your mind doesn't tell you who to love. your heart does. you try not to but souls are connected..
i don't know what's left of us. just a fading sensation of having loved...others say love is bliss.. i say it is cruel... cruel to love someone who doesn't return that love. friends is all you'll ever be... i don't know what constitutes friendship. though we are friends, it sometimes feels like we'd be better off if we weren't.
as if alone is a bed that beckons. when i can crawl into it and forget that i ever imagined there could be anything other than.....friends. cause i need to forget. need so much to learn to love this solitude again. it makes me strong when other influences weaken. it's the only constant i can count on, and what's the use in wanting things you can never have.
it's not worth the sacrafice. nothing is. none of what i've been left with. i'll love you still. i'll love just as i always have. but i can't do it like this. knowing that you don't feel it. it's so hard, so hard to keep it to myself. to ask, as if i'm that strong. like friends is all we've ever been. like friends are something real.
knowing that it's over. knowing that it never really began. just what i wanted. what you thought you had. the edge of a smile with a tear beside.
i'm too old now to pretend that what i wanted to matter, actually does. it's too hurtful now to believe that anything that could've meant.. had ever been real.
i'm only thinking out loud. never asked. never had any kind of plan. was just trying to walk, but stumbling. falling down.
you've no idea what that's like. every step is a decline. every minute promises things it cannot provide. it's just life. how it wishes it could've been. can't blame it. just sit back and watch as the night descends. i'm always wanting, waiting, hoping you will find me.
because if i was dead before you came.. along there's no way that you could've made any difference. i'm nothing more than a ghost resisting fate. nothing more than the memory of having lived turning colors again. like so many reruns life does claim.
