I kinda wish i was a sociopath. I think I'd be happier and more " succsessfull" . It seems my distresses are rising, and my social support group has diminished. Things kinda sucked when I was in the army, but I had lots of friends. I don't actually talk or hangout with many people now. Some of the people I talked to before, sources of stress relief or whatever have quit talking to me. My once close friends are scattered about the country/world. I just don't seem to be expanding my resources as quickly as they are diminishing. Hopefully it doesn't sound bad to talk about people as resources. They are much more to me than that, wich causes all the more distress in losing them, or being distanced from them. It's just in that specific context I was talking about, they were resources.
So yah, basicly a frustrating month. Just been upset, stressed out, and mad at the world. It makes it real.y fucking hard to concentrate. Then that causes more stress from not being able to read and remember and study stuff, wich leads to more stress from the results of that. And the cycle continues. I'm basicly totally depressed. I don't want to talk to people about it because I don't want to bring them down, or have them feel sorry for me, or have them think I'm trying to get their pitty. When I think about life and the world, it really is hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. No matter how much I learn, how smart, or nice I am, I won't ever really have a place in the world. People seem to think there is something wrong with me because I'm different or whatever. I'll probably end up having a college education and living on the street somewhere. Some weird guy muttering to myself on the corner. Either that, or have to live as somthing I'm not, being completely miseralbe and/or losing my mind completly anyway..
So what works for depression? Exersise helps with stress. It can release endorphines and such that make you feel better. A " positive outlook " Deluding yourself into thinking against all possilbe odds that things will be ok. It just gets harder and harder to delude myself the more I learn and understand things. Maybe ignorance is bliss. I just took the wrong colored pill oneday. Now I'm just fucked.
I did my health assessment thing today though. Physicly, I'm pretty healthy. 7.6% body fat. My cholesteral is ok. My systolic blood pressure is a little high, prehypertension range. I think it is mostly just stress, and my heart rate rises whenever I'm around people I don't know, or in a place I haven't been before. My distolic rate was kinda low. I'm not worried about that.
My mom always asks if I'm happy and healthy. I guess I'm fairly healthy. Just not all that happy..
I apprexciate all the people who leave me comments and stuff.. Don't send my any " Don't do it. " messages. Eventually I'm sure I'll get through this and once again be able to delude myself into thinking that maybe life doesn't suck as much as I know it to. lol
ya'll have a nice wek.