LOL Blog by DarkLady
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DarkLady's blog: "LOL"

created on 10/05/2009  |  http://fubar.com/lol/b310879

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GOTTA PEE

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out.  Both were very faithful and loving wives, however they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.

Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought She would take off her panties and use them.

Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.

She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.

After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home.

The next day one of the woman's husband was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said:
'These girls nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!!'

'That's nothing' said the other husband,
'Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said....

'From all of us at the Fire Station.
We'll never forget you.''

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
 
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalist
3. Transubstantiate
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more booze for me.
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Taco Bell ? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
6. I'm not interested in fighting you.
7. I must be going home now as I have work in the morning.

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure .
 
A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
 
Nurse,' he mumbles, from behind the mask
'Are my testicles black?'
 
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies  'I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash  your upper body.'
 
He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my testicles black?'
 
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly  pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his  penis in one hand and his testicles in the other,  lifting and moving them around and around gently..  Then, she takes a close look and says, 'No sir, they aren't and I assure you, there's nothing wrong with them, Sir !!'
 
The man pulls off his oxygen mask,
smiles at her and says very slowly, 'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen
very, very closely.....
 
A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s -b a c k?

  It was  entertainment night at the Senior Center  .
  Claude the  hypnotist exclaimed: "I'm here to put you into a  
  trance; I intend to hypnotize each and every  member of  the
  audience."

 The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a  beautiful
 antique pocket watch from his  coat. "I want you each to keep your 
 eye on  this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been  in
 my family for six  generations"

  He  began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly  
  chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch,  watch the watch. .  ."

  The crowd  became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth,  
  light gleaming off its polished surface.  Hundreds of pairs of eyes 
  followed the  swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the  
  hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor,  breaking into a hundred
 pieces.

  "Shit!"  said the  Hypnotist.

  It  took three days to clean up the Senior Center  .

  Claude was  never invited back to  entertain.

Fish

A redneck was stopped by a game warden in the Piedmont area of North Carolina recently with two ice chests full of fish. He was leavin' a cove well-known for its fishing.
 
The game warden asked the man, 'Do you have a license to catch those fish?' 'Naw, sir', replied the redneck. 'I ain't got none of them there licenses. You must understand, these here are my pet fish.'
 
'Pet fish?'
 
'Yeah. Every night, I take these here fish down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for awhile. Then, when I whistle, they jump right back into these here ice chests and I take 'em home..'
 
'That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that.'
 
The redneck looked at the warden for a moment and then said, 'It's the truth Mr. Government Man. I'll show ya. It really works.'
 
'O. K.', said the warden.. 'I've got to see this!'
 
The redneck poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited. After several minutes, the warden says, 'Well?'
 
'Well, what?,' says the redneck.
 
The warden says, 'When are you going to call them back?'
 
'Call who back?'
 
'The FISH,' replied the warden!
 
'What fish?,' replied the redneck. ..............
 
Moral of the story: We may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we ain't as dumb as some government employees.

 

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.
 
The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who the hell was that?"
 
"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."
 
"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce."
 
"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Infiniti or Lexus in the garage. And no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."
 
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.
 
"Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.
 
"That's his mistress," says her husband.
 
"Ours is prettier," she replies.

A lady was telling her neighbor that   she saw a man driving a pick-up truck down the interstate, and a dog was   hanging on to the tailgate for dear life.
She said if the pick-up truck driver   hadn't been going so fast in the other direction, she would have tried to   stop   him.
A few weeks later, her neighbor   saw this truck at the Bass Pro Shop in Daphne, Alabama ..
The pick-up truck driver is a local   taxidermist with a great sense of humor.
And it's not a dog, it's a   coyote.
Can you imagine how many people try to stop this guy?

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A Montana cowboy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment.
       
The woman notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?'
       
No', he replies, 'I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just
Testing it.'
       
The intrigued woman says, 'A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?'
       
The cowboy explains, 'It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.'
       
The lady says, 'What's it telling you now?'
       
'Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.'
       
The woman giggles and replies, 'Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!'.....

The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says,........ 'Damn thing's an hour fast!'

  

1. Put both lids of the Toilet up,
 And add 1/8 cup of pet
Shampoo to the water in the bowl.


2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while
You carry him towards the bathroom. 

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat
In the toilet and close the lid. 
You may need to stand on the Lid.


4. The cat will self agitate and make Ample suds.  
   Never mind the noises that come from the
Toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this. 


5. Flush the toilet three or four Times.   
    This provides a 'power-wash' and rinse'.


6. Have someone open the front door of
Your home.   
    Be sure that there are no people between the
Bathroom and the front door. 


7. Stand behind the toilet as far as
You can, and quickly lift the lid.


8. The cat will rocket out of the
Toilet, streak through the bathroom,   
 And run outside where he will dry himself off.


9. Both the commode and the cat will be
Sparkling clean. 

Three women die together in an accident

And go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says,

'We only have one rule here in heaven:

Don't step on the ducks!'

So they enter heaven, and sure enough,

There are ducks all over the place.

It is almost impossible not to step on a duck,

And although they try their best to avoid them,

The first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.

St. Peter chains them together and says,

'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to

Spend eternity chained to this ugly man!'

The next day,

The second woman steps accidentally on a duck

And along comes St. Peter ,

Who doesn't miss a thing.

With him is another extremely ugly man.

He chains them together

With the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and,

Not wanting to be chained

For all eternity to an ugly man, is very,

VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months

Without stepping on any ducks,

But

One day St.Peter comes up to her

With the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on

.... Very tall, long eyelashes, muscular.





St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says,

'I wonder what I did to deserve being

Chained to you for all of eternity?'

The guy says,

'I don't know about you,

But I stepped on a
Duck.

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