tag:fubar.com,2010:BlogAtom-3108792010-04-27T03:57:13-07:00LOLA fubar user blog.DarkLadyhttps://fubar.com/dlnoreply@fubar.comfubartag:fubar.com,2010:BlogAtom-310879.11116542010-04-27T03:57:13-07:002010-04-27T03:57:13-07:00Girls Night Out<p> </p>
<p><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-family: arial black,avant garde;"><span style="background-color: #000000;"><span style="color: #999999;">GOTTA PEE <br /><br />Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, however they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. <br /><br />Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery. <br /><br />One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought She would take off her panties and use them. <br /><br />Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them. <br /><br />She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that. <br /><br />After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home. <br /><br />The next day one of the woman's husband was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said: <br />'These girls nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!!' <br /><br />'That's nothing' said the other husband, <br />'Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said.... <br /><br />'From all of us at the Fire Station. <br />We'll never forget you.'' </span></span></span></span></p>DarkLadyhttps://fubar.com/dlnoreply@fubar.comtag:fubar.com,2010:BlogAtom-310879.11116532010-04-27T03:33:45-07:002010-04-27T03:33:45-07:00Drinking<p><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-family: arial black,avant garde;"><span style="background-color: #000000;"><span style="color: #808080;">THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:<br />1. Innovative<br />2. Preliminary<br />3. Proliferation<br /> <br />THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:<br />1. Specificity<br />2. Anti-constitutionalist<br />3. Transubstantiate<br />THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:<br />1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.<br />2. Nope, no more booze for me.<br />3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.<br />4. Taco Bell ? No thanks, I'm not hungry.<br />5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.<br />6. I'm not interested in fighting you.<br />7. I must be going home now as I have work in the morning.</span></span></span></span></p>DarkLadyhttps://fubar.com/dlnoreply@fubar.comtag:fubar.com,2010:BlogAtom-310879.11116522010-04-27T03:23:06-07:002010-04-27T03:23:06-07:00Nurse, are my testicles back ?<p><span style="background-color: #000000;"><span style="color: #999999;"><strong><em><span style="font-family: 'Monotype Corsiva'; font-size: 18pt;">A male patient is lying in bed</span></em></strong><span style="font-size: 10pt;"> </span><strong><em><span style="font-family: 'Monotype Corsiva'; font-size: 18pt;">in the hospital,</span></em></strong><span style="font-size: 10pt;"> </span><strong><em><span style="font-family: 'Monotype Corsiva'; font-size: 18pt;">wearing an oxygen mask over his</span></em></strong><span style="font-size: 10pt;"> </span><strong><em><span style="font-family: 'Monotype Corsiva'; font-size: 18pt;">mouth and nose,</span></em></strong><span style="font-size: 10pt;"> </span><strong><em><span style="font-family: 'Monotype Corsiva'; font-size: 18pt;">still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure</span></em></strong><span style="font-size: 10pt;"> .</span><span style="font-size: 10pt;"><br /></span> <span style="font-size: 10pt;"> <br /></span><strong><em><span style="font-family: 'Monotype Corsiva'; font-size: 18pt;">A young student nurse appears to give him a</span></em></strong><span style="font-size: 10pt;"> </span><strong><em><span style="font-family: 'Monotype Corsiva'; font-size: 18pt;">partial sponge bath.</span></em></strong><span style="font-size: 10pt;"> </span><span style="font-size: 10pt;"><br /></span> <span style="font-size: 10pt;"> <br /></span><strong><em><span style="font-family: 'Monotype Corsiva'; font-size: 18pt;">Nurse,' he mumbles, from behind the mask </span></em></strong><span style="font-size: 10pt;"><br /></span><strong><em><span style="font-family: 'Monotype Corsiva'; font-size: 18pt;">'Are my</span></em></strong><span style="font-size: 10pt;"> </span><strong><em><span style="font-family: 'Monotype Corsiva'; font-size: 18pt;">testicles black?'</span></em></strong><span style="font-size: 10pt;"> </span><span style="font-size: 10pt;"><br /></span> <span style="font-size: 10pt;"> <br /></span><strong><em><span style="font-family: 'Monotype Corsiva'; font-size: 18pt;">Embarrassed, the young nurse replies</span></em></strong><span style="font-size: 10pt;"> </span><strong><em><span style="font-family: 'Monotype Corsiva'; font-size: 18pt;">'I don't know, Sir.</span></em></strong><span style="font-size: 10pt;"> </span><strong><em><span style="font-family: 'Monotype Corsiva'; font-size: 18pt;">I'm only here to wash</span></em></strong><span style="font-size: 10pt;"> </span><strong><em><span style="font-family: 'Monotype Corsiva'; font-size: 18pt;">your upper body.'</span></em></strong><span style="font-size: 10pt;"> </span><span style="font-size: 10pt;"><br /></span> <span style="font-size: 10pt;"> <br /></span><strong><em><span style="font-family: 'Monotype Corsiva'; font-size: 18pt;">He struggles to ask again,</span></em></strong><span style="font-size: 10pt;"> </span><strong><em><span style="font-family: 'Monotype Corsiva'; font-size: 18pt;">'Nurse, are my</span></em></strong><span style="font-size: 10pt;"> </span><strong><em><span style="font-family: 'Monotype Corsiva'; font-size: 18pt;">testicles</span></em></strong><strong><em><span style="font-size: 10pt;"> </span></em></strong><strong><em><span style="font-family: 'Monotype Corsiva'; font-size: 18pt;">black?'</span></em></strong><span style="font-size: 10pt;"> </span><span style="font-size: 10pt;"><br /></span> <span style="font-size: 10pt;"> <br /></span><strong><em><span style="font-family: 'Monotype Corsiva'; font-size: 18pt;">Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles,</span></em></strong><span style="font-size: 10pt;"> </span><strong><em><span style="font-family: 'Monotype Corsiva'; font-size: 18pt;">she overcomes her</span></em></strong><span style="font-size: 10pt;"> </span><strong><em><span style="font-family: 'Monotype Corsiva'; font-size: 18pt;">embarrassment and sheepishly</span></em></strong><span style="font-size: 10pt;"> </span><strong><em><span style="font-family: 'Monotype Corsiva'; font-size: 18pt;">pulls back the covers.</span></em></strong><span style="font-size: 10pt;"> </span><strong><em><span style="font-family: 'Monotype Corsiva'; font-size: 18pt;">She raises his gown, holds his</span></em></strong><span style="font-size: 10pt;"> </span><strong><em><span style="font-family: 'Monotype Corsiva'; font-size: 18pt;">penis in one hand and his</span></em></strong><span style="font-size: 10pt;"> </span><strong><em><span style="font-family: 'Monotype Corsiva'; font-size: 18pt;">testicles in the other,</span></em></strong><span style="font-size: 10pt;"> </span><strong><em><span style="font-family: 'Monotype Corsiva'; font-size: 18pt;">lifting and moving them</span></em></strong><span style="font-size: 10pt;"> </span><strong><em><span style="font-family: 'Monotype Corsiva'; font-size: 18pt;">around and around gently..</span></em></strong><span style="font-size: 10pt;"> </span><strong><em><span style="font-family: 'Monotype Corsiva'; font-size: 18pt;">Then, she takes a close look and says, 'No sir, they aren't and I assure you, there's nothing wrong</span></em></strong><span style="font-size: 10pt;"> </span><strong><em><span style="font-family: 'Monotype Corsiva'; font-size: 18pt;">with them, Sir !!'</span></em></strong><span style="font-size: 10pt;"> </span><span style="font-size: 10pt;"><br /></span> <span style="font-size: 10pt;"> <br /></span><strong><em><span style="font-family: 'Monotype Corsiva'; font-size: 18pt;">The man pulls off his oxygen mask,</span></em></strong><span style="font-size: 10pt;"> </span><span style="font-size: 10pt;"><br /></span><strong><em><span style="font-family: 'Monotype Corsiva'; font-size: 18pt;">smiles at her and</span></em></strong><span style="font-size: 10pt;"> </span><strong><em><span style="font-family: 'Monotype Corsiva'; font-size: 18pt;">says very slowly,</span></em></strong><span style="font-size: 10pt;"> </span><strong><em><span style="font-family: 'Monotype Corsiva'; font-size: 18pt;">'Thank you very much. That was</span></em></strong><span style="font-size: 10pt;"> </span><strong><em><span style="font-family: 'Monotype Corsiva'; font-size: 18pt;">wonderful, but listen</span></em></strong><span style="font-size: 10pt;"> </span><span style="font-size: 10pt;"><br /></span><strong><em><span style="font-family: 'Monotype Corsiva'; font-size: 18pt;">very, very closely.....</span></em></strong><span style="font-size: 10pt;"> </span><span style="font-size: 10pt;"><br /></span> <span style="font-size: 10pt;"> <br /></span><strong><em><span style="font-size: 18pt;">A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s -b a c k?</span></em></strong></span></span></p>DarkLadyhttps://fubar.com/dlnoreply@fubar.comtag:fubar.com,2010:BlogAtom-310879.11116032010-04-26T19:38:31-07:002010-04-26T19:38:31-07:00 HYPNOTIST AT THE SENIOR CENTER<p><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="background-color: #000000;"><span style="color: #999999;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-family: Arial;"> It was entertainment night at the Senior Center .<br /> Claude the hypnotist exclaimed: "I'm here to put you into a <br /> trance; I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the<br /> audience."<br /><br /> The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful<br /> antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your <br /> eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in<br /> my family for six generations"<br /><br /> He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly <br /> chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch. . ."<br /><br /> The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, <br /> light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes <br /> followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the <br /> hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred<br /> pieces.<br /><br /> "Shit!" said the Hypnotist.<br /><br /> It took three days to clean up the Senior Center .<br /><br /> Claude was never invited back to entertain.</span></span></span></span></span></p>DarkLadyhttps://fubar.com/dlnoreply@fubar.comtag:fubar.com,2010:BlogAtom-310879.11101202010-04-14T21:23:18-07:002010-04-14T21:23:18-07:00Fish<p><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-family: comic sans ms,sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: #000000;"><span style="color: #339966;">A redneck was stopped by a game warden in the Piedmont area of North Carolina recently with two ice chests full of fish. He was leavin' a cove well-known for its fishing. <br /> <br />The game warden asked the man, 'Do you have a license to catch those fish?' 'Naw, sir', replied the redneck. 'I ain't got none of them there licenses. You must understand, these here are my pet fish.' <br /> <br />'Pet fish?' <br /> <br />'Yeah. Every night, I take these here fish down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for awhile. Then, when I whistle, they jump right back into these here ice chests and I take 'em home..' <br /> <br />'That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that.' <br /> <br />The redneck looked at the warden for a moment and then said, 'It's the truth Mr. Government Man. I'll show ya. It really works.' <br /> <br />'O. K.', said the warden.. 'I've got to see this!' <br /> <br />The redneck poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited. After several minutes, the warden says, 'Well?' <br /> <br />'Well, what?,' says the redneck. <br /> <br />The warden says, 'When are you going to call them back?' <br /> <br />'Call who back?' <br /> <br />'The FISH,' replied the warden! <br /> <br />'What fish?,' replied the redneck. .............. <br /> <br />Moral of the story: We may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we ain't as dumb as some government employees. <br /></span></span></span></span></p>DarkLadyhttps://fubar.com/dlnoreply@fubar.comtag:fubar.com,2010:BlogAtom-310879.11100992010-04-14T19:45:19-07:002010-04-14T19:45:19-07:00Divorce<p> </p>
<p><span style="background-color: #000000;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-family: comic sans ms,sans-serif;"><span style="color: #ffcc99;">
</span></span></span></span></p><div>
<div>A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.</div>
</div>
<div>
<div> </div>
</div>
<div>
<div>The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who the hell was that?"</div>
</div>
<div>
<div> </div>
</div>
<div>
<div>"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."</div>
</div>
<div>
<div> </div>
</div>
<div>
<div>"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce."</div>
</div>
<div>
<div> </div>
</div>
<div>
<div>"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Infiniti or Lexus in the garage. And no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."</div>
</div>
<div>
<div> </div>
</div>
<div>
<div>Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.</div>
</div>
<div>
<div> </div>
</div>
<div>
<div>"Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.</div>
</div>
<div>
<div> </div>
</div>
<div>
<div>"That's his mistress," says her husband.</div>
</div>
<div>
<div> </div>
</div>
<div>
<div>"Ours is prettier," she replies.</div>
</div>
DarkLadyhttps://fubar.com/dlnoreply@fubar.comtag:fubar.com,2010:BlogAtom-310879.11100972010-04-14T19:40:17-07:002010-04-14T19:40:17-07:00Dog on a Truck
<p><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-family: comic sans ms,sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: #000000;"><span style="color: #666699;">A lady was telling her neighbor that she saw a man driving a pick-up truck down the interstate, and a dog was hanging on to the tailgate for dear life.<br>She said if the pick-up truck driver hadn't been going so fast in the other direction, she would have tried to stop him.<br>A few weeks later, her neighbor saw this truck at the Bass Pro Shop in Daphne, Alabama ..<br>The pick-up truck driver is a local taxidermist with a great sense of humor. <br>And it's not a dog, it's a coyote. <br>Can you imagine how many people try to stop this guy?</span></span></span></span></p>
<p><a href="http://tinypic.com" target="_blank" rel="nofollow"><img src="http://i43.tinypic.com/21altaw.jpg" border="0" alt="Image and video hosting by TinyPic"></a></p>
<p> </p>
DarkLadyhttps://fubar.com/dlnoreply@fubar.comtag:fubar.com,2010:BlogAtom-310879.11100942010-04-14T19:34:37-07:002010-04-14T19:34:37-07:00Pick-up Line<p><span style="color: #999999;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-family: comic sans ms,sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: #000000;">A Montana cowboy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment.<br /> <br />The woman notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?'<br /> <br />No', he replies, 'I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just<br />Testing it.'<br /> <br />The intrigued woman says, 'A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?'<br /> <br />The cowboy explains, 'It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.'<br /> <br />The lady says, 'What's it telling you now?'<br /> <br />'Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.'<br /> <br />The woman giggles and replies, 'Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!'.....<br /><br />The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says,........ 'Damn thing's an hour fast!'</span></span></span><br /> </span></p>DarkLadyhttps://fubar.com/dlnoreply@fubar.comtag:fubar.com,2010:BlogAtom-310879.11100932010-04-14T19:29:09-07:002010-04-14T19:29:09-07:00How to Wash the Cat<p><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-family: comic sans ms,sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: #000000;"><span style="color: #ccffcc;">1. Put both lids of the Toilet up, <br /> And add 1/8 cup of pet <br />Shampoo to the water in the bowl. <br /><br /><br />2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while <br />You carry him towards the bathroom. <br /><br />3. In one smooth movement, put the cat <br />In the toilet and close the lid. <br />You may need to stand on the Lid.<br /><br /><br />4. The cat will self agitate and make Ample suds. <br /> Never mind the noises that come from the <br />Toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this. <br /><br /><br />5. Flush the toilet three or four Times. <br /> This provides a 'power-wash' and rinse'. <br /><br /><br />6. Have someone open the front door of <br />Your home. <br /> Be sure that there are no people between the <br />Bathroom and the front door. <br /><br /><br />7. Stand behind the toilet as far as <br />You can, and quickly lift the lid. <br /><br /><br />8. The cat will rocket out of the <br />Toilet, streak through the bathroom, <br /> And run outside where he will dry himself off. <br /><br /><br />9. Both the commode and the cat will be <br />Sparkling clean. </span></span></span></span></p>DarkLadyhttps://fubar.com/dlnoreply@fubar.comtag:fubar.com,2010:BlogAtom-310879.11100922010-04-14T19:25:39-07:002010-04-14T19:25:39-07:00Ducks in Heaven<p><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-family: comic sans ms,sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: #000000;"><span style="color: #800080;">Three women die together in an accident<br /><br />And go to heaven.<br /><br />When they get there, St. Peter says,<br /><br />'We only have one rule here in heaven:<br /><br />Don't step on the ducks!'<br /><br />So they enter heaven, and sure enough,<br /><br />There are ducks all over the place.<br /><br />It is almost impossible not to step on a duck,<br /><br />And although they try their best to avoid them,<br /><br />The first woman accidentally steps on one.<br /><br />Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.<br /><br />St. Peter chains them together and says,<br /><br />'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to<br /><br />Spend eternity chained to this ugly man!'<br /><br />The next day,<br /><br />The second woman steps accidentally on a duck<br /><br />And along comes St. Peter ,<br /><br />Who doesn't miss a thing.<br /><br />With him is another extremely ugly man.<br /><br />He chains them together<br /><br />With the same admonishment as for the first woman.<br /><br />The third woman has observed all this and,<br /><br />Not wanting to be chained<br /><br />For all eternity to an ugly man, is very,<br /><br />VERY careful where she steps.<br /><br />She manages to go months<br /><br />Without stepping on any ducks,<br /><br />But<br /><br />One day St.Peter comes up to her<br /><br />With the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on<br /><br />.... Very tall, long eyelashes, muscular.<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.<br /><br />The happy woman says,<br /><br />'I wonder what I did to deserve being<br /><br />Chained to you for all of eternity?'<br /><br />The guy says,<br /><br />'I don't know about you,<br /><br />But I stepped on a<br />Duck.</span></span></span></span></p>DarkLadyhttps://fubar.com/dlnoreply@fubar.com