the
Toilet, streak through the bathroom,
And run outside where he will dry himself off.
9. Both the commode and the cat will be
Sparkling clean.
Three women die together in an accident
And go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says,
'We only have one rule here in heaven:
Don't step on the ducks!'
So they enter heaven, and sure enough,
There are ducks all over the place.
It is almost impossible not to step on a duck,
And although they try their best to avoid them,
The first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says,
'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to
Spend eternity chained to this ugly man!'
The next day,
The second woman steps accidentally on a duck
And along comes St. Peter ,
Who doesn't miss a thing.
With him is another extremely ugly man.
He chains them together
With the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and,
Not wanting to be chained
For all eternity to an ugly man, is very,
VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months
Without stepping on any ducks,
But
One day St.Peter comes up to her
With the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on
.... Very tall, long eyelashes, muscular.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says,
'I wonder what I did to deserve being
Chained to you for all of eternity?'
The guy says,
'I don't know about you,
But I stepped on a
Duck.
