*Six Year Old Journal Entry Just So No One Thinks I've Developed Issues Overnight*
Well what can I say...the thoughts just keep pouring through my mind, but I can't seem to find an outlet for them. I can understand why I have so many nervous breakdowns now. It all backs up until it trips the circuit breaker.
In a semi relationship consisting of somewhat meaningless sex with a woman who has more emotional problems than I do. Doesn't seem to make sense as to why I'd set my self up for destruction like this. I know full well I'm only her 'fuck buddy'. God knows she's made that quite clear every time I try to get to know her better, yet I can't help but get attached to people that I'm sleeping with. Damn conscious won't allow me to have sex without consequences.
What a world we've made for ourselves, huh? We came from nothing and we return to nothing yet in between there we're supposed to make something of ourselves. Damned if I know where to begin. I keep trying and I keep coming up empty handed. This whole concept of being alive doesn't make sense to me at all. I mean when something is truly alive it does only what it needs to remain that way, right? Yet here is a race of animals that think they are better than the world they live in, trying to make order out of chaos. We are no better than which we try to avoid with all these social mores and political implications. We cannot forget our roots yet we try to avoid them by rearranging them into something more presentable. I don't understand it one bit. We were screwed from the minute we realized we could think.
I can't say I'm any better than the rest of you pathetic creatures. Not that I would love to hold the honor of being the first human to truly live. My life couldn't be more of a disaster if I paid the government my entire life's salary to assign a team of overpaid morons the task of finding the perfect mix of painful childhood memories, wasted youth, parental disassociation, relationship woes, and tainted past to make me the ideal outcast. I don't know why I bother holding onto the hope that someday this will all make sense to me.
Even now I struggle with my thoughts to find the exact terminology and order of phrases to make whoever might read think I feel passionately about that which I speak of. Truth is I know nothing of what I am speaking of. I try to understand, but I cannot. The best I can do is use such large words that most people will read it and just sit back in awe at my vocabulary and assume I know something. :-/
I can sum up my very being in but a few meaningless enigmas...
I smoke to give myself time to think of something to say.
I drink to give myself an excuse to not be held accountable for what I do say.
I disassociate myself from everyone that might ever consider keeping in touch with me.
I find myself occasionally wanting to reach out to a friend, but find I have none as a result of keeping them out of reach.
I wallow in my own self-pity.
I do not want pity from others.
I listen to certain music to make me depressed.
I get depressed because I've been depressed for as long as I can remember.
I burn myself when the sorrow gets too overwhelming.
I smoke when someone asks where I got the scars on my arm.
This is the part where you realize that my smoking starts this whole process over again. Sometimes we all have to come full circle. Everything repeats itself in time. For some of us the loop is so small that it seems to be one continuous event. Lately, I don't even want to comprehend what I had the misfortune of being born into. I'd rather not think about it.
Seeing as how my birthday fell on the last election day of this millennium, I thought I'd end with a governmental issue that I've been toying with for a few months now...
America (Land of the free?)
For all the bitching I do about humanity and human nature, I decided to try and revert back to the state of nature, wherein I am not bound by laws and therefore am exempt from protection by those still bound by laws, the state of man (otherwise known as a social compact-i.e. what the mayflower compact that started this nation was) One small problem I found... I am in a social compact with the United States that I cannot break unless the U.S.A. does not uphold their end of the compact, i.e. granting me equal protections under the law as everyone else within the compact (Bill of Rights). Unfortunately, the only thing this would do, if they did break their end of the agreement, would be to abolish all citizen commitment to the government, not abolish the government itself. So it seems the government we have is immortal by its own design. Sad thing is everyone bound by this compact that is alive today has not willingly joined it; they were born into it. Still another loophole in favor of the immortality of the government. So to convert to a state of nature I would have to leave all worldly possessions behind and build a raft of logs by hand and paddle, naked, to the nearest uninhabited island. Another problem arises there...I can't get anywhere naked without being arrested for public indecency so I'm screwed either way it goes.
So I'd like to quote one of my favorite books: "It's time for a permanent revolution."
*End Entry*
Not sure what particular female was giving me grief at this point in my history. I think it may have been a D. Black I met on Yhaoo! while I was in college, but don't hold me to that.
My vocabulary and understanding on American Government has slipped from my mind as well, but Social Compacts and States of Nature do exist. ;)
As far as the book quote...I believe I was knee deep in the following literary masterpiece at the time:
An Underground Education : The Unauthorized and Outrageous Supplement to Everything You Thought You Knew About Art, Sex, Business, Crime, Science, Medicine, and Other Fields of Human
-by Richard Zacks
Fascinating & sometimes deeply weird true stories!
Just a small taste of the intellectual smorgasbord contained in this volume.
Did you know:
that in the original story of Goldilocks the bears torture and kill their impolite visitor?
that Pope Leo XIII appeared in an advertisement for cocaine-laced wine in the 1880s?
that people didn't eat with forks until the 1700s?
that Sir Isaac Newton's famous humble-pie quote "If I have seen further, it is by standing on the shoulders of giants" was actually written to a dwarf scientist named Robert Hooke and clearly meant as an insult?
that Thomas Edison secretly helped develop the electric chair in a scheme to have the lethal machine named after his arch-rival, George Westinghouse?
that the first pediatric guide written in the United States recommended that expectant mothers breastfeed puppies?
that for two centuries French scientists obsessively experimented on freshly decapitated heads in an effort to discover whether the bodiless brain still functioned?
that Cleopatra was ugly as sin?
Fun Reading For All. Check Out It.
Brought to you by Reading Raaaaaaaaaainbow. Ha!
-Robert
