Dreaming is believing Wishing on Dream...'s blog: "just some writing, I like to do"

Why do you think that all the things should just go the way you want them to. Whenever you want them to. You think you can just go around doing what you want whenever you want. And then think you can just walk in and I will just fall all over you like that.. Why? What do you really think I am.. Do you realize I am a person. I have feelings too. I am not just here for you to take whenever you want.. Or to be there when you find the time.. I guess I asked for it all.. Let myself be used that way.. I just can’t take it anymore.. I just can’t do this anymore.. It is tearing me up inside to much.. I will not put myself through this anymore.. Not for you, not for anyone.. I am not going to deal with this pain anymore.. It hurts to much to do it over and over again.. I am here for a reason and not just what you want me to be.. I am a person with a heart, a soul and feelings too. You just do not seem to see that for some reason. I believed all that you had said to me.. I guess I just wanted to believe it was all true. You just said all the right things at all the right times, to make me feel special.. But it seems that you just said things to get all you wanted but they were only words with no meaning behind them.. Sitting here hurting and wanting to cry.. But not letting myself because I promised myself I wouldn’t let anyone ever do this to me again. Damn, but I let you in my heart and I really let myself believe you.. For what, so I can be hurt again like all the other times.. Why, why do I keep doing this to myself..

Scared There are lots of things in life that are unknown to us. Being afraid is part of human nature, but always being scared to take chances is never going to make anything easier. We don’t know where we are going or where we might end up, but that is what life is all about. Things in life were never meant to be easy, but do they always have to be so hard. I wonder does anything ever come easy for anyone, or is it just me. Can anyone answer this one for me? I have walked the line that everyone has expected of me. That was not working for me after time, so I decided to try a different way. I started to change and do things that people did not expect of me. This doesn’t seem to be working for me either. Where should I go next or what should I do. I just don’t know anymore. Scared of where I am going and what I am becoming. It is on the border of being a dangerous journey, where there may be no turning back from. I am just so unsure of so many things in my life right now. Scared of failing those in my life and failing myself. I just don’t know anymore. I am on a roller coaster ride, where it seems that there is no end. And sometimes that end seems close, but then it seems to come crashing down all around me. I am getting more confused and more scared with each passing minute of each new day. I just keep hiding all the hurt and all the pain, because I don’t want to have anyone see this part of me. I don’t want them to see me weak inside. I just want to give up some days, because it seems to me it might be easier this way. It just doesn’t seem fair sometimes, all this pain I must endure all alone and never let anymore understand the pain and hurt that is inside. Is this fair, is this right, I just do not know. I just don’t know how to let anyone see. I want to be all that I can be and not be afraid, but then I am so scared that it will make it all worse for me. They always say you learn from your mistakes but I am so afraid that the mistakes I have made will bring me deeper down in this dark cave I have buried my whole life in. On the outside people see this happy, strong person who can do just about anything. But inside I am slowly dieing and drowning from all the hurt and pain. I don’t know how long I can survive like this and continue on. But I am so scared to stop and really look and see or even let anyone truly in to help me. Will someone help me take away all this pain and misery hidden inside for no one to truly see and understand. Do I take that chance to let them know it all, or do I continue on this path that seems to be burying me deeper and deeper in this dark tunnel I am living in constantly.

You live, you love, you lose, you learn You live you life as best you can. You give you love to someone, just to have them take it from you. Not really knowing why. Is it you, or something you said or did? You keep wondering what it is with you. Never really knowing if it is something about you or is it just the people you give your love to. I guess it all is a learning experience we all have to go through. Something to grow on and think about and be prepared for the next time. It still hurts all the same. Never seems to get any easier. Sometimes it feels so much easier to just give up. Never wanting to give your love to another. Not wanting to be hurt and feel the pain of losing that part of you again. But then again, I guess if you give up and never love again, you may never find that one that is willing to love you back and give everything in return. The one that will be there for you, just as you are for them. They say there is always someone for everyone out there, but I am really starting to wonder if this is really true. All this time and all these years, of being lied to used and never really being loved like you love them. I wonder if it is truly worth giving your love to another. Please someone tell me, help me. I just don’t know anymore. Is life worth living without loving someone and being truly loved back. Or is it just better to never give your love to another and never be hurt like that again. I just really don’t know anymore. I am to the point where I just want to give up on it all. I just don’t want to feel this pain anymore and I don’t like the games being played. Having someone there for you to have fun and spend time with is great, but not really being loved that is a hard thing to not have in your life. What a way to be. I wish someone could answer me and help me here. I just really don’t know anymore. No where to turn and no one to call my own. But then again being afraid that if I do again, to have my heart broken or torn apart again. I just can’t handle it anymore. Someone please help me, if there is anyone that really can. I would really love to know. Things never seem to get any easier, just seem to get harder and more tangled as time goes by. Never knowing what is real or what is just for show. Do they really love you back or are they just there to get what they want. It is a game we all play, but after time, it is a game that really gets old. Not having true happiness and love is really a hard thing to keep living with day after day. Is there anyone out there, that can answer me this? I wonder does anyone truly know. What to do, where to turn to? How to deal with it all. Does it ever get any easier, I really don’t think it does.