540am
...pissed off and frustrated with my mind. it WON"T let me sleep.
i went to the doc yesterday. last time i went he put me on paxil. he said let's try to get your anxiety down then maybe you can sleep. i shrugged and said whatever helps i'm up for it.
so i get home and i'm excited. finally maybe this shit will fix my mood and fix it to where i can at least get 8 hours of sleep without taking a handful of tylenol pm. (note-6-8 tylenol pm's would knock me out for about 4 hours. 8-11 would be about six...my liver hated me..it was an every night thing)
i found myself taking the paxil. (which fucked with me more than helped me) my mood was either great with more pronouced anxiesty and nervousness or a shitty fucking mood, but my nerves as calm as week old water in the sink. but guess what i STILL couldn't sleep. i was poppin' through pills like there wasn't any tomorrow. i could go through a 50 pill bottle of tylenol pm in a week. the trazidone that i was one didn't do shit but give me a migraine and i was borrowing mom valiums to just relax for once hour. i could pop vicodin like they were fucking pez. darvacet..nada.. not.fun.at.all. and most will look at me and say 'ash those aren't sleeping meds' and i'll look at you and say i know that you fuckheads but something has to make me out of my mind loopy to just shut my fucking brain off yeah?
so i go to the doc yesterday. i look at him with bloodshot eyes and said 'man...give me something that will knock my ass out. something specifically for insomnia'
(i'm up all hours of the night. in the wee hours of the morning there are only so many infomercials i can watch to keep myself from going insane....or maybe they are the reason i do feel fucking nuts.)
he throws ambien my way. of course my insurance doesn't cover most of it so it still ends up being 30+ dollars for me to take this shit, but i'm like a kid in a candy store when i get home. (go figure that i compare a kid in a candy store to my junkie pill popper sort of way)
i'm thinking i've never taken this one before...worth a shot.
crawl in bed 9pm.
take meds 920.
awake
awake
awake
11pm come down stairs and dick around on here
midnight back in bed.
awake
awake
awake
toss
turn
2am i'm staring at my wall keeping myself away from the tylenol pm bottle because i'm wanting to suck all of that down. i got 3 hours of sleep the day before. i'm desperate.
3am
FINALLY knock out.
320am oh nope..no sleep for you
4am YES maybe this is it
430 am no...no....it wasn't. i'm wide awake tossing in my bed.
so after an hour of tossing in my bed. falling asleep for 5 minute intervals i said fuck it.
my eyes are swollen. probably about 5 hours of sleep in the past two days.
what is wrong with me.
i can't talk to myself anymore
so i'm shutting up.
it is
601am.
