confused's blog: "life sucks"

Do you understand, That I'm empty inside but I can still feel, My feelings are numb, all seeming unreal. Can you hear me, If I have nothing to express, Meaningless, empty words that I posses. Will you stay, Even when you know I'm not all there, A figure of imagination, while my mind is off unaware. Are you going to tell me, That Ive gone too far to escape what Ive become, The path I chose is unclear, unsure where I started from. Do you think you can make it through? Can you do as I say and not as I do? Will you love me regardless of my distress? Are you always going to be there too?

Those simple words confuse me. For I thought I knew what they meant. Until I lost and won some, My love today is for rent. I love you. Those simple words I know so well. I wish for you to know. That just liking someone is so different. So I will say it real slow. I L O V E Y O U Those are the words of a million feelings. My hopes and dreams and joys. Little girls writing love letters. Chasing after boys. I…L…O…V…E…Y…O…U Those are the words that I say to you. I whisper them to your heart. You turn and look back at me. I loved you from the start.

Friends ask the question, sometimes twice with a shrug I give the standard reply a wink and a smile should suffice looking at you with poker straight eyes Words hard to come by, dreading to share emotions I keep locked deep down inside not wanting to deceive those who care by a genetic drawback called family pride So don`t let me drag you down when my heart will not let me tell of how much I need you around to pick up pieces of my fragile shell To show my love would be a daunting task it is hidden here under the guise of a haunted soul wearing a clown`s mask with many tears fallen under my eyes.

I'm not the same person as i used to be. I have changed a lot. I have been very emotional. Pain is closer to me than its ever been. Tears have stayed falling.It seems like they will never keep inside. Friends are the only thing thats keeping me up right now. I don't know what to do anymore. "Why cant it be the way I want it?"and "Why cant you take me for who I am?" Are the questions that I will always want to know the answer to. This year in my life has been one of the roughest. I have had many mistakes, Many lies, Many tears, Many rumors, Many players, Many not regrets but lessons learned. I know as the years go by.....it will just get tougher and tougher.I try and try to make everything better, But it only makes things worse. So i give up.And I'm done with everything. Don't feel sorry for me.I hate that. Its not that I'm miserable, I'm just not happy.

The highs are oh so marvelous, But the lows, they tear your soul, The second that you lost, You knew you'd never be whole. A moment lost in time, But frozen in your mind, The two that said forever, Left that world behind. Her heart still beats for him, But nothing good can come, From the chaos they've created, The creatures they've become. She cannot stand the mirror, A reflective crown of thorns, Eyes once full of promise, So empty as she mourns. In younger days, she'd always pray, That love would find its way, She never once thought to ask, If it would come to stay. She gave her heart and came to learn, There is no guarantee, You roll the dice and take a chance, And hope it comes to be. Spirit tired, faith expired, She wants for love no more, She just prays that she will make it, Not drown before the shore.

I'm falling in the debris, Picking my broken pieces off the floor, I'm running from superstition, With my heart so dramatically sore. All I want is a break, Happiness for once to come my way, My life has made me hopeless, So at night I pray. And my faith is shattering, I'm losing the feeling that was once there, I'm looking for a reason, Just one reason to care. I was never good enough, And I will never be, I'm learning the hard way, Searching for something inside of me. I don't know myself, Nobody knows me for real, I'm too afraid to let them in, Because of the way I feel. I'm too damaged to trust, Too bruised to move, I won't fall to them, I have nothing to prove. I feel all over the place, Everything seems one big mess, It's so hard to keep going, With so much to confess. And the truth of the matter is, That I just want to fall away, I just don't want to live, To feel so broken and not ok.

A distant dream, Of a castle by the sea, A heart longing for that day, When all your dreams come true A princess of beauty, Stays in your mind, Her image is so majestic, So mesmerizing and breathtaking A handsome prince, Always on your mind, Trying to picture him, Right in front of you Your dreams of the castle by the sea, Remain forever, A faraway fairytale, That will never happen

Suffocating in my own self-pity, not willing to move from my self-locked prison. Im not fighting my inner demons anymore, we're on the same side now. We have an understanding and we're fighting everyone else. With an agreement like that why would i fight it? Why would i mess with this illusion of peace when i can just accept it and give up? Lieing to myself is so much easier. Fighting is only something done by those with a reason for living the dream. My dreams are my living nightmares and i live them well.

To everyone who reads this, I'm sorry for the pain. Believe me when I tell you, My actions weren't in vain. I don't know how to let you know, Of all the pain I was in. Nothing can describe the reason, I committed this sin. You said you knew the best for me, And how to make me smile. You didn't even think to check, Every once in a while. Whether I was right and good, Or just down and out. Whether I wore a smile, Or a frown or pout. Even my sharpest blades have been, Better friends than you. There for me through thick and thin, What was I to do? I've struggled through the past few years, Keeping out of strife. Each day edging closer, To taking my own life. My will to live had been dissolved, But my memories remained. Little did I realise how, The crimson river stained. So when you find this I'll be gone, My exit's growing near. Please forgive my selfishness, And please don't shed a tear. To all of those that loved me, And those that pretended to. Understand above all else, That I loved you too.

New day, sunshine I wake and cry Dont know why I just feel it inside Surrounded by so many people Nevertheless I feel like I walk alone Down an empty road That doesnt seem to end Day by day I wait hoping for a change The seconds turns to hours And my life seems to scatter My life's a puzzle That's missing half the pieces Vacant inside Care-free on the outside I dont even know me New skin New body New mind But same scars That never fade away Always on the front page Dont know if tomorrow Will ever come My tears will keep falling Until I run out of tears to cry